Finding the upside of down

No ever told me that moving cities, moving countries wasn’t like a Hollywood blockbuster. Girl moves to New York and finds herself with a new, edgy set of friends and endless plans. Typically, that girl discovers a lot about herself, mostly positive things. But here’s the thing, that isn’t exactly what happened for me. I found myself prepping for move, watching countless moving vlogs and reading books about a city girl in a quaint little town. That obviously didn’t help me when it came down to being alone with my feelings. The murky waters of those feelings and what came with it definitely surprised me. I was the girl who was supposed to be healed and a much better version of myself. I was supposed to be the girl that overcame flashbacks and unwanted thoughts about my past.

But sitting alone, trying to familiarise myself with this new country, new people and a new language was daunting to say the least. It made me understand myself on another level, living with another person helped me understand that I am in fact, very flawed human being and that healing isn’t linear. Healing it a winding road with twist and turns and I was definitely at a stand still. But it was exactly what I needed, to be still with my feelings and thoughts. It’s a scary process, a lonely one, but it was one that I needed all along. I just didn’t know it.

Here are some of things I learnt about my feelings and myself during the first few months of my move:

- I may not have been completely over my traumas and that’s okay. I didn’t need to rush myself to the finish line of healing. Especially if you have had years of trauma, that will take time and compassion to untangle from

- I have power over my thoughts and can decide what I let effect me and what I let in my heart and mind

- Theres power in being alone. There is so much strength in believing that you are enough and you don’t have to be bad company or any company to feel less lonely

- A new start could mean that I had a chance to change and rearrange some things in my life (I rearranged my furniture a million times to make it more like my old home). Its okay to let in change.

- I realised that with I was so accustomed to the constant state of doing. Go to work, get a cup of coffee that was way beyond my weekly budget, overshare with coworkers and fall asleep to The Vampire Diaries (which I watched a billion times). It was a steady routine that lacked the aspect of being present and really sitting with my emotions. I simply didn’t have the time to comprehend what I wanted and needed in my life. To stay still for a while.

Moving to another place, not working from an office with others, both those things dramatically change the dynamics in your life. But everything is about perspective, right? I chose to see that I am growing into the woman I need to be at this time. Its messy, painful and there were some realisations I didn’t expect. It made me feel like being flawed was a bad thing. Until I realised here was an upside to down. There was beauty and peace found beneath these tangled vines I called my thoughts and feelings. There was acceptance for a woman who had come to know, that my life may not have resembled my favourite movies and books about a girl who moved to another town and became this exciting version of herself. I found excitement in my slow living. I found joy bubbling underneath my skin, and I got comfortable with the idea of this place being my new home.

No one ever told me that moving cities or countries wasn't like a Hollywood blockbuster. Girl moves to New York, finds herself with an edgy new set of friends and endless plans. Typically, that girl discovers a lot about herself—mostly positive things. But here’s the thing: that isn’t exactly what happened for me.

I found myself preparing for the move, watching countless moving vlogs, and reading books about city girls in quaint little towns. However, they didn't help when I was alone with my feelings. The murky waters of those emotions and what accompanied them definitely surprised me. I was the girl who was supposed to be healed, a much better version of myself. I was meant to be the one who overcame flashbacks and unwanted thoughts about my past.

But sitting alone, trying to familiarize myself with a new country, new people, and a new language was daunting, to say the least. It forced me to understand myself on a deeper level. Living with someone else helped me realize that I am, in fact, a very flawed human being and that healing isn’t linear. Healing is a winding road with twists and turns, and I was definitely at a standstill. But that stillness was precisely what I needed—to sit with my feelings and thoughts. It’s a scary and lonely process, but it was one I needed all along; I just didn’t know it.

Here are some things I learned about my feelings and myself during the first few months of my move:

- I may not have been completely over my traumas, and that’s okay. I didn’t need to rush to the finish line of healing. Especially after years of trauma, it takes time and compassion to untangle.

- I have power over my thoughts and can decide what affects me and what I let into my heart and mind.

- There’s strength in being alone. You don’t have to be in bad company—or any company—to feel less lonely.

- A new start means I had a chance to change and rearrange things in my life. (I rearranged my furniture a million times to make it feel more like my old home.) It's okay to embrace change.

- I realized I was so accustomed to a constant state of doing: going to work, splurging on coffee beyond my budget, oversharing with coworkers, and falling asleep to *The Vampire Diaries* (which I’ve watched a billion times). This steady routine lacked presence and didn’t allow me to sit with my emotions. I simply didn’t have time to comprehend what I wanted and needed in my life, or to stay still for a while.

Moving to a new place and not working in an office with others dramatically changed the dynamics of my life. But everything is about perspective, right? I chose to see this as an opportunity to grow into the woman I need to be at this time. It’s messy and painful, with some unexpected realizations. For a while, I felt that being flawed was a bad thing—until I realized there was an upside to being down. Beneath these tangled vines I called my thoughts and feelings, I found beauty and peace. I accepted that my life may not resemble my favourite movies and books about girls who move away and become exciting versions of themselves.

I found excitement in my slow living. Joy bubbled beneath my skin, and I grew comfortable with the idea of this place being my new home.