2021

2020 was a difficult year for myself and my family. As it was for many others around the world. More specifically, we lost a house we made an offer on, we lost our wedding date and the backup date, we had friends hospitalized in the ICU, and heard the code blues over the halls of the hospital halls, and we all shed tears over the love and social interaction we were all missing. Finally, the biggest blow of all was my mother’s stage four cancer diagnosis the week before Christmas. 2020 was not a good year.

2021 will be better, because it must be better. We have resolved to make 2021 better. My family and I have sworn to build ourselves up and not let external circumstances define our happiness. We have a plan.

First, we will take the big CA diagnosis by its horns and fight it tooth and nail. We will talk to each other every day. Share more photos, face time, and special moments. We will do more crafts, get more fresh air, and find ways to spend time together no matter what. Of course, a resolution is to do so safely, but safety does not equal lonely. We have vowed to spread out on blankets and pillows in the park 13 feet from each other under the sun breathing the fresh air. We don our masks and pick up our to-go orders and share meals under a blue sky.

2021 will not be a bad year. We will work hard to make realistic goals regarding work and responsibilities because after a year like 2020, every small win is a win to celebrate. My family and I will focus on hobbies refining small long-lost skills. We aim to use chemo hours to reminisce and laugh at tiktok videos. We plan to visit our matriarch, my 96-year-old grandmother, with all the safety we can manage. We will not let her drown in isolation. Instead, we will take the time we’d normally be out seeing movies, visiting clubs, or sitting in restaurants to pick up the phone and laugh together. We will watch her carefully use her walker to sit at the picnic tables to share stories about the most recent TV catastrophe and make fun of how awful the most recent meal delivery was.

2021 will be a better year because we’re prepared. We have lived through something terrible, but the experience has made us infinitely stronger and wiser. The fear of financial ruin and death has brought us all to appreciate the life that we each still have and the income we still earn allowing us to survive. In 2021, our focus is to use what we have at our disposal to make each moment as enjoyable as possible. We will be grateful in 2021 for each meal, each phone call, and every small commodity that our life has afforded us.

2021 will see a marriage, no matter how it may look. We will have set a resolution to find a way to be married, even if it means rapid testing our small family to not miss that moment. We have a resolution to have my mother and grandmother watch us walk down the aisle. We have a goal and it will not be stopped (even if we all wound up outside seated feet away from each other, we would be together).

2021 will also see more empowerment in my household. As my mother loses her self-confidence over a colostomy bag and the future of hair loss, I have a resolution to shower her with the most love I can muster. Whatever she wants to eat, she should, whatever she wants to wear, is beautiful, and whatever she may look like, she will always be brilliant. Our goal in 2021 is to support the woman who brought me into the world and to make her know and understand that even in cancer, life is worth living.

That brings me to the last goal of 2021. Self-love. My life has been a very long and winding road of self-hate and deprecation. I will make 2021 the year that I cut myself some slack. I am strong, I am smart, and I am beautiful (even if I don’t feel it yet). I will tell myself these things at least once a day to try to let go of a life-long habit that does nothing for me. I will let myself have a cookie, I will exercise for my health (not my waistline), and I will give myself the time I need to rest when I need it.

2021 is going to be a better year, with a better me, better relationships, and better outlook. Not because of external circumstances improving, but because I’ve seen how last year created such an unhealthy year that I at least now know what I need for 2021 to be healthy and happy. It may not look the same as other’s resolutions and goals but for me, these aren’t optional resolutions. They’ll be necessary in order to survive, grow, and one day look back on to feel satisfied with my life when my time finally comes. Cheers to 2021.