A World Unknown

As I look back at my life, it really seems as though it has started and restarted multiple times. My most recent life began 14 years ago; age- 18, height- tall enough to be considered such, weight- 130lbs. Mental state- “Know it All, hands down, I’m never wrong”. 🥸🤔🤷🏻‍♀️ Would you expect anything less from a South Bay chick, with no culture, no connection to her roots, nor to Source AND 18?! I digress, onto my story. My intention here is to supply this for who ever needs to read it. Life is brutal, blunt, sarcastic as fuck, hilarious, and don’t give a F*ck about how you feel. Someone is bound to relate to this here said vulnerable mini memoir.

*clears throat* (note: Skinny is a term I use to use at young ages, until I grasped who I really was, switched up the dialog and awareness surrounding the power of words)

There I am, Skinny, cute, and gliding along with my aunt through the doors of a store I would only set foot in with her. Sams Club- I don’t know I guess my mom was more Costco and employee empathetic. Did not matter to me, so long as my hair was straight, blond, and my jeans Holister. Wow, realizing my naive, stuck up as hell, conceited mind. But also, seeing that girl in my minds eye- she’s really insecure, misses her mother whom she doesn’t have a good relationship with, has wonder in her eyes, and really just trying to figure it out.

I look up, of corse divinely placed, my eyes meet his. My eyes speak, they always speak. If your dialed into my frequency, they are always heard. Always, my spell is ever powerful, and reliable. Spell? I had no idea what I was doing. My eyes always seduced the boys, quickly, they never knew when from a to b.

He smiled. “Such a cute, cute, CUTE, innocent smile he has.” I think to myself as I glide past, far enough away he can not see my hidden shyness. “Hey, he goes to my school! He is on the football team. Where else have I seen him? I think I danced with him at So n So’s birthday party this past weekend!” Holy shit, I thought turning my head now, smoov as F*uck (yes, with a V), to face forward. “Crap, good thing I look cute now, and at that party.” I chuckled. (Self centered at its finest! What?my sun is in libra in the First house, with my south node in Leo- in the 11th! I’m a professionNAL, egotistical, center of the group, bonafide Leo at this age.)

“He likes me.” Nose up, intentional, premeditated flirting still in action. Oh ya, I continue walking by acting as though I gave less that a sh*t about who now? What?

The rest of my time in “the Club” is a blur. I could care less about being in the moment the rest of the time. I wanted to get home to check my MySpace. Hello, friends are life at this age.

Low, and behold. There is a message in my inbox, and I’m shocked as hell. This fool is fast- what the heck. Blushing in my own privacy, no one around, “girl get it together!” *smack* I message him back, of corse. Cute, excited, flirty, but not too flirty to give him an inclination I’m attracted. No, 5” where is the fun in too easy? Big boy is young, buoyancy in the knees still- he can work for it.

We start hanging out the next day. My best friend at the time knows him and HIS best friend. Of corse 🤷🏻‍♀️. And what do kids at this age do? Hardly not smoke week, drink, have horrible sex, drive around, talk shit and run a muck. Fully knowing they know [EVERYTHING] nothing. I hope you follow my sarcasm here.

Nonetheless, fun and not future oriented one tiny bit. His name, shall I give it? Gahd, my story becomes our story, which yet again becomes my story. His name is Boyfriend. October 4th, 2008 this romantic is living in a fantasy with pink hearts. Passionately kisses me goodbye whispers, “I love you.”

😯. I almost scoff in his face with a quarter laugh attached. “He... Loves me? What the... how does he know that? Does he know I’m crazy?” My dialog at the time because I’m emotionally unstable. My mom and I don’t get along, I was doing drugs, I do what I want including walk on top of you being in my way. “Why does he love me?” I think, while wrapping my hands around his big head saying, “I love you too”. Lashes fully activated.

