Are you ok HON?

Its 6am, and the loud deadening sound of my alarm is shrill in my ears. Very annoying!! sounds like a cross between a dalek and cheap ring tone. I am fully aware that I should get up. However, my warm bed has other ideas, first a mere whisper. Don’t get up, its nicer in here, you won’t like it out there. Then louder. My bed is now saying, if you think you are leaving you are very much mistaken. I contemplate just getting up right in the moment. I feel rubbish if I stay, and rubbish if I get up. I hit snooze for the sixth time. I don’t feel much like getting up or leaving the house today. I don’t want to get in the shower, I don’t want to go to work/school, etc., etc.

Its 6am, and my alarm is singing out a melodic tune, I jump out of bed and practically skip as I take my first step of the day. I am excited about the potential stuff that could happen on this new day. Yesterday was not the most wonderful day, not what you might call the epitome of fantasticness. However, that was yesterday. I know today is another day and to be honest who cares, whatever happens I can handle it. I also know that everything is always working out for me no matter what. Come on life, bring it on.

Two stories told from two very different perspectives, illustrating clearly, that how we feel has a huge impact on how we experience our lives. Do you relate to story one? Or perhaps two. I will level with you mine can sometimes flit from one to the other, but which one feels better?

At this stage I feel compelled to mention I am healer, tarot reader and writer. I write about mindfulness, positive change and if I am honest, I write about Life.

The good, the bad and the ugly. I love to pick a topic that either inspires me or has been something I have learned about myself along the way. My aim is to help others to break patterns and ultimately extend their consciousness. If we can identify our thoughts, feelings and contributing factors I think we may have a good starting point.

So here goes, Are you ok hon? What would be your answer today for instance? Would you be able to articulate exactly how you are? How often do you ask yourself this? for most of us probably not that often. Instead, how we really feel will likely just turn into a bad mood or irritation. I honestly believe the more we can check in with ourselves the better we can understand who we are. I believe that how we feel in the now, is very much dependent on where we have been. The prelude before we arrived in grand central Nowsville. We are all subject to the journey however cliché that might sound. Everything we say, or do, whether we realize it or not, is a product of where we have been to some degree.

‘I grew up in a family that didn’t deal with feelings too well’

My Mother often reflects on my childhood and that of my brothers, and she will make statements like, I think I could have done things better. I would probably have done things differently if I had the time over. The truth is I believe she would be better now in hindsight but that doesn’t mean she failed. The fact is she had a blueprint that she followed or at least tried to. A mixture of ingredients you might say, gained from her own experiences. The facts are, she did what she did, the way she did, based on who she was, and this was based on the information she had at that time. In short, she did what she knew. She was strict, wasn’t comfortable expressing outward emotion, wasn’t the most financially stable and struggled with intimacy. Did she love my siblings and me? Yes. Did she raise me to care about other people? Yes. Did she always try her best? Yes. Were my brother’s and I safe, clothed, fed and sleeping in a cozy bed at night? Yes, yes, yes and hell to the yes.

The people that bring us up whether it be biological or not, do what they can based on what they know. The point I am making without this turning completely biographical is this; people can only love the way they have learned to love. Furthermore, we all learn how to love by the way we are shown, and it is these factors that go some way to shaping our perspective or emotional standpoint. If you were not hugged, kissed, or told that you were or are loved, chances are you will struggle in areas such as self-esteem and communicating love generally.

I will never forget the time I was invited to a family party at a friend’s house. I must have been about 12 or 13 years old. I remember feeling a bit shocked at how my pal and her family members kissed and hugged each other on their arrival, and then when they were leaving. My family did not show affection in this way and so when I was kissed goodbye it was a truly new experience. One which felt a bit alien to me at first. I can remember feeling particularly awkward, and very stiff. It was heartwarming but way out of my comfort zone. Fast forward to today, and now in my forties I am very much a hugger, but this is something I have had to work hard at. Checking how I feel about the things in my life and having a good sense of self has been extremely valuable for my mental health.

How do you deal with the feelings when they come?

We will all answer this differently based on the previous dialogue, but we will also change from day to day. Having the ability to steer the ship through the rugged terrain is not always an easy task, is it? Or do we sometimes choose the high seas at times because the drama is so deliciously addictive. Addictions never end well, so perhaps if we try to be actively more mindful, we can captain our ship more effectively.

After a lot of years messing stuff up, technical term there. I have found my own way of recognizing where my heart and head are at, listening to myself and really working through how I feel. In doing so, I can break things down, and work out, what I can do next. Yes, you heard right, what can I do to help myself.

