Broken Pieces Made Beautiful.

Sitting on the edge of my bed in my dark room contemplating all that had just happened earlier in the day. "How did this happen? What just happened?" I’m thinking to myself as I began to shake and quiver.

I was born in a small town in Mississippi, where the southern hospitality was next to

stellar. You could rest assure that your parents knew everyone in the town and your grandmother along with other family members worked at the same piano plant through the week to make ends meet.

Summer of 2000, I was approaching my freshman year of high school. My mom, sister, and I had just moved into a new home outside of county limits and into the city limits. It was

such a difficult and sad transition. I was leaving behind my friends and cousins who I’d always gone to school with since elementary school. Prior to this move, I lived with my grandmother. I was raised with my cousin who’s younger than me by 39 days. She was my first best friend. I

was terrified to start this new journey.

My sister was my saving grace. We’re four years apart and we were very close growing up. When my mom would work long hours, we’d spend our time experimenting with using different baking ingredients. We would come up with the most unrecognizable and disgusting treats. We were proud of our inedible treats. We had a great time imagining that we lived in outer space. Most times we pretended that we lived in a castle to escape our harsh realities. Our harsh realities were that we were poor and unattended to most times. We didn’t have much but we made it work.

Fall of 2000, I started my freshman year of high school. I was so nervous, afraid, and excited all at the same time. My rival high school became my new high school. It

took a moment for my new classmates to warm up to me. The year started off very lonely because I didn’t know anyone. A few weeks in, a classmate that I took most of my classes with waited outside the doorway to introduce herself. "Hi, I’m Ava," she said. "I’m Dwayanna, but everyone calls me Dee "I responded. She proceeded to explain that she noticed that we took majority of our classes together. She suggested that we walk to our next class together. Ava and I walked to class all bubbly in conversation. I remember thinking to myself, "Wow, I have made my first friend at my new school." Our friendship progressed quickly. We exchanged numbers to keep in touch after school. We would talk on the phone for hours at a time and realized we had a lot of things in common. We both loved the color green and we even had the same favorite food, pizza.

Ava had a boyfriend that was four years older than her and no longer in high school. I was very fascinated by that because I was not allowed to date. My mom didn’t allow me to have a boyfriend and I couldn't even talk to boys on the phone. I was 15 and would be 16 in eight months. I did have a boyfriend; however, my mom just didn’t know.

Kwami was handsome and a gentleman. He asked to sit with me at lunch one day. All the girls liked him and I was shocked when he asked to sit with me for lunch. I wasn’t used to the 

attention he was giving me but it felt genuine. I felt like he was my equal and understood me on so many levels. We began eating lunch together every day. I was head over heels for Kwami and within a few weeks we exchanged numbers after lunch one day. I told him the times that my mom and her boyfriend wouldn’t be home, so he’d be able to call me without getting me in trouble. We talked mostly about our future and how I wanted to be a civil engineer. He wanted to study neuroscience. He shared that he was a virgin and wanted to stay one until marriage. I, too, wanted to stay a virgin until marriage. All my cousins had lost their virginity and they held some very unpleasant horror stories regarding their experiences. He made me feel so special. He would walk me to all my classes. He would always give me a forehead kiss and the kiss would leave my heart racing throughout the day.

Now four months into the school year, I began to like my new life. I didn't have a lot of time for my friend Ava. Kwami and I were spending all the time we had together with each other at school. Ava began to voice her concern and expressed to me how she and Kwami had known each other for years. They had attended every school together since elementary. She also shared that he liked her when they were younger, but as they grew up, he became very lame and not her type. She liked the rough around the edges type older guys. She seemed to be okay with me having him as boyfriend in one moment then the next moment telling me I should break it off with him because he was going to break my heart. I didn’t listen to her and I continued my relationship with Kwami. I noticed she became increasingly jealous and envious of my relationship. At first, I thought, maybe my friend Ava just missed me. Kwami and I had to spend most of our time together at school because I wasn’t allowed to date yet. She threatened to tell my mom I had a boyfriend if I didn’t hang out with her or call her more often. Kwami often said to me that Ava was a troublemaker and he honestly didn’t know how we even became friends. Ava and I were so different. I was quiet, meek, and shy and Ava was mean, loud, and rumbustious. Winter was approaching and I had five months until my 16th birthday. My mom talked to me about dating and only said not to have sex. She explained to me that she would be putting me on birth control when I turned 16. Then, I could date.