This man, 19 in his mind set for life, becomes the father of my child only 2 weeks in. Hey, life is short... right? I knew what I was doing here, didn’t I? Hello? Exactly. I’m super insecure at this time, scabs on my face from drug picking my pimples and moles. Enialating and then some, to to to skinny and malnutrition fully cultivated. Depressed, chaotic, and toxic. Get me while their hott! And he did. He loved me so much. And I’m not use to it. I have been able to run my own show since I was 3. My mother allowed my freedom to experience life. Which also ment the house was quiet, just her and my bro. He’s a sweety pie, and that’s pussy shit to me. (At the time, at the time- relax. I am a huge cryer, feeler, and encourage crying with my children. Shh sit!)

*fist to mouth, eyes closed.”

“🎶 Daddy wasn’t there...” and then he was. Then he wasn’t. Then he was. Then he wasnt. Was. Wasn’t. Was. 🥴 Now I’m really trying to please him, thinking I’m the reason he leaves. “Daddy’s Gitl” is what the picture on our fridge says. And we had a song we sang together, he is a good man. Not a family man, no, but a good man. Sweet and gentle, that Taurus.

Anyway, mommy dear always seemed upset. Of corse I’m thinking it’s me here too. Really, we all lack a good cry, a good old fashioned sweetly had TALK with each other, and our inner child. I miss understood my mom for a long time. Illusioned by my ego, sense of entitlement, conceited way of life. I took advantage of her, expected her to be there as if I made it enjoyable, smacking her in the face sometimes with nasty, spoiled words.

My mom. Her life has been good... good and hard... but so good. She worked hard for it too. My dad left for real eventually which caused us to move into Gramas house! (his mom, weird right?) Anyway, said mother has got a lot of cents to throw 🥴 that women, but I love her nonetheless. So much. I’m happy I have her, what little relationship we do have, it’s the biggest yet.

Well back to Boyfriend/Baby Daddy. My mother kicks me out when I tell her I’m pregnant. Swell, totally had a plan B. 😐🤔 I walk down the street to my uncles house. He passed away November 2nd, 2017. 🤠 I love him so much.

Walking up to the door, I push it. Not shy at all, “Well, I told her!”

“What’d she say? Was fine right?”

“She kicked me out, just like I said... Uncle.”

☠️🤦🏻‍♂️“Damn it, your mom. Okay well it’s Judy temporary. She’s just scared. Stay here, in the room with the girls”

💆🏻‍♀️“Okay, thank you Uncle.” I am pretty sure Boyfriend is going to do something about it, we will probably get a place. My thoughts never having a talk with him regarding said plan of any sort.

I stay in this home, my uncle is such a good man, in this room. 4 girls in there plus me- and their mom. My aunt is funny, and loud as hell. Same aunt from the beginning- my second parents. Damn it I want out! And just in time, Boyfriend pulls threw, as expected (and hoped) he would. He, a fully manifested pure Leo sun Cancer moon Libra ascendent, completes me 😍🤷🏻‍♀️.

I’m spoiled in this relationship. Fine dining, a family that eats at the table, jewerly flying at me left and right, Louis Vitton, Duney Burk, Tiffany, Burberry, you name it. Nails, eyebrows, fake lashes, expensive make up sounds like mo fu*kin Christmas! Where’s my snow?! Que the bells! I had days at the spa with Boyfriends’ 2 sisters, and mother. Shopping spree’s with them, even (my choice guys) learned how to cook to please my, oh ya at some point we married, HUSBAND! “Look at that diamond!” “Wow, he must REALLY love you!”

Si, con todo ello corazon. ALL OF IT. He is a by the book FAMILY MAN. Like if complete- for him. I’m running into some trouble, thank God in a marriage i was completly ungrateful for at the time. Still, i had space, and funds, to do whatever i had to do to figure myself out. Husband supported anything I did to cater to my health. He knew, very well, he was the only one who knew the torment I was experiencing, and expressing, oh so very chaotically, in our home. It scared him. I changed so fast. I also worked so hard to “do my job”. I am 21, a mother, I work 40 hours a week being a supervisor at a very busy retail eyeglass store, my mother is disappointed every time she breaks her neck on something new in my life, Husband likes dinner when he gets home, home made, gotta keep that smile on! Other wise people think shit is hitting the fan, you know? Like when the spokes of an umbrella flip on a super windy, rainy, stormy, thunder stricken, earthquake, tsunami kinda day. Ya know?