What is the value of telling yourself a different story?

Over the years I have learned I can tell a different story, play a new song, or even put on a new dress, the metaphors go on, but you get where I am going with this. Underlying beliefs and issues don’t just go away. It is our choice though, we can keep replaying the same old toot, or we can introduce new dialogue. I tell myself that I can find new ways of doing things, I can be ok whatever happens, I can handle it and I will work it out. It has been the single most rewarding and life changing thing I have been able to do. It means I can empower myself to change anything that doesn’t feel good. Before the good lines are available though we need to be able to identify our story, and most importantly how we are feeling about it.

So let’s rewind, before the empowerment stage (which by the way is a great stage) and take time to understand how important the listening to yourself part really is. If you start by doing that stage alone, you will already be more self-aware and able to be honest with yourself. If you practice any of this already, well done, gold star for you. However, most of us bury the feeling, then hide behind what I call the blah, blah, blahing. I am just tired, or it’s the weather, I am fine really. These are not healthy ways to deal with your thoughts. Sometimes we just need to tweak the way we do things, try something new, give it a chance. It’s more of a navigational tool for the mind, a bit like a Satnav.

I certainly do not pertain to dish out advice and have the answers to the meaning of life, but I have had times in my own life where a little illumination has helped me hugely. So, here’s the basic checklist I follow if I know things are not ok.

1. Am I ok today? Answer

2. What does ok mean for me?

3. If I am not, can I explain how I do feel clearly.

Example: Upset, Low energy, low vibration, disappointed. No Try not to blah, blah, blahing at this stage!!

4. What might some external factors be? Are they the reason or the symptom? You are upset with a partner, family member, work is making you unhappy, things that sit in the background and then affect our day-to-day sense of self. Identify them or rule them out.

5. What can be done to start to alleviate? Short-term or long-term. Sometimes just thinking about the facts and being honest about them can start to help. What can I do to change how I feel?

6. Write down some statements about yourself that you know to be true in regards to the feeling.

Example: I am anxious and worried about going on dates.

Facts: Just being myself is enough, You can do this, I have a lot going for me already, whether I date or not.

Example: I don’t feel confident at work, I don’t feel I am doing well.

Facts: I can identify the things I am worried about. I can improve just by trying to be better, I can ask for help. I can only try my best.

WHOOP WHOOP If the answer to question 1 is yes, you are more than ok, you are great! This is a wonderful place to be. I have far more of these days than not and I wish the same for you all too.

Pay attention to the words that come up in the first 3 questions especially. This stage can be difficult at first. Most people are not accustomed to considering their own wellbeing. You might also surprise yourself at what you identify is really going on. Something you really hadn’t thought was bothering you, is now becoming a problem.

Insecurities or vulnerability often cause us to blame, dislike, or become defensive. A little bit of self-knowledge can go a long way. It’s important to understand that no one or thing can force us to feel something without our permission. If we are upset or annoyed, we have conceded internally that we cannot cope or deal with the idea presented. We are not victims so the more we can examine this statement the better. Victim mode is a huge pet hate for me, as much in myself as in others I might add. It sneaks up on us all at times. Our life and how we feel about it, is our responsibility alone. It is essential that to do that well, we must find balance.

I recently started my own business, and I am loving what I do, however sometimes I have waves of feeling that I am not doing enough or doing the right things. This escalated into a feeling of failure recently (huge leap there). Fortunately, I caught myself doing this.

I started my own process and wrote down how I felt, assessing as discussed, the other factors in my life. It was clear to me that my old friend, self-sabotage was in town seeking to cause havoc. After looking at a lot of shocking statements on the paper, I realized I had let things build up. I began to first write down some statements that I knew were true. I hadn’t said to myself in a while such as You are brave, you are strong, you have accomplished a great deal to even be where you currently are. You are already a success, you are succeeding each day, everything is working out for you. Your uniqueness is your strength. This really helps me.

I decided to make one plan that day and let the other realisations keep. You cannot tackle everything, nor should you try. I completed one task that I had been putting off for weeks that very day. I then planned out a couple important projects that I needed to achieve. I didn’t do that much in the scheme of things, but I felt an immense pressure lift. It’s surprising the sense of instant relief you can feel by just taking one small positive step towards feeling better.

These ideas and concepts are present in all our lives and will continue to be so. There is no easy route, but we can start by bigging ourselves up more, understanding and talking nicer to ourselves. We can ask ourselves and our children, more questions about our state of mind and our feelings. Its ok to feel crap in the moment, but we must be careful not to stay there too long.

So be brave and own being you, in all your glory.