A New Chapter

The realisation that life goes on is scary. In theory, everyone knows that the clock always ticks and that our lives on this Earth are not eternal - but the heart doesn’t always know what the head understands. It didn’t quite hit me until recently when I found a moment, a picture perfect second, where I wanted time to stop.

The global quarantine has been difficult for everyone. Routines interrupted, livelihoods in disarray, and families torn apart. I’m sure I’m not the only one who has found it unbearable, the stifling thought of being alone in a world full of people. I always knew I was codependent by nature, someone who thrived on the comfort of others - soft passing touches, feeling the weight of someones hand in your own, shoulder crushing hugs from your best friend.

It's a dizzying thought; not being able to remember the last time you were touched, held by someone who you loved.

I struggled with not being around my friends, like I'm sure most people did. No amount of video calls or texts could come close to the feeling of falling asleep in my best friends arms - safe, content, and loved. I had never felt so alone than I did being trapped in my own home.

I knew in my head it was for a good reason, but my heart ached.

It should come as no surprise that as soon as the government guidelines allowed, I met up with my closest friends. (Safely, of course, and taking all necessary precautions.) The feeling I got after finally being able to see them in person was more than happiness, it was serenity - an overwhelming feeling of right.

I watched the four of them - my girls, the people I held closest to my heart - and I wanted time to stop. I'd have given anything to stay in that moment forever, watching them laugh at a joke someone had made. All of us, carefree and happy.

I could almost feel the tension leeching from my body as the months of stress, worry, and loneliness finally came to an end. Sitting there, on my garden patio with some drinks and music blaring, I felt at peace.

But the clock ticks, and moments fade away into memories.

Things have fallen into place now.

Up until that night, I was questioning many aspects of my personal life. I'm supposed to be leaving for University soon, studying the only subject I've ever had a passion for. Having so much time along with my thoughts had allowed me to spiral, and I had worked everything up in my head. A problem the size of a raindrop slipping down a car windshield looked to me like a tsunami on the verge of crashing across the coastline.

Is this the right path for me? Can I really move and leave everything behind? Why is my life changing? Why can't everything stay the same? Why can't time slow down? Why?

I understand it now, why time can't be paused like a movie you don't want to miss a second of while you grab more snacks. Appreciation.

The simple thought of knowing that time is precious, that every second you don't pay attention is a moment you've missed, gives you an appreciation for everything in your life.

I love my friends, I always will. And I know that when I come home for a weekend or invite them for a day trip, they'll still be there for me. This path is the one I'm supposed to be on. I'm not leaving anything behind, like I'd feared I was, I'm simply moving on to bigger and better things. Everything can't stay the same because it's not supposed to, and that's okay. Time doesn't need to slow down, I just need to keep appreciating those perfect moments.

Why? Because the clock ticks on. And if you waste time watching the hands move round, you won't get a chance to make more memories.

So this is it for me. Not the beginning of the end, just the end of the beginning...

And I think it looks pretty good.