Choosing to live

At the dawning of 2021, I chose life.

It was an inadvertent New Year's Resolution in that the timing was coincidental.

I have terminal cancer. Have lived with ever increasing cancer in my body for 14 years. In June 2020, my palliative specialist told me that based on my CT scans, I had between 3-6 months to live. It is now the end of January 2021 and I am still here, still living well although my energy levels are decreasing.

Why am I still here?

I am going to share a secret with you. Something I haven't told many people before for fear of sounding woo-woo. You see, I always believed this cancer was a result of trauma, and as I healed, the cancer would leave. I never believed that I would die from this cancer. At this stage in my life, that sounds ludicrous. My body is absolutely riddled with cancer, and apparently, according to medical statistics, I should have died ten years ago. I had cause to revise this belief that I am not going to die from cancer recently, doubt crept in, and I felt the need to sit completely with my own dying and accept it. I meditated deeply into it and all I felt was deep peace, joy and love.

After sitting deeply with my dying, I felt prompted to meditate on living and I found that hard. I was in such a beautiful space of love and peace and joy, and now I had to sit with living? No thank you! I'm ready to go. Take me now. The world is getting darker, 2020 was tough on a global scale. Stop the world and let me off!

I discovered that actually I was resistant to living. I was happy to go home. I have no fear of death, and from personal experiences and comprehensive reading of the afterlife, I have the firm belief that I am a spiritual being having a human experience. My natural state is not in a human body. Let me free, I want to go home!

But I had a feeling that I could stay and help. This world is so full of violence and fear, maybe I could share what I have learned from cancer and help other people live in love and peace. And then the clincher - a week before Xmas my son and his wife tell me they are expecting a baby.

My first grandchild.

I decided I want to meet this grandchild, and so there grew within me - perhaps for the first time, a strong desire to live. For many years I feel as though I have lived with one foot in this physical world and one in the spiritual realm. I have simply allowed life to unfold without consciously exercising my will to make things happen. Historically, I have great trouble exercising my will for myself. My will was broken early on by religion. Recovery is still a work in progress.

Several months ago, I awoke in the night with the words "you are more powerful than the matrix you live in" reverberating in my mind. They left a lasting impression as they were accompanied by what felt like a shift in consciousness. These words kept coming back to me, and along with the understanding that I live in a universe that is designed to give me what I want, I made the conscious choice on December 31 2020 to choose life.

Is it possible for my body to heal? Absolutely. Will it heal? I don't know. It will depend on how true I can keep that intention to heal. How clear and focused I am on healing. All I know is this... it feels right to try.

I would love to heal, because I have a lot to live for, but also, I want people to know that we are more than just five sensory beings. We have incredible powers to create - we do it all the time, consciously or unconsciously, we are always creating. When we consciously focus intention and attention then magic happens.... I want people to know there is nothing to fear.

So I am focusing on healing, taking each day as it comes and enjoying life. Living it as fully as I can.

Life is good.

Watch this space, I will keep you updated.

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