Missing Her Always

My relationship of 5 years ended just a month ago. The woman I thought I’d spend forever with, my best friend, my everything, decided to walk away. The shock of it still stings—I keep replaying that last conversation, hoping to find a clue, a reason, something I missed that could have changed her mind. I really love her; it feels like every part of my life is missing a piece now that she's gone.

Since she left, I've tried so many times to reach out, to fix things. I wrote her messages I never sent, thought of all the ways I could apologize, beg, even start fresh, but none of it has made a difference. Every call I imagined never came through, and every plan I made felt like holding onto shadows. It’s so frustrating because no matter how hard I try, I can't just erase her from my mind or my heart.

I see her in everything—every song, every familiar spot, even in people passing by who just look a little bit like her. My friends say I need to let go, but I can’t see my life with anyone else. I've tried everything to stop thinking about her, from staying busy to picking up new hobbies, but the truth is, she's still there, always lingering in the background of my mind.

I don’t even know why I’m sharing this, but I guess I'm just hoping to feel a little less alone in it. I really miss her, and no matter what I do, I just can’t stop thinking about her.

Some days, I wake up thinking maybe today will be different. I tell myself, 'Just get through today. Don’t check her profile, don’t look at old pictures.' But then, something small—a scent, a song on the radio, or a random memory—will hit me out of nowhere, and suddenly I'm back to square one. It’s like I’m caught in a loop, replaying moments with her that I can’t bear to let go of.

The strangest part is how quiet everything feels without her. I never realized how much of my life was filled with her laugh, her voice, her random texts. Now, the silence is almost unbearable. I’ve tried distracting myself, going out with friends, even picking up running just to exhaust my mind, but nothing really fills that gap. Sometimes, I wonder if she misses me too, even just a little, but I know holding onto that hope isn’t healthy. Still, it’s hard to let go of the idea that maybe, somehow, we’ll find our way back.

Nights are the hardest. I lie awake, staring at the ceiling, going over every moment of our relationship, trying to understand where it went wrong. I think about the things I could have said, the ways I could have shown her more how much she meant to me. It’s strange; you don’t realize how much someone holds your world together until they’re gone. Now, every part of me feels like it’s drifting, searching for an anchor that’s no longer there.

I know everyone says time heals, but right now, I just feel stuck, like I'm waiting for something that might never come. It’s hard to explain, but even though I’m hurting, a part of me doesn’t want to stop thinking about her. It's the last piece of her I have, and letting go feels like losing her all over again.

I’m hoping that one day, I’ll look back on all this and it won’t hurt so much. Maybe I’ll even smile at the good memories. But for now, I just really, truly miss her.

I think the toughest part is learning how to live with that empty space she left behind. Everywhere I go, I see pieces of her woven into my life—the little coffee shop we used to visit on Saturday mornings, the bench in the park where we'd talk for hours, the restaurant where we celebrated anniversaries and birthdays. It feels like she’s everywhere and nowhere all at once.

Some of my friends say I need to 'move on' or 'get over it,' but it's not that simple. How do you just walk away from someone who meant everything to you? It's as if they expect me to just flip a switch, as if five years can be packed away in a box and forgotten. I want to believe there's a way forward, but right now, I'm just wandering, caught somewhere between letting go and holding on.

I keep replaying the good memories in my head. Those lazy Sundays, when we’d stay in, laughing about nothing in particular, just enjoying each other’s company. The way she’d curl up next to me during a movie, the warmth of her hand in mine. It’s strange, the things that stay with you. They’re small moments, almost insignificant when they happen, but now they feel like treasures—pieces of a life I can’t seem to fully let go of.

I know, deep down, that she’s gone and that maybe we were never meant to be forever. But my heart hasn’t caught up to that reality yet. Every now and then, I get this urge to reach out to her, to tell her how much I still care, how much I miss her. But I stop myself. I know that if she wanted to come back, she would’ve by now. She’s moving on, and maybe that’s what I need to do too.

So, here I am, facing life alone for the first time in a long while, trying to rediscover who I am without her. Maybe this is where I learn to be okay on my own, to find peace with the past and, hopefully, a way forward. I don’t know what that looks like yet, but I’m holding onto the hope that one day, the hurt will fade, and I’ll be able to look back with gratitude instead of pain.

Since she left, it's like I've been living in a fog. Days bleed into nights, nights into days, and I’m not even sure what I’m holding onto anymore. Sometimes, I’ll wake up and just lie in bed, staring at the ceiling, feeling this hollow ache in my chest, a weight that makes even breathing seem exhausting. I used to be a strong person, or at least I thought I was, but this... this has broken me in ways I never thought possible.