My mom is one of seven children. Her mom, my grandmother, was a single mom who worked to take care of my mom and her siblings alone. Out of my grandmother's seven children, three were teenage moms who lived at home. I was raised by my grandmother and we endured many struggles but one thing I knew was love and sacrifice. My grandmother allowed her children and grandchildren to live in her three-bedroom home with one bathroom. There were about 11 family members under one roof and my grandmother took care of all of us. My grandmother was the only one working, she worked 12-hour shifts. We had a hot meal every day and attended church three times a week. My grandmother served on the usher board and sang in the church choir. My grandmother was very strict and we didn’t watch much television. We read a lot of Bible stories and stayed ahead on our studies. Summer 2000, my mom decided to ger her own place. Everything as I knew it changed. My mom worked many hours and my sister and I were left alone quite often. That pushed me into the role of caring for my sister daily. I had to get her dressed for school, do her hair, get her on the bus, help with homework, and cook most days. We had a lot of fun together, but life was so different without being at grandma’s 

In Spring 2001, I was 15 and finally allowed to go with Ava for the first time. My mom allowed me to visit her home where I met Ava's parents, sister, and brother for the first time. Ava and I went to the skating rink that night. Ava ended up leaving with her older boyfriend,

Julius and I was left alone. I remember sitting outside waiting for her after the skating rink closed. When she came back, she bragged about how her and Julius had sex in the back of his car. I remember telling her that she shouldn’t be doing that because he was much older and she could get pregnant. She laughed at me and said, “You’d get pregnant before me because it's always the quiet and shy girls that gets pregnant first." Our friendship began to dwindle, as I began to see Ava was such a bad influence. Kwami and I were still dating and my mom was allowing me to talk on the phone with him as my 16th birthday was approaching in two months. Ava’s birthday was coming up in a few weeks and she asked me if I could go to Julius' house with her for a party he was having for her. I knew my mom would say no if I said I was going to Julius' house for a party. So, I asked my mom if I could go to Ava’s house instead for a party her parents were throwing for her birthday. Surprisingly, my mom said, "Yes." I could go to Ava’s party. I was so shocked and excited at the same time.

On April 28th, the day of Ava’s party she said that Julius would pick me up to bring me to her. I told her that wouldn’t be a good idea for Julius to pick me up because my mom didn’t know about her older boyfriend. My mom would freak out and not allow me to go if he showed up to my house. Ava agreed to come to my house and we would walk to Julius' house from my home. I got dressed and we headed out walking to Julius’s house. Ava said she wanted to have sex with Julius before the party and we needed to get there early, deeming me as the lookout person. I was uncomfortable but said sure since we were already in route to his house. We walked to his house and knocked on the door. Once inside, they proceeded to go into his room and closed the door. I then proceeded to go sit on the couch and then out of nowhere from behind a door comes Ava’s brother, who I had only seen and met once. I did not know his name or anything about him. He said to me, “I have wanted you from the time my sister showed up to our house with you a few months ago." He then said he wanted to have sex with me and I would enjoy it. I said, No! I attempted to walk to the door to leave. My heart and mind are racing at this point because no one knows I am here. He then beats me to the door and shuts it. He takes my hand and pulls me to the couch and demanded that I take down my pants so that he could pleasure me with his mouth. I told him if he did not leave me alone, I would scream for his sister to come out. He then yells to tell Julius who is in the room with his sister to turn up the music. He looked at me and said, "Now, no one will hear you." He then takes his hands and places them down my pants and tells me to shut up as I was about to scream. He pushed me on the couch and forcibly pulls down my pants and took one hand to hold my arm down and the other to use to grab himself to insert himself inside of me. What lasted a few minutes seemed like a lifetime. When he was finished, he went and cleaned himself up and left.

I was frozen for a moment and could not believe what had just happened. I was

shocked and could not move. Tears began to flow, and I had no choice but to get up and pull up my pants and sit on the couch in shock and total disbelief. Moments later Ava emerges from the room with her boyfriend to find me in tears sitting on the couch. She asked me was I okay. I said,

"Your brother made me have sex with him." She asked, "You didn’t like it?" I then told her that I needed to get home. She walked me home, which was the quietest walk ever. I had no words and could not speak at all. I went home to shower and cried and prayed because although this had happened to me, I felt like I was the one who had done something wrong. I told myself that I

would never speak to Ava again because I felt she set me up. How did her brother know I’d be there? Why didn’t I scream louder? Why has this happened to me? All the questions in the

shower with no answers. Ava began to call me non- stop and to ask if I had told anyone. I wanted to tell my mom, but I knew I’d be in trouble because I lied about going to Ava’s house.

I began to feel sick weeks later and knew it was a possibility I was pregnant. Pregnant by my rapist I thought. I felt sick all over. My mom’s plan was to always put me on birth control

when I turned 16. I remember going to the clinic a few weeks later after the incident with my mom and the Dr. telling my mom I couldn’t be put on birth control because I was pregnant. My mom was livid and did not speak to me the entire ride home. When we got home

she asked me who had gotten me pregnant. I told her I was raped by Ava’s brother, whose name I didn’t even know. She told me that because I knew who the father was, he was going to help take care of my baby. She was raped too, with my sister. I was furious, embarrassed, and confused. I must take care of a baby with the guy who violated me???!!!

