Climbing the Walls

There wasn't a moment of loss.

It was as if it had never happened, almost.

I know it did,

and I grieved over it, somewhat,

but the realness of it was that I never lost myself.

So the grief wasn't as hard as I had expected.

The day after I dropped off her things and left...

feeling a little bit heartbroken by the what could have been,

but super happy over what I had been.

Steady, Safe, Sure of myself, Love-driven, Mature,

Healthy.

The most important thing to me was just loving her,

and I did that.

Open-heartedly and never hesitated until the very end.

The scary part about relationship endings is when you lose yourself.

It's the aftermath.

The moments of true self-reflection.

It is not the relationship itself, it is who you become while tangled in this other person.

That never happened to me.

For the first time in my life, I was able to see a person for who they were, who they weren't being, the fight, all of it, but I never swayed from who I was becoming;

and when the time came I mourned our beautifully toxic journey.

The puzzle pieces that could have fit but were never allowed too.

All the ways we could have had such a care-free life except one of us cared a little too much for her own safety, and it wasn't about me.

I was the rat in the experiment, but I am okay with that.

The loneliness is what kills me.

I am a deep-dive lover.

I dive deep into who a person is.

I want to go into the abyss.

Into all of the holes in the soul that make a person who they are...

and I understand how scary that is for some, if you've never done that for yourself, which is most of the population.

And so a lot of people will say I am "too much",

they "tried",

they "are not ready",

they are "sorry"...

But the thing that I learned is:

If a person wants to, they will.

Read that again,

If a person wants to love you whole-heartedly, they will.

If a person wants it to work, they will do what is necessary to make it work.

If they want to pursue you, they will.

If they want to truly show you they care, they will.

It's as simple as showing up with no excuses, making the phone calls, planning the dinner dates, making time for you in their day, etc.

This is for all relationships, not just romantic ones.

Being a loner, I have learned to lean on myself so much, but I am in a stage in my life where I am also so aware of what I want and crave.

It is nothing but realness.

Real love, real effort, real work, real pursuit for a beautifully happy and peaceful life.

The way a dog shows love and loyalty to its owner is what I want.

There are no strings attached for a dog. They are happy to be there, to experience this life with you, they hate when you leave and you can see it in their eyes.

Nothing attached. Just love and want.

Humans always have to have something attached. Something to fear. Something to hold them back from what they truly want.

Not me.

And I have begun to wonder why.

Why that is.

Why I have learned to care more about myself and my happiness than anything else around me, which is how it should be.

But then why are others not able to do it for themselves?

My boss told me during a depression episode I was having that "I'm okay" is the easy answer, and the one I can give to everyone else, but then there is the real answer... and I felt that, and the tears started rolling.

It was the day after the split and my heart was broken but I knew it was the right thing to do, but that doesn't mean it hurt any less.

He told me he didn't want me to "become hardened"... So independent and tough that no one can penetrate my walls, I can never ask, or accept, help from others. And that hit.

Because I truly don't want that for myself either.

I want to know what it is like for someone to climb my walls of independence and self-sustainability and actually ADD something to it, not take away or try to keep up, realizing they can't, they try to destroy me to make themselves feel better.

I'm done with the fighting. The PTSD. The anxiety over love. The fears that creep in. The disrespect. The toxicity.

I am finally stepping into a new chapter in my life, and I hope you are able to do the same.