For The Strength to Exit The Tunnels of Life, I Give Thanks

My life hasn’t always been wonderful. Right now things are great, mostly (I don’t think its ever perfect is it? It's not supposed to be). But I’ve walked through hell numerous times. Why am I thankful for that?

The thing about tunnels is they don’t have a dead end. They always lead somewhere

My story is long and complex. It is going to take quite some time to unpack and explain. But I will start with this. Think of it as a Reader's Digest version of my story. A story of infidelity, childhood cancer, loss of parents and more infidelity with some alcoholism thrown in for good measure. It is a story of tragedy and despair but also of hope and enduring through the dark tunnels of life. The thing about tunnels is they don’t have a dead end. They always lead somewhere. My journey to my somewhere which I now enjoy with a loving partner and seven children (yes - seven) was through a long and winding pathway through many tunnels that lasted over twenty years.

It began in December 1995. I had never had a girlfriend and I was 22 years young. So young. So naive. Ripe for the plucking. I will tell the story (maybe. I don’t like thinking about that relationship in ANY way now) of how I met her another time. I met a girl. She swept me off my feet. I asked her to marry me (the next day! I know right?). Six months later we were married. I remember the day I married her I felt something was off. Something wasn’t right. The person I was engaged to changed almost as soon as we were married. From that moment on I couldn’t do anything right. No matter what I did it was wrong. For so many years I blamed myself for this. We quickly had three children. My kids were my joy and I doted on them, but the relationship was lacking and I constantly tried to make it better. Nothing I did ever worked. So many times (looking back I can see it clearly) she would push my buttons sometimes for days to get me to explode. I had a long fuse but when it reached the end I could get quite angry. Not violent. Never that. Just bursts of anger and harsh words spoken followed by withdrawing sometimes for hours. Expertly I was then made to feel like it was all my fault. The physical side of the relationship waned. I was rarely hugged, touched or kissed. Even intimacy was rare and not intimate (looking back it was never intimate, not really).

This was the worst experience of my life and I wanted not to die, but to cease to exist the pain was so great

In 2004 I found out she was cheating with my friend who was living in my house at the time. This was the worst experience of my life and I wanted not to die, but to cease to exist the pain was so great. I separated from her and she had a relationship with this guy which lasted a couple of months before it ultimately fell apart and she went about winning me back. I was so low and so vulnerable. I had gone to live in my parents house while they holidayed with my brother and his wife in another state. That was a time of pure introvertedness. Some days I would forgo basic necessities so I could stay home. She hammered me with loving words and how she was sorry and she hadn’t treated me well. She promised to spend the rest of her life making it up to me (lol!). We got back together and I tried to patch things up. Never did I throw in her face the things she did to me. For a little while things were actually not too bad. We had another child (unplanned) and as time went on it slipped back into that familiar groove and inevitably things got even worse.

Things were not right. Something was off. I think deep down I knew what was happening but I just couldn’t face it

2009 my son had cancer. My father also passed away. One can not describe what it is like to have a child with cancer. I remember holding it together in the hospital with my son and then crying all the way on the long drive home, tears streaming down my face. If 2009 was a physical object I would have spat on it and smashed it with a hammer. He beat cancer and we got a trip to Disneyland but more on that in another blog. Thing is, about this time I was contemplating leaving her. That was until she got pregnant (she went off the pill but didn’t tell me - another story for another blog). But things were not right. Something was off. I think deep down I knew what was happening but I just couldn’t face it.

2012 I found out that once again my partner was being unfaithful to me, and had been over a long period of time. Even while our son was having treatment for cancer. A last ditch effort was made to save the marriage (I had my reasons for this and I’ll go into them another time - mostly because my youngest was two and I couldn't bare to not be with him every day) and we moved interstate but a few years later I found she was still in contact with the guy (one of the guys) she had an affair with who had been a high ranking person in our church, also married with five children of his own. Some people are just despicable. Can we just put them all on an island together somwhere? (Oh wait, thats how we got Australia). They were planning to meet up.

The day I honestly thought I would be better off dead was the darkest moment of my life

This began a horrible time of trying to extract myself and my children from a situation that had become so financially, physically, emotionally and mentally dire that at one point I considered ending it all. I never broadcast this because it’s not my nature to tell my ills to those around me, and because I honestly felt that no one cared and that I was all alone. And she was expert at silencing me. The day I thought I would be better off dead was the darkest moment of my life. I separated from her in the same house and she enacted a reign of terror on me. She would attack me verbally in a rage, at times getting physically violent but other times just threatening (death threats and just being menacing). Alcohol played a massive part in all this which I can go into more depth another time. I was told I was not a man. That I wasn’t even a person. When she couldn’t get to me (because I shut down and wouldn’t talk to her) she would pick fights with my 15 year old son so I had to intervene. And then she wondered why he came to live with me and now tragically wants very little to do with her.

