Married in Haste, Regretting at Leisure: My Story of a Loveless Marriage

Because I rushed into it, now regret is useless.

I’m 28 years old this year, have been married for over a year, and have a 5-month-old baby. I’ve had quite a few relationships before, but none of them worked out. I’m introverted, a bit slow, and not very quick-witted. Currently, I work a government job, earning just enough to live decently.

I’ve known my husband for about three years. During that time, I was seeing other people while he remained just a friend. I would confide in him about everything, and he would comfort and support me. Later, he moved to the city to work as a mechanic. From time to time, we would chat. Meanwhile, the people I dated didn’t last long—sometimes we fought constantly, sometimes they would flirt with other women—so I eventually gave up.

I often shared my relationship problems with him. He always spoke with empathy and pity, and I grew attached to that. I thought he had been waiting for me for three years. But after we got married, I once checked his phone and discovered that he had been texting and flirting with many other women all along.

As time passed and I remained single, my mother started pressuring me to get married. By the end of my 26th year, I decided to marry him. He took me to visit his family once. His home was very poor and everything was old and worn out, but I thought that as long as the two of us worked hard together, it would be fine. I believed that as long as my in-laws treated me well, it would be enough.

At first, when I met his family, they seemed very welcoming. But after giving birth, when I brought my baby to stay with my in-laws for a month, I realized I had made a mistake.

There was hardly any food in the house. I received a small maternity allowance, and I gave some of it to my mother-in-law to buy groceries. I even had to buy basics like seasoning powder and toothpaste myself. My husband’s family would eat and drink all the time. They raised pigs and chickens, but only for their own consumption, never for selling. When they ran out of animal feed, they asked me for 500,000 VND to buy more. For Lunar New Year, I gave them 2 million VND for holiday expenses, but anything else I needed, I had to pay for myself. My in-laws didn’t even have 100,000 VND to spare, yet they still gossiped about me. When relatives came over, they complained that I was lazy and slow because I didn’t give them money or gifts.

After a month there, I returned to the small rented room where my husband and I lived, and I felt so much more at ease.

At first, my husband seemed hard working. But when we got married, he had no money and had to borrow to cover wedding expenses because he had just had surgery on his leg. I thought that was the reason. But later I found out he had spent all his earnings over the years on drinking and eating out. Even the surgery costs had been borrowed.

I had to buy everything from A to Z, and my parents also supported us a lot. I tried to advise him many times, but he didn’t change. He kept drinking and hanging out.

Two to three months after we got married, I became pregnant. Even then, he would go out drinking, leaving me alone at home. He only gave me a little money a few times; otherwise, I had to manage everything on my own—from paying off his debts to buying a motorbike to sell for extra money to raise the baby. But when he finally got the bike, he didn’t sell it; he kept it for himself and gave the old bike to his family. Every day, he would play sports and drink with friends.

When I gave birth, nothing changed. My mother-in-law came to help for a month, and he took the opportunity to go out even more because she handled all the housework. He has a bad temper—if I say anything, he gets angry, sulks, and refuses to listen.

I really want to get a divorce, but my baby is still too young. My mother keeps telling me, “All men are like that,” and advises me to endure it for the child’s sake, so my baby won’t have to grow up without a father.

But I feel so miserable. Having a husband feels no different from being alone. I have to handle everything—money, responsibilities—by myself. He doesn't even seem to care.

What should I do now, everyone?