Basically 2024 sucked.

2024 lived in the shadow of 2023.

2023 was all about exploring new places, falling in love, traveling, and feeling that exciting anticipation. Would she actually show up at the airport after my grueling 22-hour flight? This was someone I had only met through an online game! What would I do if she didn’t show? I’d be in a foreign country all by myself. But then, as my attendant and I turned the corner, there she was, right outside Burger King in the outer terminal by the parking garage. My heart was racing; I recognized that smile from our video chats, and I was completely at a loss for words. I ran my fingers through my hair, which had grown longer than it had in years. It felt like my attendant was pushing my wheelchair 1” per minute, like time had slowed down. I finally stood up, stepping away from the wheelchair, frozen for a moment. She pulled me in for a hug, and I could smell her scent—something I had never experienced before. I know it sounds odd, but it was special. She kissed me on both cheeks, a sweet gesture that seemed to be customary there. I spent a month with her, and leaving was tough. I loved it there, and her family and the kids loved me too. As the months went by, we kept chatting, but things started to shift. She seemed less patient with my emotional or romantic moments, and my anxiety sometimes got the best of me. She had invited me back to Istanbul for April 2024, which I was excited about, but she wouldn’t talk about the trip until it got closer. I started to worry that she might not want me to come anymore. As 2024 rolled in, our conversations dwindled. She insisted everything was fine, but my anxiety was skyrocketing.

I got used to her being a bit distant. 2024 was shaping up to be pretty stressful, and I felt like my life was just on pause, waiting for her to say I could come visit. Eventually, she gave me the green light, so I booked my flight and arranged for handicap assistance. But even after I had my ticket, she still seemed pretty indifferent about my visit. I was going a little crazy thinking about how soon I’d be back at the Little Cafe, sipping Cay with her and the kids, treating them to ice cream, and catching up with my favorite waiter, who was always so friendly! Sadly, all she seemed to care about was the flight details. I knew she’d be there, but I wasn’t sure if she really wanted to be there.

The trip felt long, even though it was quicker than my 2023 journey. We made it to Istanbul in about 19 hours. She and her son picked me up at the airport, and I was so happy to see him with her. She actually looked glad to see me, which made me push aside any past worries, realizing she was just dealing with her own stuff. I didn’t know how significant that moment would turn out to be. I promised myself this would be my last trip to Istanbul, so I decided to relax and enjoy it. But it turned out to be tax season there, so she had to work every day I was visiting, except for her usual Sunday off. I spent most of my time at her place, just waiting for her to come home. We went out a few times, but it wasn’t nearly as eventful as my first visit. Those two weeks flew by, and even though her parents wanted me to stay longer, she wouldn’t let me. It was really tough to say goodbye. I found myself crying on her shoulder, holding her close. Deep down, I felt like this was the end. I realized we were drifting apart, and it had been happening for a while. So, 2024 became the year I had to start letting go of the woman I love more than anything. In the months that followed, a big gap formed between us. Our conversations dwindled to just quick hellos and goodbyes. Eventually, I confronted her, and she said some things that caught me off guard. She told me that constantly discussing our feelings felt dull and that our chats had become boring for her. She even mentioned that she doesn’t talk to any of her friends every day. But we used to chat daily and share our feelings all the time.

This year has thrown a few curve balls my way, making me realize I can’t depend on anyone else. I used to rely on my roommates, but that’s not the case anymore. As for Nilufer, she barely reaches out now. I still send her money occasionally for the kids and on her birthday, but I’ve stopped expecting anything in return. I’m gradually focusing on being self-reliant. If there’s one thing 2024 has taught me, it’s that I can’t wait for someone else to love me; I need to love myself first.