Faith It Till You Make It

"Faith it till you make it” is my guiding rule for 2021. It’s technically not a new one but a continuation of a growth that helped me get through the past two years.

In late 2018, I was sitting in my car in a parking lot, frustrated with what I felt was ten years of non-movement in my career. I moved 4,000 miles away from my family so that I could pursue my dreams and, as far as I could tell, I hadn't made any real progress. I was wrong, but there was no way I could get that through my head.

I just wanted the world to stop spinning so that I could figure out where I had gone wrong and what I needed to do to catch up.

I grew up religious, but not necessarily spiritual. Catholicism was a community I grew up within and felt connected to because of the people and my family history, not because of a higher power. So I didn't think I was praying or even that anyone was listening.

It seemed like all my problems were connected to my career, so when I got the opportunity to work for a dream company, I jumped at it. The timing would be fortuitous as I started the job as a temp the day after a family member died in a terrorist attack and then would officially start the position a few days after the death of my grandmother.

I focused on work. That's what I had asked for and that's what I got. I loved my job but I still wasn't necessarily happy or fulfilled. I blamed it on the job.

Then in February 2020, I got word that I was being laid off due to a department restructuring. They tried to move me into another role but then lockdown happened.

The world had stopped spinning! My full wish had come true. Now what?

I threw myself into creating! I had unemployment, a cushion if it took time to bring money in and I was still job hunting. I'm not married, I don't have kids, and I was grateful that those weren't factors I had to think about in a pandemic (if you are married, have kids, or there's anyone else in your household you have to take care of, you are a rockstar!).

My "theme word" for 2020 had been "enjoy" and I was teaching myself to do that as I learned to appreciate the life I built and I was genuinely happy... but something wasn't right. I would tell my therapist, "I don't feel grounded," over and over though I wasn't even sure what I meant.

Losing steam as the quarantine wore on into summer and fall, with fewer opportunities to apply to, the Universe answered my call again.

My back had been slowly stiffening, a pinched sciatic nerve most likely, so I was stretching daily to try and work it out. One morning, no amount of stretching would help so I stopped... 20 minutes later I was screaming in pain.

There was fire shooting up my back. I couldn't walk. I couldn't sit. I thought I might never walk again. I'd never been to a hospital or emergency room before, how would that even work? My roommate couldn't come with me with the pandemic. I'm was going to be alone and scared. The ER doctors told me that I'd aggravated my vertebrae but they couldn't help me. They gave me drugs for two days, and I spend the next two weeks lying on the floor.

I was literally grounded.

For the first time in decades, I was alone with my thoughts to figure out what I really want, why I want it, how I was going to get it, and most importantly, what my purpose is.

I realized that I didn't have faith that I would achieve my goals or that I deserved them. The only life I had envisioned for myself was that as a writer. I didn't know what my home would look like or my dream office, the person I want to be with, what raising our kids would look like. None of that. Just me, sitting and typing. Which is a start but it's not a vision and you can achieve that in two minutes.

I needed to get specific about what I wanted and how to achieve it. I needed to visualize this every day until I truly believed that it would happen. Until I had faith that it was happening.

I had read books like Miracle Morning, 12 Week Year, Atomic Habits, etc. I was doing the steps but I didn't the faith or even know what exactly I wanted.

Faith did not come easy and still doesn't. But if I don't wake up every morning, at the very least lying to myself that it would happen, then it won't.

Trust the outcome. Enjoy the process. And others will see the joy exude from you.

Going into 2021, I want this growing practice to become a pure habit for me. I didn’t “fake it till I made it.” I had faith to make it.