5 Months of Nada

For those who have read my work on Vocal over the last year, you will notice a theme in most of my writing. I am big on speaking about my mental health and relationship struggles.

Because I have learned to transform writing into a coping tool, to process, and even heal my inner wounds and traumas. It also reminds me of when I used to really enjoy journaling.

And looking over what I have written on Vocal this past year has a striking resemblance to some old patterns I used to have. It is one of the reasons I found journaling important, because it showed me a kind of overview of my mental health throughout the year. Seeing my writing history this last year has been eye-opening, and it has given me motivation to write this new piece.

If anyone were to go through the plethora of journals and notebooks I have collected over the years, there is a common theme that runs through all of them... Inconsistency. It has been something that has always really irritated me about myself, that I couldn’t even write something simple each day for more than a few months at a time, before falling out of routine and only writing in sporadic periods. And writing was important to me, so it would really make me get harsh against myself when I continuously failed. I have read myself just berating and criticizing myself on so many occasions for not being able to make it a daily habit. It was not creating a healthy or loving environment in my head about how I viewed myself. In fact, it just helped me to validate all the horrible self-defeating thoughts that were controlling me at the time.

Then I was blessed with the best therapist in the world, who has forever changed my life for the better. She wasn’t one of the ones who liked to give advice, or to coddle (the “fluff-and-buffer” as some people like to call them). In fact, she didn’t really say much for the most part. She just seemed to know exactly the right questions to ask me that would make me process my own struggle or question out loud as I would vent it to her. She would ask me how I was or what was going on with me, and I would explain my current irritation or internal battle, and I would just start ranting to her all my thoughts. The next thing I know I would be saying something out loud that I had been feeling or thinking about internally, but when I heard myself speak it, it was like a lightbulb came on. I would realize how actually ridiculous my thought process had been, and I could see how I was perceiving and handling it incorrectly. And if I didn’t catch it, she would. There was this grin that would come across her face, and she would ask me a simple question. One that challenged what I was saying in a painfully obvious way, because it made me realize every time how single-mindedly I was viewing myself and my circumstances. She was truly amazing, because she helped me to see how easily we can get stuck in one perception, and to instead be able to “look outside the box”. I am forever grateful to her.

So when I expressed my frustration with my journaling, she showed me a good tool for that too. When I held myself to the expectation I had to write every single day, I was setting myself up for failure. Because then if I missed a few days, it gave me an excuse to tear myself down, which was counter-productive for someone still working on self-love. It actually helped me validate my core thinking error that I was a failure, and shut me down internally so I would go months without writing a word before I found the motivation again. Whereas if I just set the goal of trying to write every day, but understanding that if I miss some days it isn’t a failure, it is just a small setback to continue working on. It made it all the easier to get right back to putting my pen to the paper. The words I wrote then became less resentful and shaming, and more compassionate and loving. Over the years, I’m now able to look back and see the bigger picture with my mental health, and what events were going on during the highs and lows of my writing.

A big theme during my, I will call them “white-out” periods (Get it? White-out, cause there is nothing on the page… har-har.) is my status of addiction or recovery, and my current situation with my relationships. A lot of the time while I was using it was extremely hard to consistently write because my focus was on “staying well” which I find is an ironic term. Because yes, it means keeping yourself out of physical withdrawal, but there is nothing well about your state of mind or lifestyle. And when I did write, there was nothing good about it. Those were the deepest letters of self-hate and shaming I would write. There was no healing or processing involved, because how could I heal from something I was still stuck in? All of that fed into the trauma of losing my daughters. So, even though I so strongly wanted to write a book for them, I could never really commit because I couldn’t write something to them while I was still being the very person that destroyed us. It was a nasty and vicious cycle.

My relationships have kept me in the same self-sabotaging behaviors because I always ended up attracting the same kind of partners. Ones who were damaged, like me, because I was a rescuer. And I am an empath, so more times than not, they had narcissistic tendencies. It was like a rinse and repeat every new relationship. But I hated being alone with myself.

With all that being said, writing on Vocal has become a new version of journaling for me. Only, it’s a much more vulnerable way of doing it, because the whole world can see. And it hasn’t changed the fact that there are still patterns I have been able to locate throughout the year. It has given me the chance to see areas I still need to work on with myself, but also has shown me how far I have come. The first half of the year I was doing great, in my personal life, and with my writing. That was the point when I felt most authentic and thriving. Work was great, and almost half-way through the year, I met a really amazing guy. I had never felt more motivation to be writing as much as I had. Then things in my personal life started going downhill, and I still was writing, but not as much. Then when everything fell apart I fell off the map again for quite a while. Looking back at my stories, there was a total of 5 months when I didn’t write a single thing. That makes me sad because writing makes me so happy. Even writing the tuff stuff, it gives me a chance to vent and release, so I’m not just stuffing. During those months I lost a relationship to someone who was a genuinely good human, we just couldn’t make it work, plus my work and family life was in shambles as well. I quickly fell into a deep depression, I was fighting every day just to not slip back into my old behaviors and completely shut down. I knew I could do it, because I am no longer capable of being the person I used to be. It doesn’t suit me anymore. But I stopped writing. That is what really stood out to me, because each time this has happened in my past, I end up stuffing myself full of so much that eventually my mind snaps and that’s when I find myself fighting to crawl back out of that mental stagnation. I am still a bit depressed, and financially stressed trying to catch up from the lost hours between switching jobs, but what matters is I haven’t given up. The me I was a few years ago would have quit by now. She would be back to using and full of self-loathing and regrets. I think that’s why I am feeling as proud of myself as I am, because I am realizing that there has been a change and a growth in me that’s made me a better version of myself. And I know that if I keep going, that things will work out. At least, better than if I fell back into old choices. I’m a little sad that I went so long without really writing, but I am not holding it against myself. I was grieving and now see I wasn’t ready to commit to another relationship when I did. He was great yes, but we both had unhealed trauma and baggage that got in the way. And ultimately that got in the way of my writing and the joy I get from it.

So the lesson I took from it all this year, is that right now I just need to focus on me, work on things that still need adjusting, and continue to put my time and energy into the things I’m passionate about. Being single actually sounds pretty good right now, and I’m content with not rushing for the sake of feeling lonely. I have plenty of time down the road to find someone who is right for me. And who knows, maybe my dad was right, and I will end up being just like my Aunt. Single, she dates when she wants, but is independent and loving it. Either way, I am grateful to know I am on the right track, and looking forward to seeing where this new version of me is headed!