Dear Diary...

I’m a firm believer in everything happens for a reason, even if we don’t know what that reason is.

~

Life will continue to give us twists and turns.

It will continue to badger and bash against the walls we’ve erected around ourselves.

I loved you once.

I believed that you loved me in return.

But loving you was like standing on quicksand.

I could never gain any ground.

For a moment, you dazzled me, and I was able to breathe,

And then you were gone, and I was left with nothing.

I had created this darkened image of myself.

I had lost all amount of hope.

And hope was no longer a home I felt welcomed in.

I’m drowning in the memories of the happiness I thought we shared.

I’m suffocating on the dreams I had shared with you.

Because those dreams never went anywhere.

Just snuffed out like a candle.

~

I’m going to hold my head up.

I’m going to learn to breathe without you.

I’m going to learn to live without you, because I can.

I can become a better me.

It took me so long to say goodbye

But that’s how things worked with you.

I’d feel broken and heart slashed open,

And then with a gentle hand and a kiss

You’d somehow heal the broken pieces

More like a band-aid on a gaping wound.

~

Sometimes it feels like I’ll never be me again

Sometimes it feels like I’ll never manage to make myself whole.

I’m not mad at you.

I’m not ashamed to have known you.

I’m just sorry that I couldn’t continue to love you.

I didn’t want to be your trophy anymore.

I didn’t want to hurt anymore.

I wanted to heal,

I wanted to feel something other than the pain and love mixture you shared.

~

I was hoping for a perfect marriage

I was hoping to love you for the rest of my life.

Instead, I feel like life was stolen from me.

It feels like the life was sucked out of the marrow in my bones

There’s no strength left in my body.

It just feels like I’m caught in a twisted web

Where your lies wrapped me in truths,

Here I am, the fly trapped in your strings of deceit.

What am I supposed to learn from being trapped?

What am I supposed to gain?

Who can I trust?

Now that you’ve burned out the light inside of me.

Who’s going to help me navigate through the darkness?

~

So, here’s the clue.

Here’s the sticky strings holding me back from the truth.

Nothing is going to stop me from learning to live again.

If it kills me,

I’m going to learn to dig myself out of the sand

I’ll strain every muscle to reach out to the younger versions of myself that need love and care.

~

Then comes the rain,

The never-ending ebb and flow of emotions swarming me

I’ll crawl my way onto solid ground

And I’ll lay there

My back pressed firmly against the ground

As the rain pours down and cleanses my soul

I’ll close my eyes and remember how to breathe

I’ll cry and let the tears be mixed with the rain

It’s killing me

But I’ll know when everything is right again

~

Spirit come down and mend my soul

Father reach down your hand to hold on to mine

God help me…

I’ll lie on the ground and wait,

Even as it feels like life slips through my fingers.

Everything is a bit numb,

Completely unclear,

My chest aches,

The anxiety has stripped away my resolve

Instead, my heart is racing

Pounding like a drum in my chest.

Will I die today?

Will I live?

~

No.

One day,

One time,

One glorious moment,

I will rise.