Absurdity and Guilt

Anyone else tired of feeling guilty all the time? Tired of constantly evaluating and reevaluating certain moments of your day so as to acknowledge and repent for any potential uncouth behavior? Does anyone know what I mean? No one? I know some of y’all know; can we talk about it?

I feel like I always find myself shaking my head at something I did or said or something that I thought maybe could have been taken the wrong way by another person. Always reliving that painful situation that occurred, or that thing I did wrong the other day, or that weird conversation I had with my coworker 4 nights ago. I would think over these situations and find myself terribly embarrassed or frustrated with how I handled a situation. I would use this to question myself and flagellate myself so that I would remember not to do it again.

I would find myself talking down to myself, sometimes even just a little, but I would be sure to go over what this thing meant. Asking “how could I still be doing this? How long have I been a person? 29 years. How could I possibly keep allowing myself to do these embarrassing things?” I’m sure I am not alone with these little neurotic tendencies; however, with that being said, you know what I have thought about also? The fact that I actually don’t have to stress over these perceived miscalculations! That there is a real possibility that those things I am shaming myself over may not actually matter!

Truly, we have a choice guys. I think that it is often forgotten that we indeed don’t have to live upon an unspoken social diet of perfection and political correctness. Perhaps we forget that there is a choice other than judging our life in contrast to an idea of what “should be”. Perhaps you are familiar with the idea of “the shoulds”. “I should do this”, “I should be that”, “I should've done it this way”. We could spend eternity detailing every potential misnomer or accidental occurs in our day to day life, or we can actively choose to choose! Choose to let it slide. Choose to confront that weird situation with vulnerability and authenticity. Choose to forgive ourself and love ourself regardless of how we may or may not hold up to our own standards.

People often fear confrontation. It is natural for most. This fear often leads a habit of avoidance which is often followed by resentment. I find myself asking my clients: “What is worst case scenario?’ “What if that thing really did go wrong?” “What does that look like?” “What would that mean?” This mindset is often intimately tied with our sense of self and a protection of our ego. If things go wrong, then we are left to fend off the potential that we are indeed “bad”. And if we are bad, then are we worth the love and affection of others? What could be worse for a human than to be starved of love AND still socially awkward?

This may sound like a silly calculation, but I would go so far as to bet that everyone of us has struggled with this at one point or another. If you haven’t, call me and I will listen to you talk about yourself because you are the exception to the human rule. Humans need to feel a part of something bigger or as if their life has direction. Some people can get stuck in this necessity of fulfillment and we can zoom so far into the details that we don’t let ourselves merely be human.

This can seem like a cliché notion and perhaps in some ways it is. It is also an important thing to remember when we find ourselves drowning in the minute details of everyday life, that we ask ourselves if it matters. Does it really matter in the long run if we impressed every person we meet? Does it matter if we sometimes forget the same little thing almost every day? Does it matter if we were misunderstood today when we were making a joke and no one laughed? Sometimes yes and sometimes no, but that’s the point. Perhaps it is time that we choose to find silliness in these weird occurrences or mistakes.

The idea of Absurdist philosophy produces the point that all of life is indeed absurd! We are a neurotic species living every day on a floating rock in something we don’t understand and we are taking ourselves incredibly seriously! Does it serve us to take ourselves so seriously? Once again, I would level this down to our “choice to choose”. If there is anything you take from my rant please let it be that we don’t have to take ourselves so seriously and that there is even a choice to fall in love with these perceived mistakes in ourselves. We are in fact a silly species and can love the absurdity if we do so choose!