A Year Of Lessons

2024 was probably one of the worst years of my life. I know it's cliche to say whenever things happened that weren't ideal or didn't go as expected, but it really was horrible. Did it have a silver lining towards the end? Absolutely. Month by month, however, I was holding on for dear life and every hour being alive was enough. It had to be. I wrote down month to month feelings in a journal as things were happening and I felt comfortable enough to share some of those things. Here we go:

January

A family member had passed away 7 days into the new year. Seeing my whole family fall apart afterwards was difficult...but I had to hold it together because my job required me to. I wasn't allowed time to just be and to grieve, otherwise I would've been fired. My heart was being ripped from my chest, stabbed, and put back in, but I was expected to be okay. Right. I'm not human. I forgot.

February

Balancing my school life, personal life, and mental health is impossible and I am declining very quickly. I am too thin for my clothes and I am hollow. My hair started falling out a lot more and I started having bald patches too. I am giving up. Holding onto the only hope I had was applying to new jobs that would save me. Please save me. Please..please get me out of here.

March

Had interviews, auditions, and applications lined up trying to pull myself out of the hole I was in. I was on my own and only I could fix me. I had to be okay. Otherwise, they would all win and I refused to let them see me fail...but the threats got worse and my fear only grew. I couldn't leave a building alone anymore, couldn't walk anywhere outside alone, and I was terrified to be in my room. No one deserves to live like that, but apparently that's what they wanted for me. Not human...right...

April

Lots of disappointments and hope had been taken from me. I am running on empty and filling in the voids with the vices. Not the best idea, but what more could one do? I can numb the pain. Let it suffocate...let me be okay. Please...

May

End of an era...and it was painful. I wanted to scream. I wanted revenge. I wanted them all to suffer for what they did to me. They fucking deserve the world to know how horrible they are. I wanted to ruin their lives the way they have ruined mine. But mostly, I wanted peace from my own mind. It became a war zone that I was losing. I choose peace. Please.

June

I feel so stagnant and useless. Apply, wait, reject. Over and over hoping the cycle would break...and then...

July

It did. I was offered a job out of state by three different places and now I got to choose where my story could start over. I chose where I wanted to start over and started the job at the end of the month. I felt a breath release that I didn't know I was holding in.

August

Is this what it feels like to be at peace? Is this what it is to be happy? I feel empty and it's not in a bad way for once. Is that okay? There is so much that I'm so afraid to mess up and everyone is starting to find out what happened to me to cause me to be this way. They're so kind! This is all I've wanted!

September

I'm 23 and things are slowly getting better. I still have moments where the memories flood in and I am paralyzed. The tears will flow and I sometimes I am screaming from fear of being back there and that this is all just a dream. I am so glad it's not! I'm safe! I'm happy! But still healing.

October

They're learning more about me and it's not scary. They don't make me feel less than human. I was a shell of a person before. How did it get so bad...? I was manipulated and used as a weapon for other peoples' gain. Never again. I am putting space between me and those that have not served me. I deserved better then and I am getting that right now. Nothing will change that.

November

Have you ever left a place for a long period of time and come back and feel like you're in a museum of a previous version of yourself? Just me? Got it. I visited back home for a while and it wasn't home anymore. I always felt like a piece of myself was never complete back home and now moving away...I found it. I am very happy and for once, I'm not scared to lose the happiness. I feel whole in a way I've never felt before. Peace

And December

The holidays are here and it's crazy to think that I didn't know if I was going to make it to the end of the year. I look back at every entry and it's heartbreaking to see how far gone I was, but inspiring to see how far I've come. I learned to find my own strength because I am all I have. I don't have to be sorry for leaving the noise and finding the quiet more appealing. Despite how broken I became, I fought without letting up. I couldn't give up because there was a younger me that would be cheering me on consistently to keep on going. I know that she would be so very proud of me and that fueled me even more.

The biggest lesson I learned this year was to put myself first regardless of how many people may not support that. I put everyone else first the first half of 2024 and I destroyed myself. Now, I choose me and those that agree with me on that choice. 2025, I hope you do teach me new skills, show me who's worth my time, and continue to help me heal from the second half of 2023 and the first half of 2024.

In a weird way, 2024 helped shaped who I am today and where I see myself career wise. While it was painful, it showed me how strong I am and I am glad to have fought as hard as I did and chose my peace. I hope that someday when I do officially tell my full story that I can help someone else find their own strength they didn't know they had. If it lives in me, it lives in you and you deserve to be your own hero! <3