Being True to Ourselves and Forgetting What Other People Think

The day I realized I was trapped inside my life was a normal day. I got up, got dressed, drove to work, and applied makeup to the cast and actors. It was a groundhog day full of my usual process as a makeup artist.

I sat in my chair set and watched as the director directed and the photographers filmed the scenes on tape.

The vibration from my phone caught my eye. I picked it up and whispered, “Hello.”

Someone on the other side asked me why I was whispering. I told them, "I'm set and I have to be quiet."

They ask, "So, can't you speak out loud at your work?" I'm worried about this question because, of course, I can speak loudly in my work but not while the tape is going on.

This question stayed in my mind well after I hung up. So you can't speak out loud? The more I thought about it, the more I realized that it was true. I realized that I did not feel comfortable talking out loud - I just did not feel comfortable being myself.

I couldn’t speak loudly during the take but I, frankly, couldn’t speak in the makeup room. In my mind, it was a common story of your voice that I don’t count so shut your mouth. Actors and actors are on the floor, and who really wants to listen to a makeup artist?

It takes a special kind of character / person to be interested in the lives of the people they serve. I could clearly see that I was not living my life for myself and that I was narrowing down the space around me to let others shine.

I was living in a matrix and I needed to take a new pill to continue my life.

I began to understand why depression had hit me that year and, at the same time, I knew that I needed to make some adjustments. Suddenly, fear hit my head and my heart; however, I could not let it stop me from progressing.

I knew I wanted to write but I am a makeup artist and not a writer. Who can read a novel written by a makeup artist? I also knew that if I did not write, I would die. Therefore, I made the decision to apply to UCLA as a transfer student.

I had gone to college twenty years before going to beauty school and since I knew I wanted to do English, I thought I would offer another college, but when UCLA accepted me, the fear knocked even more.

How is it possible for a 41-year-old makeup artist, wife, and mother of two to return to college and graduate from English?

I had to go a new way and live my life and not someone else's. I had to be free to be myself.

My life began to change when we read Ralph Waldo Emerson's story Pray Without Ceasing. That's when I started to feel the idea that we pray without ceasing because our thoughts are our prayers and our prayers are answered and manifested to the person we become.

I began to spend time talking to the professor in his office to understand these concepts.

A new world opened up for me, as I realized that I had played a major role in my reality and that my thoughts were my strength.

I began to reconcile the old thoughts I had with my previous circumstances. It shook my mind.

I realized that my thoughts were keeping me in a state of depression, as I was focusing on my past and all the bad things that had happened in my life. These thoughts also put me in the future as I think about a better life. I can't stay right now.

I also began to realize that I chose to please everyone around me. I thought it was ethical to care for others while ignoring the desires of my heart. Before joining UCLA, my heart ached.

I actually had a pain in my chest that woke me up in the middle of the night. I had EKG and while everything looked good, I didn’t know anything about me had to change.

After learning a new way of thinking, I realized that I could change my life, and I did.

I began to refresh my mind with new ideas. When a negative thought came to my mind, I would look at it and replace it with something that encouraged me and allowed me to. At first, I felt like fooling myself.

Although it was difficult to obtain my English degree at one of the highest English departments in the country, I graduated and walked the stage a month embarrassed on my 43rd birthday. Since then, I have completed my first novel, which I started in 2004 before joining UCLA.

After graduation I continued to study and practice giving my mind strength through upbuilding messages. I read the books of Louise Hay, Florence Schovel Shinn and Eckhart Tolle. I started folding my arms and kissing.

Each day I let go of my old idea and allow new ideas to form a motivating foundation within me. This saved my life by giving me the freedom to be present and to appear at every moment. I now know that when I live in the present and live in the present, I breathe easily and feel comfortable.

I am as free to be as you are. It does not matter what others think or feel about us as long as we are true to our word.