You can’t make this stuff up, and I don’t blame you if you don’t believe it

I would lock myself in a little store cupboard sleeping on a bed my sister gave me so I didn’t have to sleep on a mattress on the floor in the dead of winter with no heating. Meanwhile she’s sleeping in a queen size bed in the warm part of the house. Sleeping or passed out drunk, not sure which. If I did lock myself in she would bang on the door until I opened it (or there was that time she called the cops). I slept afraid to wake up dead. She would take my keys, my phone, my computer. Anything to try and get me under her control again. At times I was so lonely, so beaten that I would go back to her. I am ashamed to admit that. I would actually try again to make it work, went to marriage counselling, tried everything, but a caged animal will eventually get a taste for freedom and it seems I was no longer to be caged and eventually couldn’t take it anymore. About the time her mother died, I left her. The day before her birthday (and if you've listened to my music you'll know what that song is about now!).

Here it is if you aren't familiar with Happy Birthday (I'm Leaving You)

So no doubt I looked like an a grade butthole, especially when her father and sister in law (and personal friend) had also recently died. I know I lost friends as a result and others I had to weed out myself. More on Flying Monkeys in another post. As my therapist said its never a good time to leave someone so I did. I had to. For me and for my kids. I know this sounds crazy. You can’t make this stuff up, and I don’t blame you if you don’t believe it. My life was a soap opera.

Why did I stay so long? I had no money and was in debt. I was afraid to leave the kids with her. I thought no one cared. I felt trapped. I did leave twice and went to my sister's house, but she was too far away and I was worried for my children so went back. So many reasons I lasted as long as I did and this is also worthy of a blog of its own.

I set about healing (another blog post or three). Three years and two days ago I got my freedom and my divorce was granted. Three years and one day ago I met my wife. I also asked her to marry me the day after I met her - at least in person. (I know! I know! That’s another story, one worth telling and one worth listening to and I promise this one has a happy beginning and we work towards a happy never-ending, and I promise to tell it dear reader. Eve is amazing! I could write a hundred blog posts about her!). This time I was drowning in love rather than despair. In 2018 I lost my mother to a stroke and this time I had my Eve to comfort me and ease the blow. About the only thing my ex said to me when my dad passed was ‘you didn’t visit him much I don’t know why you’re so sad’. That still gets to me.

Don’t be silent. Don’t accept being treated like dirt. If someone cheats you, it’s not your fault

So, the point of telling all this. I was silenced in part because I felt isolated and that no one cared, and part because my ex silenced me. Even my family didn’t know about much of what went on. Even my kids didn’t know about the cheating and her drinking. Speak up. If you are struggling, get help. If someone is trying to stop you from speaking up, then they do not have your best wishes at heart. Talk to a parent, a friend, a trained professional. Don’t be silent. Don’t accept being treated like dirt. If someone cheats you, it’s not your fault (as she had me believing for years), it’s the cheaters fault. Get out. Once a cheater, always a cheater. And just because someone looks like they have it together doesn’t mean that they do. Many were shocked when I left my ex (and those who knew what had been going on probably said a hearty 'hooray, about fricken time!'). They thought we were this amazing couple but the reality was that I was hanging by a thread for many years. I wanted to get out but I didn’t know how. Letting go sometimes is harder than holding on.

Just keep swimming as a forgetful fish says in that Pixar movie

Life is filled with open highways but also dark tunnels. They are dark and filled with horrors but the reality is, if we keep going they always end. In these dark moments, days, weeks, months and years my mantra has always been to put one foot in front of the other. Just keep swimming as a forgetful fish says in that Pixar movie. I’ve been though it. It’s true.

If you’re struggling, if life is rough and tough, speak up

This is the reason as an artist I go by Waking Fenix. I get burned but I just rise from the ashes. It’s like that song but from the 90s, 'I get knocked down but I get up again. You’re never gonna keep me down'. No doubt life will knock me down again and I pray that I will have the strength to stand once more. Just because life is great for me now, I have a wife that’s incredible and I’m crazy about, my kids are all healthy and things look peachy, they haven’t always been this way. I went through the tunnels, I wasn't burried by them. Keep moving forward. My tunnels took me to an amazing place. They were cold, and dark and at times overwhelming but they too me to a place where I am loved and cared for in a way I never could have imagined. If I had crumbled and taken my life I would never have gotten where I am. Always remember, how you feel right now is not going to be how you will always feel. Things do get better, and bowing out is never the right answer. If you’re struggling, if life is rough and tough, speak up. Get help. Don't try and go it alone, you don't have to. I am forever thankful for the strength to make it through. I hope you make it, whatever it is you are going through, as I did, and for that I #givethanks