Breaking Cycles of Disorder

We all know by now how chaotic life can be at times. Some days everything goes our way and we are full of confidence, while other days we feel like absolute failures. As someone who has dealt with anxiety since childhood, I find that disorder on the outside often causes the same on the inside. When my house is a mess, for instance, I tend to feel overwhelmed. It isn't just these physical messes that cause such tension, though. When my life feels out of order because I've taken on too much or I'm in an environment that is overstimulating, I feel out of control and the stress levels steadily rise. I begin to look at each problem or project as something bigger than I can handle. Even worse, the growing stress causes my mood to shift and I often take it out on those closest to me without even realizing it. My five year old tells me I get "cranky," and she's right. The mess on the outside becomes one on the inside, causing a cycle of disorder, chaos, and strife. So how do I break this cycle?

The first thing I've learned to do is to make short-term goals. I break apart the normally overwhelming problem into smaller pieces and plan how to tackle them one by one. As a mom, I find my time limited. My daughter has a lot of energy and hates playing by herself. She is in a great preschool that has been taking careful precautions in this pandemic, so I have at least four hours every weekday to get something done. In order to be the most productive, I keep a planner that I can prioritize small goals with. My favorite planner right now is the Heroes Journal. I enjoy reading and writing fantasy novels and a lot of stories in that genre include heroes and quests. This journal actually requires you to choose a main quest, which is a long-term goal. For instance, my main quest in my own journal is to finish my first novel. Each page has me restate my quest, but also asks me to write three smaller goals, such as, "I will write a thousand words for chapter three today." The smaller goals can be directly linked to my main quest or may be related to something that gives me the joy or peace I need to work toward that goal, like reading that book I want to finish, indulging in some self-care, or cleaning my creative space. This makes my goals manageable and, as I reach each milestone, the feeling of achievement will bring about the motivation to keep going. It also has a section for me to write three things I am grateful for, which helps remind me of the positive things in my life. In the "allies" section, I can list people or things that are currently helping me on my journey, and in the "threats" section, I can list those that are hindering me. While this is my favorite planner, any other can easily help break down bigger goals into smaller, simpler pieces. The main idea is setting realistic expectations and not scaring yourself away from actions that will lead you to reach your long-term goals.

Another way to break the cycle of internal chaos is setting boundaries. Merriam-Webster defines a boundary as "something that indicates or fixes a limit or extent." When we don't have boundaries set in our lives, chaos can come in from any direction. We get to choose who and what is allowed access to our time and energy. Obviously, we have to work to make money to live off of and if you have children, they are going to come before most other things in your life, but we have to learn how to prioritize our time and even our relationships. I used to be a "yes" person, which led to anyone taking my time and energy. Setting appropriate boundaries requires me to say "no" to those things that take away my peace and that do not help me on the journey to reach my goals. Boundaries also keep our relationships healthy and weed out toxic people from our lives. I choose to give my energy and time to my husband, my daughter, close family and friends, hobbies, and the goals I want to achieve. Other people and things may have limited access, but I get to choose the extent of that access because it is my time and energy to be responsible for, not theirs.

Therapy has been another ally in dealing with this cycle. I've been in therapy for over a year now and I wish I had started much earlier than I did. I am a wife and stay-at-home mom, with two college degrees that I am not currently using. Along with generalized anxiety, I have constantly dealt with perfectionism and guilt. At one time, I resented my husband because I was taking on most of the parenting and household responsibilities and I felt my own dreams were dying while he still got to chase after his. What I came to realize through therapy was that my lack of communicating my own needs and how I felt were the real problem. Once I began to assertively communicate what I needed and began sharing those responsibilities, the resentment died and our relationship began to grow again. I gained the partner that I needed and now have room to work toward the dreams I had been putting aside. My therapist also helps me to set those short-term goals I wrote about earlier. She has helped me to take steps every day to help me move forward and love myself even when I fall short. Self-love and self-care have always been foreign concepts to me, but with therapy I am beginning to celebrate myself for small achievements instead of punishing myself for what didn't get done.

Stress and anxiety are normal parts of life, but they should not be what defines us. We must be able to respond to the disorder of the world without being controlled by it. Setting short-term goals, planning with reasonable expectations, setting appropriate boundaries, and healing and growing through therapy have allowed me to do this. Life is amazing, but it is also difficult, especially during a pandemic. We must remember that we are the ones who are responsible for our own order and peace. When we do, we can identify what is causing the messes in our lives and find solutions to clean them up.