Complex Reality

Complex PTSD come with Suicidal Thoughts:

Complex PTSD affects how you see yourself, relate to the world and others around you. As well as hindering your ability to form relationships, regulating emotions and common feeling of shame, guilt and failure relating to the traumatic event. Complex PTSD is exactly that, complex.

Living in a constant state were my body tells me that I am unsafe and while in my mind trying to convince myself otherwise. It gets to a point where the thought of fighting gets tiring. There are times you start believing that you are unsafe, overthinking and constantly making stories and scenarios up in your mind, linking your present moment to your past trauma. Your mind become a place that isn't fun and enjoyable to be in. It doesn't just affect how you see yourself. It affects how you connect with others, the things you tolerate, surround yourself with and how you relate to your external environment. You get use to this negative mindset and it's hard to get yourself out but I know it's not impossible.

In my past experienced I have burned myself out to the point where I had no energy left for my needs. Where I've catered for others needs whether it was a practical or emotional. I made a habit of over pouring parts of me, which then left me exhausted and drained. I'm not saying don't pour or share part of yourself. You have to learn your limits and the amount you are able to give. You have to be able to distinguish who is capable on reciprocating and understand your boundaries and limits. Because not everybody will understand. It's important to carter to your needs first because the bigger picture is an empty cup is no use for anyone, especially for you. It's not selfish to want to figure out what your needs, desires and goals are. You get to a point where you do have to put yourself first. The people that you surround yourself with should understand that, if not they should at least respect it.

From time to time there are moments where I fear feeling my emotions because in past experiences it has lead me to having to make a choose whether I should stay and feel them or jump and never feel again. Having to make a choose about keeping your own life, changes the way you see yourself and the world around you. Every Sunday I use to sit in my backyard and watch the sunrise. There were time where it was gloomy and grey and other times it was colourful and an aw to watch. I'd like to think that my emotions are similar to a sunrise. There are time where it's going to be grey and gloomy although they are a must. Without them I wouldn't truly appreciate those colourful colours that come from time to time.

HEALING:

Healing from Complex PTSD is a journey and this will not look the same for everyone. There are times I want to hop off and go back to avoiding. But I know what avoiding does. It just amplifies those emotions you're trying to avoid and they start intertwining into different parts of your life. I've done plenty of avoiding and I know where each one of them always lead me. Back to those emotions I have shove deep in pandora's box.

There are different types of healing for each individuals. With healing you are the only person that is able to measure the amount you have patched up. You know how much effort, acknowledging and understanding your emotions took to get where you are. To be able to let go of those knots forming in your chest. There will be times where it feels like your back to square one. But you're not. That's when you gently remind yourself about the work and effort you've done to get where you are now.

One thing I found hard was to embrace detaching from all the conclusions that you've made about yourself during those survival mode. Being able to unlearn and come to an understanding that those conclusions aren't who you are or defines you're core values and worth. This is a journey for you and you only. Nobody has to understand your process because that's nobody's concern but yours. The healing process changed me into a different person and with those changes it comes with altering my definitions on myself and the external thing around me. It's surprisingly comforting knowing that I got through a situation that should of never occurred but did.

From that experience it's empowered me knowing that I am able to get through anything. All having to go through these uncomfortable emotions builds resilience, strength, bravery and courage. I've tasted what peace, contentment and self love are. That's something I would never trade. If I have to feel emotions whether it's pain, shame or guilt. I will welcome them because I know there is a pot of gold at the end of it. Each time I acknowledge and understand my emotions those knots untie themselves and the weight get lighter.

We've been conditioned that showing emotions is a sign of weakness. I think in this day and age we have to accept that as humans we will feel emotions whether we like it or not. That's just the reality. A reality that is slippery to grasp but it's a must. Reminding yourself that it will take time for you to build who you want to be. Stepping towards healing doesn't always mean having to take giant steps. A baby step is a step. It shouldn't matter how big or small. Your effort counts and that's all that matters.

Being able to educate and separate your symptoms from your believes about yourself is important. Because you are not your diagnose and illness. Those do not define who are you and who you will be.

A link below is a website that I've found helpful. They also have social media accounts that you are able to follow.