Dear me, don't be a dick...

2021. The year of rebirth! Of rejoicing! Of ousting all the terrible nightmares! (Orange or otherwise...) The great year that will wash away all sins of the ugly 2020! Right?

Welp, turns out that turning the page on the calendar doesn't actually change much when it comes to the state of the world or even our own well-being. But, for some reason, psychologically, it's just enough to give us the motivation for a "fresh start." And while we may not be able to change the people and things around us, as the late great Michael Jackson sung it - that's why I'm starting with me. And this year, instead of making some grand resolution to lose weight, get in shape, or call off alcohol... which historically has meant I'll stick to my guns for the first few months of the year and then lose all motivation whatsoever half way through -- I'm going with a different approach. A day-by-day approach. And a single mantra: hey self, don't be a dick.

Being a dic(k)tator in your own life might seem like a necessary evil, but really, it's a problem; and when it comes to cutting it out, the ball's in your court (but enough with the metaphorical phallicies...) If y'all are anything like me, you walk around most of the time giving yourself messages that are anything but kind. And these aren't just passing comments or a whisper here and there. You're REALLY giving it yourself. I mean, in any other context, these would be fightin' words... but you'd look like even more of an idiot if you started punching yourself in the fast food drive through when you know you have perfectly good (*healthier) food at home.

But... how do you break the cycle of being unkind to yourself? How do you stop the little devilish voice in your head that repeats, "You're a failure, a loser, a fat lard..." or any of the other sinister sayings you fear. Well, the answer may seem trite, or even entirely unhelpful, but it's the truth. And here it is, like Nike said: Just do it.

When I was growing up I used to think to myself, "Why am I like this? Why does my mind say these things to me? Why won't it stop!?!?" And therein lay the problem - not taking responsibility for my own thoughts; and not accepting ownership over MY OWN MIND. It's surprisingly easy to miss out on controlling your own thoughts by the way, but the fact is, there's no one rattling around inside your brain but you (exceptions being made of course for those who suffer from mental illness resulting in involuntary auditory hallucinations - and that's rare folks!) For most of us, even if it feels like it's out of our control, that voice in your head is YOU. You have the ability to control what it says or doesn't say - all you have to do is accept it.

But how can you possibly change something that feels like more than just a habit, something that feels almost...permanent, embedded. Well, you could try taking a page out of Portia Nelson's book. Literally. Go ahead and read this poem from her book on self-discovery. The poem is entitled, "Autobiography in Five Short Chapters."

Chapter I

I walk down the street.

There is a deep hole in the sidewalk.

I fall in.

I am lost ... I am helpless.

It isn't my fault.

It takes me forever to find a way out.

Chapter II

I walk down the same street.

There is a deep hole in the sidewalk.

I pretend I don't see it.

I fall in again.

I can't believe I am in the same place.

But it isn't my fault.

It still takes a long time to get out.

Chapter III

I walk down the same street.

There is a deep hole in the sidewalk.

I see it is there.

I still fall in ... it's a habit.

My eyes are open.

I know where I am.

It is my fault.

I get out immediately.

Chapter IV

I walk down the same street.

There is a deep hole in the sidewalk.

I walk around it.

Chapter V

I walk down another street.

So how do you get yourself out of that hole, off of that street, and eventually onto brighter paths? The answer is simple, a-hole. Next time, GO AROUND. We often spend too much time feeling sorry for ourselves, wondering "why has this happened TO me?" instead of "how can I make things different for myself?" Now, it may seem counterintuitive to start blaming yourself for falling in holes when we're talking about avoiding negative self-talk, but it's necessary to identify where you're being unkind to yourself, to accept responsibility for that, and then to develop the tools to change it.

So first, ask yourself, what's my hole? (the metaphorical kind of course.) Maybe you beat yourself up for tiny mistakes; maybe you tell yourself you'll never amount to anything; maybe you repeat the nasty things someone else said to you growing up. Whatever it is, figure it out. Once you can identify the things you want to change, then you can make the plan to change them.

Next, make a plan for what it means to dig yourself out of the hole even as you're falling in, or once you've fallen. This can be a challenge, but it's entirely possible; and it's probably going to be a multi-step process. The first step in going around a hole is stopping yourself once you're already halfway in. When you're already thinking those devilish thoughts - be aware of it and make the conscious decision to STOP. Even if you feel you're already down the rabbit hole... any time is a good time to stop. Come up with a redirect message or a set of questions to interrupt the cycle, like, "Hey, what are you doing this for? Is this really going to help you right now?" It may take some time and some practice to feel like this is actually working for you, but press on! Once you can interrupt the cycle, you can start to change it. After you become comfortable stopping yourself mid-rant, you can start to stop the rants altogether.

Now, GO AROUND. Come up with some tools that will help you speak more kindly to yourself. For me, I found this the hardest to do, and I struggle with it every day; but the perseverance to achieve the goal is enough to feel like I'm making progress; and even when a fraction of the negativity I usually give myself is lifted, the lightening of that weight breathes a new energy into me. You might, for example, have built up a strong habit to call yourself names. "You idiot" is something that crosses my mind frequently, and feels almost involuntary. Now, it's really hard to totally break a life-long habit, and saying things like "you beautiful human, it's okay" after I make a mistake just does not come naturally to me. But, you can start to shift your mindset, and that's something I can start to wrap my head around. So instead of "You idiot." I might say "Great. That's real great." And even though the sarcastic tone in my head is very real, the content of my words also represents a very real shift in language from negative connotation to positive. I'm no longer hearing "idiot" all day... and thus, feeling like less of one. Even though I might have been disappointed in myself for a mistake here and there, I'm kind of laughing it off now, kind of poking fun instead of just... poking. It may seem small, but it still feels good.

So really, that's pretty much it folks. My 2021 goals: figuring out my holes and how to get around them. Might sound more like the goals of a hormonal teenager, but in the metaphorical sense, it's a very adult thing to do. In all seriousness though, take the time to take stock of your thoughts this year a and STOP dicking around. It's easy to forget that achieving anything in life starts with setting yourself up for success, and simply thinking kinder can go a long way.

Ahem - here's a poem of my own to help these tips stick: each and every day, just don't be a dick. Figure out your hole, and how to go around. Even if it's simply changing a sound. Don't worry if you're not perfect, don't worry if you forget what to do. You can restart any time, and be kind to YOU.