How Your Unresolved Shame Affects Your Relationships and Why Therapy Can Help You

Shame an emotion that most of us would rather not feel but which is central in not only how we see ourselves but also how we relate to one another. And if shame is not properly resolved, it can create severe relationship problems that challenge trust, intimacy, and communication. Most people have no idea how their carried shame is responsible for the destructive feedback loops that occur in relationship and repeat time and again, hurt by hurt, misunderstanding within misunderstanding. Therapy creates an avenue for exploration, understanding and healing where individuals can discover the source of their shame and develop their ways of relating with others.

Understanding Shame: What Is It?

Shame is an intricate construct that arises when we negatively assess ourselves. Guilt results when you think bad of something you did, whilst shame feels like there is something wrong with and about you as a human being! It often stems from a traumatic experience in childhood, or when neglect, criticism or abuse is present. But, those early experiences changes the way people see themselves and engages with others throughout their lives.

But a child may internalize messages that they don't have the right to be here, if somebody grows up hearing that all the time or anybody should be ashamed of who at its core. This shame gets embedded in the identities of those children, causing them to grow up feeling unworthy of love and connection and success. This unacknowledged shame may manifest in their romantic relationships as self-sabotage, mistrust, or emotional detachment.

How Unresolved Shame Affects Your Relationships

Fear of Vulnerability

This is one of the most important ways that unresolved shame will ruin a relationship, because it interferes with our ability to be vulnerable. No doubt about it vulnerability is the magic ingredient in carrying us through relationships that bring us intimacy and trust. People who experience shame ask for very little if they ask at all, and with others around them instead of asking for what you really need, well, being vulnerable means asking for something specific. And people struggling with shame avoid that like the plague. There may be a fear that if their partner really knew them they would not be good enough to love and respect. This emotional distance creates disconnects that makes it empirically impossible to form deep connection and bond meaningfully with others.

Self-Sabotaging Behaviours

Unresolved shame can lead individuals to self-destructive modes of operation. When we do not feel deserving, we sabotage what we do want subconsciously, like the love of someone. This might play out as always fights, moving to sabotage the relationship or continually questioning their partners honest desire for them. They take actions to sabotage the relationship based on the inner narrative that they are not good enough — a self-fulfilling prophecy of failure.

Difficulty Trusting Others

Shame makes it very hard to trust anyone. If someone feels rotting to the core, they might find it hard to believe that others hold another view. This frequently results in them feeling doubtful or afraid if their current partner were to find out the real, dynamic person they truly are. Trust is the foundation of every healthy relationship and when confidentially is breached due to shame, it can create doubt in your connection causing endless amounts of tension.

Emotional Withdrawal

For a lot of people, that unresolved shame shows up by causing them to withdraw emotionally in relationships. Instead of taking the risk of rejection or displeasure, they create distance with their partner as a protection mechanism. When one partner withdraws emotionally, both tend to feel more alone, lonely or resentful because there is neither communicating about where they are in these areas.

People Pleasing / Compensation

By contrast, unprocessed shame also comes out in the form of people-pleasing or overcompensating in relationships. People, in fear of rejection or criticism, can literally bend over backwards to keep the other happy, even at their own expense. This often causes resentment as the person is left feeling undervalued or overwhelmed from trying to validate themselves all the time.

Why Therapy Can Help

A therapist provides a confidential, judgment-free environment for the individual to start going deeper into what phases of their life was toxic shame absorbed, how it impacts their behavior in relationships today. Therapy can offer people understanding about who they are and what their patterns are (both healthy and unhealthy), and how to heal, evolve accordingly.

Here’s How therapy helps shame-based relationships

Identifying the Root Causes

For example, if your shame is due to childhood trauma, past relationships or societal conditioning a therapist can assist in establishing where the roots of that shame are growing. Once you know where your shame comes from, you can start dismantling and replacing the self-limiting beliefs that group with it. Therapy separates you from your worth as a person and from the experiences or mistakes that perhaps caused this feeling of shame.

Learning Self-Compassion

Self-compassion is one of most powerful tools in healing shame. Therapists can help people to replace self-criticisms with self-acceptance and compassion. Self-compassion allows you to view yourself with more kindness and empathy, which starts breaking off the strong hold shame has over your life. Seeing things in this light changes how you act in relationships, for the fact that now, you are less likely to look for validation from another or have a fear of being judged by them.

Learning To Communicate Well

In therapy, you can also learn how to effectively communicate which helps to create intimacy, and builds the trust in your relationships. You will be able to share your feelings and needs more freely without worrying about judgment or shame. This vulnerability in turn, creates the pathway around developing emotional intimacy with your partner.

Building Emotional Resilience

Shame almost always leads to the avoidance of uncomfortable feelings. Therapy teaches you to build emotional resilience which helps amongst other practical skills, how to sit with uncomfortable emotions and avoid closing down or shutting yourself off. You will grow in discerning your emotions and be able to handle the ebbs and flows of relationships, creating more emotional intimacy and connection.

Healing Through Vulnerability

Vulnerability, as shame researcher Dr. Brené Brown explains (ironically in a TED talk), is key to healing shame; therapy creates a space for vulnerability to take place. You are also able to safely learn how to express your feelings, fears and insecurities during therapy sessions. But treating it as a lesson can carry over to some of your personal ones, where this vulnerability and courage might mean opening up to your partner. Relationships bloom when both parties experience safety in allowing their most vulnerable inner selves to be seen and recognized a relationship works only on the terms of trust and profound understanding.

Moving Forward

It takes time to heal from old shame, but the rewards are great. Discuss what the shame that plays a role is doing to your relationships, finally breaking the cycle and creating more satisfying connections. Therapy will help you get to the root of your misalignment and give you greater understanding on how these deep seated feelings come about as well as new ways to relate to yourself and others.

Working with a caring therapist can change your life if you are ready to start on the path towards healing and better relationships. In the structured environment of therapy, you can identify and move through your feelings and challenge your beliefs therapeutically too, building up an arsenal of new ways to connect. Therapy will help you recover confidence, communicate better and that there are people who love, trust and can be emotionally close.

For more information on how therapy can help you to heal unresolved shame and create healthier relationships, contact us at All In The Family Counselling.