Dear Universe

"Dear God" comes from one of my favorite books, The Color Purple by Alice Walker. Another story of the underdog woman, who rises strong within herself, finds love, and reunites with her long lost sister and children. A story that sings pain and fairytale like triumphedness. I find that a lot of my mentors find that I am not yet all that I could be in this life. I find that I am pushing myself to be greatness and achieve a sort of grand, unrealistic homeostasis. I wanted the relationship, the scholarship, the fantastic grades, the spiritual apex, the "Queen of the World," the justice for my people, a story where a woman like myself could rise grand out of the shadows with perfection and a strength unlike anything ever seen.

Naivety and weakness tend to be synonymous. They feel similar. Feeling like you are blindfolded in life stepping through territory previously stepped on but no one is telling you how to be to find your way through the maze. So many people tell lies, put up facades, over speak, compete, and over look. I wonder why I can't be trusted by my peers? I am not a people magnet and it makes me question my connections and the intentions of their hearts to be with me.

Is this how it feels to be lost? Surrounded by support but never secure in it. Is it because I am not secure in myself? I search for what was told that I should want in life: Academic achievement, financial gain, love, and a family of my own, and a career. I do believe that I want these things, but I have a hunger to manifest them.

I have needs and wants that I have yet experienced—many things personal to me, and some things like traveling, creating my own safe house/community for queer women of color, finding my passions and excelling in them, and being less afraid of others' eyes. I see abundance for myself, not myself as a sad writer that writes for herself without making an impact on the lives of women/young people that I truly desire.

I think is it because I never had a long term mentor? Is it because I never let myself fully out to anyone? Is it because I am being so sheltered or traditional? Why do I fight internally while others laugh, love, and enjoy happiness? I think I took on the world as my child. I feel like the mother of the world sometimes. I worry. I walk in the world as if I am a role model, a Saint, or an angel.

It used to be because of my religion. Now I do it for my family's approval & my own sense that my way is the only way to create ease in my family's lives, searching for the gold of happiness and the freedom of others which is in my DNA. My ancestors must have been of great turmoil. I feel their burdens in me that I am healing. As soon as I realized my identities, I took on hiding myself for the greater good of the world and my family.

Dear God, please make my internal struggles less complex. Let me out of mental strife, "issues," let me taste a long term freedom where I can be content with my condition. Being so in my head and not grounded causes me to lose relationships and not be prepared for human connections of many multitudes. Being a writer enables me to use these blank pages to spend my hours in my own head and not in the world. It is the ultimate self-protection to be secluded. It makes me appear content but I feel a fire to safety in the world. Seeing it & feeling it.

Dear God, help me manifest my desires. Give me the ways to handle my triggers, give me the words to say to stand up for myself properly. I don't want a sad writer's life. Help me to manifest love for myself and my family. We all struggle sometimes but we have family, we still have fun, we still spend time.

I feel that I lose everything that I love so deeply. Devastation hits my doorstep far too often. I have a hunger inside of me that makes me stay in longer than feels comfortable. I do have reflections of my life and some of the choices that I made. My life seems like a game of Monopoly. I make one wrong move, and I am set back to square one in love and academia. Living takes Guts. So many stories need to be told, so many people and speaking now that it is hard to balance being the listener or the storyteller.

The search for the ultimate justice, the search to be understood and memorialized I guess is what everyone is scrambling for. Dear God, let me make the choices that sets my life steps forward and upward to purpose, not exhaustive searching. You know what I need. You know what we all need, and I will search for you. I know that you understand me and will guide us all in the direction of our purposes. Amen. Ashe.

12-25-2018.