Who Feels More Pleasure During Sex- Men or Women?

While it’s not a competition, there’s always been a debate afoot about who derives the most pleasure from sex, men or women. But the question assumes a simple response, rooted in cultural assumptions that do nothing to improve anyone’s sex life.

The winning answer to this question is neither simple nor informed by assumptions. Rather, it’s endlessly complex and diverse. To illustrate my point, I’ll start with the clitoris - the elephant in the room in all discussions about who gets what from sex.

Solely for Pleasure

I call the clitoris the elephant in the room in this discussion because the clitoris is spoken of often, yet appeased woefully seldom. Capable of producing multiple orgasms, the clitoris is the only organ that exists solely to provide pleasure. And this magical organ is located only on the woman’s body. With more than 8,000 nerve endings in the glans (the head of the clitoris), it’s not surprising that the clitoris is a pleasure-loving little buddy.

But with the clitoris, what you see is not what you get. Fully 90% of this unique organ is hidden from view. But that does not imply that the clitoris is beyond your erotic reach. The clitoris responds to a wide variety of stimulation - from hands and fingers to tongues and intimate toys - and is largely responsible for the much-vaunted G-Spot orgasm, when accessed via the vaginal canal on its anterior (front) wall.

While it’s true that men are becoming increasingly diligent at ensuring the pleasure of their female sexual partners, in the spirit of sexual enthusiasm men can sometimes get a little swept away. The clitoris can be overlooked. So, while this magical organ might be imagined to make sex more pleasurable for women, that’s often not the case.

And while men routinely orgasm as the climax to sexual union, it can be a pyrrhic victory. In striving for orgasm there’s an unspoken obsession with achieving it as quickly as possible. To the detriment of the real pleasure along the way, the last stop on the journey frames the ride all too often. The Orgasmatron was efficient, delivering orgasms within seconds but where was the fun and pleasure in that?

The Electric Body

The human body is loaded with nerves that feed us information. The nerve-endings in your skin - especially C-tactile nerves - genitalia, lips, breast/chests, and in the erogenous zones found all over our bodies, speak to us of sexual arousal and pleasure.

It doesn’t take a lot of complex mathematics to figure out that skin covered with fine hair is more exposed and thus, more sensitive to touch. As with the clitoris, we might assume that this factor equates to a greater share of sexual pleasure for women than for men (and for less hirsute men, too).

Both men’s and women’s bodies hide sensual secrets that can too often be missed when the orgasm is enshrined as the “big thing that needs to happen”. An orgasm is, of course, wholly desirable and to be prized. That doesn’t mean it’s the only pleasure to be had during sex. Overvaluing orgasm deprives both men and women of the richest part of the banquet, too often missed in the rush to the dessert cart. So, slow down. Mouths, hands, toys, and fantasy are all part of the varied delight of sexual pleasure. Use them liberally as you play!

More Pleasure for Everyone: Slow Food Sex

In the same way it’s not always the right time to eat a hot dog with one hand while driving, it’s not always time for a quickie. Quickies have their place but it’s clear that the clitoris is probably not going to get what it needs during a quick “fast food” sex session.

And if the quickie has taken pride of place in your sexual repertoire - and that can happen to either men or women - then it’s time to take stock of why and how that’s happened. Because the fleeting pleasure of an orgasm (probably only for the man) is no substitute for the toe-curling pleasure of “slow food” sex. So don’t retire the quickie, just take it out of heavy rotation!

Replace fast food sex with the full meal deal, adding a world of sensuality that ignites you both. Slow-food sex takes you to a place where it’s impossible to gauge who’s derived more pleasure because it no longer matters. Everybody’s happy, spent, and satisfied.

Low, Slow, and Sensual

Everyone derives the utmost pleasure from sex when the quickie is reserved for certain settings in which it’s erotically appropriate (bathrooms in quiet locations, a park trail, an elevator to the 50th floor, when the baby goes down for a nap). When your moves are slowed down, the play comes to a boil in its time as you’re cooking on a lower heat.

When sensuality rules your sex play, the clock stops. The only order of business is pleasure, undefined by orgasm. The orgasm is not the sum total of pleasure and pleasure’s terminus. The party has ended, so the lights go out. You can make the party last longer with low, slow, sensual sex that takes you on a journey of exploration.

The Luxury of Time

When it comes to sexual pleasure, it’s necessary to firmly adopt the mindset that we command time - not the other way around. Time does not command us, nor does it choose the activities we deploy it to pursue. Because time spent as we choose to is a true luxury.

And what better luxury could there possibly be than to spend our time in the pursuit of the erotic? Sex is a funhouse, rife with delicious possibilities. Maybe when we finally understand that time isn’t something we take, it’s something we make, we can stop asking questions about who’s getting the better deal. Maybe we can slow down, abandon ourselves to the joy of pleasure and please each other without keeping score.