Husband was so supportive, the whole entire time. He had no idea what the heck he was doing, but his ass did it. What did i experience you ask? I have my first child, its 2012, I am painfully depressed, I make myself sick, I have a horrible inner dialog to myself let alone what I thought of myself. “I want to die, what would it be like if I... Marisa! This is not you. Never have you had thoughts like this, you love life, your joyful, excited and beautiful! Quit your crying! Figure it out!”

Western medicine, i start with you. Your all i know at this time. ”Hello Dr. T.” “Well, Marisa...... (long ass pause, like foo my heart is week!) it looks like its possible, but i don’t think so, just want to rule out any possibility of having multiple sclerosis.” “Dr. T. I am 22. I came in for a tremor in my pinky and ring finger. (I by now have turned myself into a hypochondriac, of corse) And i feel like i am yawning too much. I read on the web, possible heart issue?”

Listen to me. *Sigh* Dont ever give up on yourself. I move from here, to a psychiatrist who gave me some pills for anxiety and depression. “Ugh, i am shaking! Why am i shaking! I can’t sleep! I am not even getting horny, Oh Hell Nah!”

Chucked those silent killers.

Ahh, alternative medicine. I meet you finally through my astrology, stone, frequency rabbit hole Ive been in now for 4 years. Oh, see I’m a new writer- forgive my sentence structure. By this time i am 25, in community college, 2nd child done shifted my whole perspective on life up like nothing. I am doing better, I see colors, found hobby’s, learned a thing or two about the mind and its power. On my way to finding out and creating a relationship with God.

I change up my diet, high vibrational foods, raw, alkeline, nutritional, wholesome food. I changed the music around the house and in the car. Solfeggio Frequencies are apart of my healing, as well as Mantras! “I am worthy.” “I am capable of my challenges and meet them with my head high. It is okay whatever the challenge yields, i am strong.” “I live in abundance, and i am able to give back in miraculous ways.”

I found Love for Myself! Self Care, bathes, rituals, The Moon! Meditation, spiritual living. I reprogrammed myself to believe that i am capable, strong, beautiful, worthy, and A Woman! (To be a Woman is an honor for me.) I rehabilitated the cells, the very DNA that makes up me, and changed their frequency to healing, not surviving! I let go of many, many, emotions that no longer served me. I met God. And Godesses! The Divine Femin Shakti, the Hindu Godess of Creation. Kali, one of Shakti’s paths on earth, her devoted mother energy, protective and destructive. If you need that energy in your life, I have seen it utilized progressively and logically.

I learned to have no fear, to have FAITH! I found The Kybolion, and Thoth. Inevitably, I stumbled upon Hermetics. More fluent in astrology, it really is one of my passions, and helped a lot to know what i had studied in astrology since it intermingles with Hermetic Philosophy. The Seven Universal Principals, i studied rigorously. I still Study. They fit so well in my perception and reality as i know it to be now.

I currently study and am a magical practicioner of Hermetic Qabalah. Very much a beginner, still a young student with plenty still to go. I have found myself through all of this experience I had DIENG to be REBORN.

We get no heads up. No manual. Sometimes expect guidance to look like this, but ends up being that. We feel so much also. When I learned that our souls choose its life, its parents, and knows all of the potental choices the brain will make in the life of its human- it all made sense. I am now met with feeling, knowing my soul, and seeing it separate from my vessel, as well as from my mind. My brain is the tool i use to navigate my vessel, come up with idea’s, and is a portal for the divine and intuitive knowledge. My mind though, the beautiful thing, IS ALL. The mind creates the reality we reep with our eyes. Our experiences then shift and shove it to be what we believe in our minds. Conditioning via parents comes into play here. and this has formed our view on life. Whatever we are met with in a moment.

I love life. My journey yields great wisdom, knowledge, understanding, and i will continue to ask it to yield such blessings. i live in abundance and i am able to have space for anyone, anything, and then some. I am able to give back in miraculous ways, all thanks to The All.

Never give up on yourselves. Heed to those challenges, you are literally strong enough to go through it no matter what the truth is. We are Humans capable of taking over the world! (Where’s the lie? It’s already been done) Never give up!!!!