Destruction and Creation

My art has always been a light in my life. An outlet that rejuvenates me and creates happiness. The darkest times of the chronic depression that have been a part of my entire adult life, I find myself unable to create, or I punish myself by not allowing myself to create; I haven't figured out which. Maybe it just feels like a punishment because I am unable to. This whole thing is a strange cycle that after all of these years I still have yet to fully understand. What starts or stops it, I wish I knew. I equate it to a switch that I'd give anything to be able to flip off once it has been turned on.

Now before anybody rolls their eyes and says why doesn't this lady get herself some help, let me reassure you that I like to term myself a "highly functioning" depressed individual. I shower everyday, help others, pay my bills, keep food in the fridge for my kid, and excel at my job. But sometimes a life event will trigger a deep depression. When that happens the medication and counseling that keeps me functioning day -to-day dead-ends at my bedroom, where I'll retreat to the warm safety of my covers. Watching Netflix and subsiding on microwave meals is the only extracurricular activity (other than hanging out with my son) I'm capable of for the next several months to year at a time. My friends who know me well check in on me, and we've literally come to refer to these periods as "hibernating". I'm OK in the sense that I'm breathing, but not OK in the sense that I'm not living my life.

A sign of emerging from the darkness is when once again I think about being able to create beautiful things. During my last "hibernation" I stumbled across a new artform on YouTube called doll repainting. Essentially you take an old toy doll apart, remove all of its old worn parts, then breathe new life into it; character, hair, face, clothes, whatever strikes your fancy. Watching these videos was all I was capable of, but I was educating myself during that time. As I watched I was thinking "Here is everything I love about making costumes, and doing makeup and hair; just smaller."

I began thinking about it more and more. Sewing beautiful costumes in as much detail as I wanted because it would be just a fraction of the cost. Hand-beading, hand-stitching, fine-fabrics, embroidery; all of it would be possible because it is on such tiny pieces of fabric. If I wanted to create historically accurate costuming with four intricate layers, the only challenge would be finding trims to scale. I started making my wish lists on Amazon and Etsy and pretty soon I was creating Pinterest boards as well...I was almost on a roll!

So here I am, 18 months after the pandemic started, emerging from an exponential emotional ass-kicking. Maybe this is a "which came first the chicken or the egg" type scenario? Did my depression start subsiding and then I was able to be free enough to create art, or did my interest in this unique art finally spark enough in my mind to bring me out of my depression? I truly don't know. What I do know is that I finished my first complete doll repainting at 11:30PM on May 31st, just in time for MerMay! So let me share with you a few parts of the doll repainting process.

Cutting and deconstructing yarn and embroidery floss to create hair for dolls is incredibly therapeutic. The process of repetitive tactile motion running fingers through beautifully colored soft silky fibers over and over to unweave all of the yarn and fiber calms me after and makes me happy. The process of making doll hair is lengthy yet simple. I first decide what colors and textures to use, then cut all of the different fibers needed. After this everything is attached to plastic grids then combed out to remove all of the loose fibers. At this point the "hair" is straightened if desired. The last step is cutting them off the grids and gluing them into what will become hair wefts. After the hair wefts are finished an actual wig cap is made and the wig is assembled for the doll. For Fiska (pictured above) I made flocking by cutting very short pieces of the silky pearl-colored yarn I created her long locks from. She has her fabulous flowing mohawk which still gives that mermaid feel, but the sides of her wig are created with the flocking which gives that fierce look I think a siren would have.

My favorite part of creating a doll is drawing her face. I get lost in the process of contouring features and making the eyes as real as possible; before I know it I've passed an entire day sitting at my work table. Fiska's black sclera make her blue irises even more striking. Watercolor pencil is put down and then a special UV sealant is sprayed on. Layer upon layer of this is applied until the desired detail and saturation level has been achieved. The contouring is done with chalk pastels and mineral makeup. The mineral makeup gives that luster that is this case made the doll's skin look pearlescent. It usually takes a couple of days to get the face completed. The last step is attaching and trimming eyelashes, by far the most frustrating task! Fiska is a deep sea siren so her eyelashes are very long and originate from the bottom of her lids. I trimmed each lash individually with my razor-edge scissors to achieve this look.

I have always jokingly referred to my various Fiskars tools as my "implements of destruction". Today I realized that destruction truly is an integral part of my creative process. In order to create something truly beautiful I always dismantle and deconstruct materials for repurposing. Today I was also contemplating the cycle of this depression and periods of darkness in relationship to creating art. Maybe it would be impossible to truly appreciate the gift that is creating beautiful art without periods of darkness in your life. How thankful I am for the gifts I have been given and for being out of the darkness once again.