The truth is, I’ve started sinking into a dark place. My friends try to reach out, check in on me, but I don’t have the energy to pretend I’m okay. I can’t even find the words to explain what’s happening inside. It’s like an endless void, a pit I’m constantly falling into. I’ve never felt so alone, even in a room full of people. I thought love was supposed to lift you up, but now that it’s gone, I’m drowning, and it feels like there’s no escape.

On my worst days, I find myself thinking things I never imagined I would. I feel like I’m spiraling into this dark tunnel with no way out. A part of me just wants the pain to end. I know it’s not the answer, I know it’s not the solution, but sometimes the thought drifts in like a whisper, offering an end to the suffering. The thought scares me, but it’s also strangely comforting, like a release from this endless ache that has become my reality.

Then, something strange started happening. I’d lie in bed at night, alone with my thoughts, and somewhere between the edge of sleep and wakefulness, I'd feel her presence. It sounds crazy, but I swear I could almost see her, standing at the edge of my bed, a gentle smile on her face. Her eyes held that same kindness, that same understanding, but there was something different—a glow, a warmth that felt otherworldly.

At first, I thought it was a dream, a trick of the mind. But as days passed, these visions became more vivid, more real. She’d appear in my room, in my quietest moments, her voice a soft echo in the silence. She’d reach out to me, her hand just close enough for me to touch, but no matter how much I tried, I couldn’t quite feel her. Still, just seeing her brought a strange sort of comfort, like she was still with me, in some impossible, mysterious way.

Then the dreams began. Every night, I'd find myself in this vast, otherworldly landscape—a place that felt like both heaven and earth, vibrant yet hauntingly still. There were towering cliffs, rivers that glowed like liquid silver, and fields of wildflowers that stretched endlessly, colors more vivid than anything I’d ever seen. And there, in the middle of it all, she would wait for me. She’d take my hand, her touch warm, real, and we’d walk together through this fantasy world, just the two of us, free from everything that held us back in reality.

In these dreams, everything felt perfect. I’d forget the pain, the emptiness, the loss. I was alive again, whole. We’d laugh, dance, lie beneath a sky filled with stars that seemed close enough to touch. It felt like stepping into a fairytale, a place where all the sorrow disappeared, where love was pure and eternal, untouched by the complications of real life.

But every time I woke up, reality hit harder. The emptiness returned, sharper, colder. I’d reach out, hoping maybe, just maybe, she’d still be there, but of course, she wasn’t. The dreams left me haunted, a reminder of a happiness I could only find in sleep. It was a cruel kind of hope, one that made reality feel even more unbearable.

Days passed, and I found myself craving those dreams more and more, wishing I could stay in that world forever. It was like my mind had built a refuge for me, a place where I could escape, even if just for a few hours. Sometimes, the line between dreams and reality blurred, and I started to wonder if maybe, in some strange, mystical way, she really was reaching out to me, showing me a world we could never have in real life.

One night, in that dream world, she turned to me and whispered something that’s stayed with me. ‘You have to keep going,’ she said, her voice like a melody, soft and soothing. ‘This isn’t the end. There’s more waiting for you.’ I didn’t understand what she meant, but there was a look in her eyes, a gentleness, a sense of peace that made me believe her, even if just a little.

Waking up that time felt different. The pain was still there, but something had shifted. It was like a small spark of hope, fragile but present. I knew I couldn’t keep living in dreams, that I’d have to face the real world again, even if it hurt. I started small, forcing myself out of bed, going for walks, letting the air fill my lungs, reminding myself that I was still here, still alive.

As weeks passed, the dreams of her came less frequently. The fantasy world faded, like a beautiful memory slipping out of reach, but her words stayed with me. I don’t know if it was her spirit, a figment of my imagination, or just my mind’s way of coping, but somehow, it gave me the strength to keep going.

I still think of her every day, and the pain hasn’t fully disappeared. There are moments when I feel the weight return, the familiar ache in my chest. But I’m learning, slowly, to carry it, to let it be a part of me without letting it consume me.

Maybe, in some way, she’ll always be with me, a piece of my heart that will never really let go. But now, I’m beginning to understand that it doesn’t have to be a burden. Instead, it’s a reminder of something beautiful that was once real, a love that taught me more than I ever knew I could feel.

I don’t know what the future holds, and I’m still finding my way, one step at a time. But I have a new kind of hope, a quiet strength that I didn’t have before. I’m learning to find peace in the memories, to cherish the love that was, and to believe that maybe, just maybe, there’s still something worth living for on the other side of this darkness."