Coming into Focus

I have come to realize that purpose is composed of what we fear and what we love. We must find a way to combine the two. That’s how we really grow most. Life is like a photograph being taken in slow motion. We are moving into position for the snapshot as we live our lives. At the end, it is taken. Some will see what they did not accomplish. Some will see what they achieved. All will see their purposes. Which will it be for you? Maybe this is what is meant by our lives flashing before our eyes when we face death. The goal is to lessen the regret we will see as much as possible.

There are moments in life that are clues to what will be in our final photographs. We must pay attention to connect the clues to solve the mystery of our purposes. It is normal to not know your purpose for a long time. Some may never realize theirs if they don’t try. Some may see theirs late in life. Painful things are meant to happen to send us in the right directions.

One of the most striking clues from my life occurred in the last year. It was a connection my therapist made about a vision I had that came true during a car accident in November 2011. A few minutes before the accident, I had a vision of the book I was reading falling spine open in front of me as the car flipped in an accident. I thought it was my mind making things up, but, to my astonishment, it came true. Somehow, I noticed it in the extreme state of fear I was in as the car flipped. Twelve years went by before it became a known clue to my purpose.

The following things are what I consider to be clues to my purpose. Childhood poverty with my family. Childhood emotional neglect and physical abuse from parents. My family never hugged each other or said I love you. Sexually abused for three years by a pedophile. A lazy eye that comes and goes. Top student with highest averages in three subjects in high school. Kentucky Governor’s Scholar. Other numerous awards. Admittance to a college that is quite competitive. Losing my mom when I was a senior in high school. Emergence of depression. Fear upon realizing I am a lesbian. Heartbreak that led to dropping out of college. Moving to current city for a new relationship. Vision that came true of a book falling in front of me as the car flipped in an accident. Getting in that car accident, which led to development of anxiety and agoraphobia. Attending college again. Losing my dad. Being rejected by someone I was in a serious relationship with because I was overweight. Dropping out of college due to the lingering effects of agoraphobia. Owing a balance to my university because I dropped out at the wrong time and financial aid was no longer valid. Realizing my dream to be an author but feeling unable to follow it due to spending my time working full time to survive. Having to deal with an apartment manager that tries to avoid doing repairs. Being rejected by someone because I don’t drive. Numerous heartbreaks. Meeting my hero. Having no chance with the one I thought was my dream girl. Being rejected by someone because of my mental health. Spraining my ankle, which gave me disability downtime off work, and led to a writing accomplishment on an online writing platform. Reading the book Poverty, by America by Matthew Desmond. Wanting to create social change in relation to poverty, inequality, and income insecurity. Being so fed up with feeling my dream to write was out of reach, which led to finally seeing a therapist. The therapist gave insight into why I had a vision that came true of the book I was reading falling in front of me before the car accident I was in, saying the object was a book because I am meant to write, and that my life was spared so I could write. Therapist suggesting the idea I return to college to create more time to write due to an increase in income afterward. Being fired because of ridiculous rate standards. Return to college at my previous school through a new program for students that owe a previous balance. 4.0 GPA my first semester back, which I had never done before in college. No true friends all my life so far due to shyness and development of distrust in people. Extreme loneliness due to this lack of friends and living away from my family, while never really being close to family in the first place.

When all these clues are put together, I finally began to realize my purpose. When I combine what I fear and what I love, I get author, activist, and professor. These work together to increase the amount of people that can be inspired by me. I can’t even begin to describe how scary it is for me to speak in front of people, but this is often needed to create social change. I am also a top performer in school when I put in the effort, which means I could teach others. Teaching can inspire others to change the world too. I want to inspire people to have more compassion, self-love, sense of community and belief in themselves. I want to stop the wealthy from oppressing those in poverty and destroying people’s dreams. I want to create more love in the world even though I am afraid I will never have it from anyone.

My photograph at the end of my life will be something like this. A professor speaking at a graduation ceremony, holding up my book that has money burning on the cover like it is a fist in the air to rile up an audience for a good cause. A sea of students standing in support and applause.