Crowds To Loneliness

My Spirit is dejected, but I have found a better comfort in the truth.

Cast out from the hearts of those I gave myself over to, in expectation that I'd be accepted, what was birthed in my mind as friendship was truly a crowd of enemies. They welcomed me with sneers and malicious winking, and as I was naive, believing their expressions were trustworthy, I sat among the ones who hated my life. What was love to me back then proved to be nothing more than fiends preying upon a lost child, sitting among dogs who hadn't any true honor about themselves. I am gladdened more by my sorrow than by their company, for it reminds me of the honesty I seek. It is my own, but it is worthy, more so than their deceit has ever been, and never shall their lies be acceptable to me again. I am alone.

The unwanted wolf has emerged... from among the sheep who’ve painted their coats to look black. All of them are pitiful, for they have shed their white spotless robes, And have exchanged them to adorn the gowns of the wicked.

You should know the truth, I have not one need to love anyone. Not one, but I will determine that for myself alone.

All the heart ache of searching after those who might accept me, washed away with the difference between us, because they misunderstand me. It is obvious to me that I am dismissed of my own self importance, but the rejection comes from others before myself. This is what I’ve learned to do to my life, because through the hatred others have shown toward me, I have realized my worthless disadvantage, and I escape nothing even from walking away.

My head is lowered and my ears seek silence from the taunting of crowds. All of whom forged weapons of cruelty in light of my dejection. They crave my destruction, as if the thought of it brings them both a sense of satisfaction, and reason to look to the future. They plan my death, And speak vile words against my life. But I walk around hiding my nature, that if I can’t be recognized, I might slip past the crowds unscathed.

Still the fear of their violent affliction teases my memory, and gives me an unpleasant feeling of anxiety and discomfort. I wait for the day I can sink my teeth into the flesh of my offenders, but they are sly and secretive. Somehow I walk with my face in shame. They follow, waiting for me to falter, and whilst laying snares for me, I manage to survive yet.

But, it was the world itself that seemed to hurt me most. I put my trust in it, even granting to it my admiration. I wondered how it was created, and was amazed about the things in the world. I was but a naive lonely child. It was a wish of mine to ask that God might consider forgiving all mankind, and yet, he answered by giving me a lifelong course of examples why it is not possible. Wicked and evil men do not have interest in showing mercy, treating forgiveness as though it were something forbidden by them. This makes appeasing the cruelty in their minds impossible, and brings understanding to me.

I know now why I was wrong. Mankind should be cast to the ground by terrifying calamity. They should be made to grip it as their only source of security, because I know they aren’t able to bare being with the goodness of a most worthy righteous representative. They are granted a life to live, because his grace is patiently waiting until all the children of providence are born and accounted for. For this reason I must live the remainder of my life with patience, and perhaps solitude will allow for my ability to have tolerance for what evil and corruption is being done all the world over. It saddens me, but I need to remain strong enough to survive. May contentment come my way and never part from me.

Signed,

Benjamin.