10 Secrets to Raising an Emotionally Intelligent Child

If you're a parent or know someone who is, you've probably had at least one moment of feeling like your kid just doesn't get it. Maybe they're throwing a tantrum in the candy aisle at the grocery store, refusing to listen when things don't go their way, or not noticing how they're making other people feel. But there's hope.

Follow these 10 tips from child development experts and psychologists on how to raise an emotionally intelligent child and help your kiddo grow into kind, compassionate adults with healthy relationships.

1) Monitor your own behavior.

It's a good idea to monitor the kinds of emotional experiences that are happening in your child's life. In order to understand how to best help other people, children need to understand themselves. If you don't know how you might be affecting your child, ask other adults in the household, friends and other family members for their thoughts on what might be going on with them.

2) Practice mediating conflicts with your child.

Watching a moment of conflict that's happening between your child and another person is a great opportunity to help them learn to pick up on the emotions behind the words. While you may not be able to stop a fight, you can help your child learn how to respond in a positive way when someone's angry. For example, instead of saying, No Let him hit you try something like, You're feeling angry about what he just said. This will encourage children to take their own feelings into account when responding.

3) Try not to react when things go wrong.

Instead, respond in a calm manner where you don't make your child feel bad for getting it wrong. This is what called emotion coaching, and it's an excellent way to teach children how to respond to someone in negative ways, like yelling or crying hysterically. Instead of saying, Why did you do that? try saying, I saw how upset you were and I see why. It wasn't nice of you to do that.

4) Give them appropriate limits.

A lot of times adults tell kids things like, You need to stop doing that, or You can't do that anymore. Kids need boundaries and adults sometimes forget they're still developing. Saying things like, You may not hit your brother when you're angry, or I know you really want a cookie, but it's time to eat dinner, helps them understand there are things they cannot do as they mature.

5) Encourage them to express what they're feeling.

Instead of sweeping emotions under the rug, encourage your child to express how they feel. You don't need to go into long conversations about why you feel sad or angry. Just saying, I'm sad because I wanted a cookie is an honest reflection of how children experience their emotions and if treated with kindness and empathy can be a great learning opportunity for your child.

6) Remember that children are pretty good at making bad choices.

Children often don't recognize when their behavior is harmful until it's too late. But when you teach them about consequences, you can help them understand that their actions have consequences and they'll learn to make better choices in the future. It might help children to know if they'd be allowed to do something again, or if there would be another consequence for such actions next time.

7) Recognize that children are still learning about the world.

When children are young, adults often need to repeat themselves, or teach them how to make eye contact or not interrupt in conversation. But when it comes to emotions and relationships, you can't just tell them what to do and expect them to understand right away. Children need more time than adults realize to learn how they feel and why they act the way they do. This is why it's important sometimes just to reflect back what they've told you so they know you get it.

8) Don't be afraid of conflict within your family.

Family conflict is normal, and it can be a great way to teach children how to express their emotions and work out problems. While you might not always find the time to mediate these conflicts at home, it can be a great opportunity to talk about them later. You can even help your child practice skills at school or in other settings that might help them solve conflicts when they do come up.

9) Avoid comparing your child to others.

It can be easy to compare our kids to other kids they see or who they play with. But by encouraging our children to be their own unique selves, you can help them understand that they're different from other people, and even encourage them to put the best scenario possible in front of themselves. Kids are already keen observers of what other people around them are doing, so by encouraging them to focus on themselves and maybe even take up a hobby or learn a new language, you can help them learn that they have their own place in the world.

10) Give your children some alone time now and then.

Children need some time apart from you sometimes so that they can explore their own emotions and experiences on their own. By giving toddlers alone time to play in the living room, or letting them explore the backyard on their own, you can help them learn that they're small, and that their feelings can be felt all over. This will help encourage them to get in touch with their emotions when they need to feel something more deeply.

In Conclusion

During the early years, children need to understand how and why they feel what they feel. While you can help them learn about their emotions, you don't have to wait for them to experience certain things. As long as you're an open book about feeling emotions like anger or frustration and provide your child with the tools to understand these reactions, you can help your child learn how to deal with negative emotions from a young age.