At 16, I entered the most toxic and debilitating state of my life. I had my daughter in 2002 and was still a kid myself having to endure so much pain and trauma that I did not have time or the capacity to process all of what was going on. I knew I began to resent my mother in more ways than one and couldn’t wait to graduate high school. In 2004, I left home when I graduated high school with the hopes of escaping my pain. I was so protective over my daughter and didn’t trust anyone with her, not even my mom. I had spent so many years trying to protect her from my rapist and his family. In 2008, when my daughter was six, I moved to Georgia. After a while, I realized I was running from my pain and the trauma I had endured. I felt that in my soul, that I had to get my daughter as far away from the place that caused me so much pain.

I moved to Georgia to have a better life for my daughter but what I didn’t realize then that I know now is that I would have to aggressively heal. I entered into a physically abusive marriage from 2011-2016. My second child was 3 months old when his dad, my ex-husband left. I was heart-broken and relieved because our union was toxic. I was left to raise now two children on my own. In 2017, I began therapy and stumbled across a phenomenal church home. I started therapy and began my healing journey. I began to identify the things I needed to heal from which became my road map for the next several years even up until now.I managed to graduate college in 2019 and secured my dream job. In 2020, in the middle of a pandemic is where life began to shift for me. By this time, I’ve endured a failed marriage and have two children. At the time of the pandemic, I worked in pharmaceuticals as a Medical Laboratory Scientist.

I was so excited about my new career, however, the pandemic made it uncertain at times. As healthcare workers were considered essential, I had to report to work daily. My children went to live with family because school was shut down. My son had just started school as a kindergartener and my daughter was a senior in high school. I had never been alone until this time in my life, ever. In some way or another my space was always occupied. During this time, it was the 1st time I could ever hear my thoughts, my heart, my trauma, and my fears so loud and clearly.

I remember just coming home day in and day out, resting and resting and resting. By the end of April 2020, I began to feel the need to engage with a young lady on social media by the name of Tiphani Montgomery. She was leading people to Christ through her expertise in entrepreneurship. About a month in of being home with no kid responsibilities, I started to hear a voice that I only believe to be God say, "I’d like to heal you." I remember telling the voice I was okay. I said, "You have blessed me with this great job. “I’m no longer living paycheck to paycheck” and “I’m out of that abusive marriage. “He spoke back to me and said, "I have so much more for you." I remember that same night being up and the young lady that I follow on social media named Tiphani Montgomery was doing a live. She mentioned she had received an influx of women emailing her about a previous live that she did. There was a well-known politician in NY at the time that was headlining in the media for allegedly sexually assaulting women and he was resigning. Tiphani stated that she’d received many messages from women explaining that they had been sexually abused and the headlines made them relive their trauma and made them acknowledge that they too had been abused, sexually. She urged women not to be silent and to be released of the prison, the shame, and guilt they felt. I remember typing in the comments saying that I conceived a child from rape and had found out it was a generational curse. I remember her praying for me on that live and I just wept. I wept from my soul. I wept for my grandmother who had been raped and conceived a child. I wept for my aunt who was raped. I wept for my cousin who had been raped. I wept for my mom who had been raped and conceived a child, then I wept for myself.

Later in that month, Tiphani introduced to her followers something the Lord put on her heart to do. It was a practice called skin to skin. I decided to take on the practice which was devoting one hour in the morning and one hour before bed where you just laid still imagining laying on God’s chest. Sort of like skin to skin that you do with your newborn baby. At first putting this into practice was very hard. I realized a lot about myself. I was more damaged than I had let on. I kept busy to not have to deal with the pain and sorrows of my life, now I must. Life hit me hard and it hit me fast in these moments. I realized that I had internalized everything that had happened to me and believed that I deserved to be raped and that I must have done something to deserve that. I realized that I blamed myself for all the bad things that others had done to me. I realized that my children were prisoners, like me, to my pain. They were being held hostage just as I was. I was thinking I was protecting them with my co-dependency parenting by keeping them close by and away from others. God revealed to me in those moments that he wanted to heal me and use me to tell my story. During this time, I went through a process of healing and self-deliverance that led me to my wholeness and my freedom today.

To some, even to myself at times, I felt the broken pieces of my life were shattered beyond repair and even to the human eyes looked as if it couldn’t be restored. With much prayer, therapy, and wise counsel I am now healed. Every broken part of me God has pieced together and made it beautiful. I am confident in knowing that I am not what happened to me, nor will I allow my past to shape my future. God took my broken pieces and put them back together again. Now light shines through and everyone can see all the colors of the rainbow which represents His promises. I am the product of perseverance.