Feeling that “the more your partner looks at you, the less you see,” may not be a lack of love, but you ignore the crisis!【3】

Psychologist Susan Campbell mentioned that couples usually go through five phases of their relationship: the romantic phase, the power struggle, the integration phase, the commitment phase and the co-creation phase.

When you first get married, you're still in the romantic phase, and the first love is based on projected imagery of each other, presenting the best version of yourself to each other.

At this stage, there is still a certain sense of mystery, so there will be a strong desire to explore and share with each other.

So what happens when you go from talking about everything when you're dating to having nothing to talk about after you're married?

From within the marriage, it can be roughly divided into three situations: the first, after a period of marriage, the ideal partner filter broken, dissatisfaction with the partner rises, unconsciously want to remodel each other, so that the partner back to the original appearance.

Coupled with the increase in trivialities of life, work pressure, the birth of children and other factors, the energy will be infinitely split, not interested in running the couple again.

This is the case with JuanJuan and her husband, now the two can go a whole day without sending messages.

What JuanJuan said, her husband is “uh” “oh” “good”. At night before going to bed, JuanJuan said she wanted to chat, and her husband would say “I'm too tired”, and then snore loudly.

At this point, JuanJuan, as if she has seen the next few decades of lonely life.

Moreover, once the marriage life enters the bad mode, it will lose awareness, and even use violence to communicate instead of gentle communication.

After JuanJuan gave birth to her child, her husband became busier, and she was often alone with her baby.

Sometimes JuanJuan's daytime work is very disturbing, and when she comes home at night, she still has to take care of the children and do housework, but her husband sits on the sofa after dinner and plays games.

When she asked him to help her put away the clothes, he said, “Oh,” and continued to sit there without moving.

When Juanjuan finished her work, she was furious and couldn't help scolding him: “You say you're not doing anything at home all day long. I've worked so hard to get you to put away the clothes, and you're so slow to do it.”

Usually when people face accusations, there are three ways to deal with them: attacking, avoiding, and agreeing.

At first, her husband would also choose to dislike her back, “I'm already tired after working all day, can't I just relax and do it again?

If you are tired, you can take a break and do it again.”

But every time Juanjuan heard this kind of words from him, which did not understand him and were still sophomoric, she became so angry that her chest tightened and her temper got worse and worse.

Over time, the husband chose to avoid it.

But always being thrown cold water, Juan Juan would constantly question herself, “Is it my fault? I shouldn't have such a need.” Gradually, JuanJuan has no confidence in communicating with her husband and simply gives up.

Of course, there are some men who feel that losing their temper with their wives is a lack of decency, so they choose to “agree” with them, such as my husband, who says, “OK, you're right.” Although the surface peace, but the spirit of the world is no longer communicating.

However, the other party does not have any principle problems, to say that this separation, it does not seem to be to that extent.

Visible, from nothing to nothing to say, there must be countless times in the middle of the failed communication experience.

The second kind, the marriage within the unrenewed, mostly the same old stuff. I also have a friend and I said, “Sometimes it's not that you don't want to communicate, there's really nothing to talk about.”

The few exchanges between two people are like routines. For example, what's for dinner, who picks up the kids, who buys the groceries, when do you pay the utility bills, and when is it time to pay off the mortgage and car loan....... The daily conversation is centered around factual level stuff and no longer talking about feelings and inner truthful experiences.

The third, is that you subjectively do not want to talk to each other anymore. In short, both sides feel that the other side “more and more look bad”.

For example, the other party has become fat, not as gentle as before, become lazy, not talk to each other .......

But this is the part that we need to adjust, complete the acceptance of the other's true self, and see the other's strengths again.