10 Ways to Help a Friend Through a Breakup

My mind was a mess after I broke up with an ex during my sophomore year of college, but my friends made a huge difference. They told me these feelings were normal and reassured me that I was making the right choice even if it didn’t feel that way (you’d totally agree if you knew the details, BTW). “Sometimes the right thing and the hard thing are the same,” a close friend texted me, which validated how difficult this was. That friend also left notes around my dorm with a similar vibe: I was doing what was best for me.

When we’re going through a breakup, our friends can help us feel heard, understood, less alone, and more hopeful about the future, says psychotherapist Olivia Verhulst, LMHC, PMH-C. Some of our people are hand-holding pros through many an ugly cry, others force you out of the house, and some hype you up about the single bliss that awaits, says therapist Jennifer Klesman, LCSW, author of You Can’t Stay There: Surviving a Breakup One Moment at a Time.

So if you’re rushing to be there for someone else, the best thing to do is ask what they need from you, says psychotherapist Natasha Camille, LCSW. And if they don’t really know, that’s OK too! Give them options. Offer to cook for them or drop their ex's stuff off, suggests Camille. If you’ve been living with Big Single Energy for a while now, you can even set them up on ~the apps~ so they don’t have to do it.

Ahead, we spoke to folks whose day-ones got them through past splits. They shared all the ways (grand gestures and not-so-grand) their people were there for them, so you'll know how to help a friend through a breakup of their own.

1. Let them vent.

“They just listened to me over and over and over and validated my feelings of hurt, sadness, and heartbreak.” —Emily Y., 42

2. Hold your judgment.

“I liked it when friends didn’t judge me for my feelings being all over the place. From wanting my ex back to never wanting to speak to him again, it changed by the hour at times, and having someone be patient with me was so helpful. It’s dramatically easier to get through these ups and downs if no one is judging you.” —Jennifer Klesman, LCSW, therapist

3. Tell them it’s OK to want something better.

“I went through a breakup my junior year of college after I’d just turned 21. My sister told me that choosing who we spend our life with is something we can be completely selfish about. It put things into perspective for me: The relationship wasn’t the best for me or my ex and we deserved to be happy.” —Julia, 32

4. Be open to helping in whatever way they need.

“Different friends took care of different needs. I cried to one of them, and another helped me not think about the breakup. When that friend told me he was worried because I wasn't talking about my feelings, I told him he was helping me by not talking about it. He was the person I could focus on something else with. So, basically, I think the best thing your loved ones can do for you during a breakup is to ask what you need from them. It might not be what you expect, but everyone helps in their own ways.” —Andrea A., 25

5. Help them shake bad thoughts.

“After my breakup happened on New Year’s Eve, I felt like it was entirely my fault and I should’ve changed myself to meet his wants and needs. I was left feeling like I wasn’t enough. My friends really helped me get unstuck from these negative thoughts. They opened my eyes to the fact that I didn’t need to change for anyone.” —Angelo C., 22

6. Give them space to make decisions.

“I was in a toxic relationship for a few years. My best friend was there for me every single day and always made me realize my worth, but eventually, she said, ‘I can’t keep telling you to leave him ’cause you’ll only do that when you’re ready. Until then, I’m here to support you.’ At that moment, I realized I was more than ready to leave, and I left him not even a month later.” —VB, 27

7. Encourage them to get curious about themselves.

“After a string of attempts at dating post-divorce, I was beyond frustrated as I tried to figure this new life out. A good friend told me I had an unfortunate circumstance that put me in an amazing position to learn more about myself. After that conversation, those words defined me. I took a two-year break to find out who I am and what I live for. I learned to love me more and realized that I didn’t have to settle for anything I didn’t want in my life.” —Alicia P., 40

8. Join in on their new hobbies.

“I went through a very difficult breakup 14 years ago when my engagement ended. I didn’t notice the loss as much on weekdays, but I struggled on weekends when I had more free time. So, I decided to do things that would make me feel accomplished. When I started training for a sprint triathlon, my friends and family cheered me on every step of the way and swam, ran, and biked with me. I also trained to do an 18-mile walk for suicide prevention with my sister. We would have huge blisters, but she still did it with me so I wouldn't be alone.” —Brianna Brunner, LCSW, therapist

9. Never underestimate a good hype session.

“A few years ago, I was feeling really bad about myself after going through a breakup. My amazing friend, who I always go to when I need a pep talk, reminded me how amazing I am. I think a lot of us feel like ending a relationship means we’re left with nothing. But when I remembered my own worth, I realized that I was going to be OK even though I was sad.” —Gina W., 26

10. Continue checking in.

“When I went through a friendship breakup, the absolute most helpful thing for me was people checking in even months later. This is typically the time that’s most isolating after any breakup because outside people move on. But my friends and family know grief like that doesn’t go away. When they kept offering to talk about it, it made me feel like I wasn’t burdening them.” —Olivia Verhulst, LMHC, PMH-C, psychotherapist