A married man's confession: "How did I gradually stop loving my wife in an 11-year marriage?"

“Did he do as you expected? Are you satisfied?”

“I am quite satisfied. I think he may truly love me.”

This scene is from the psychological experiment documentary “The Happiness Lab”.

The boy and the girl are junior high school classmates. They have known each other for 12 years and been in love for 5 years.

However, time has not made their relationship deeper and stronger. On the contrary, cracks are gradually emerging and conflicts are multiplying.

Why is this so?

The “sandplay game” (a psychological therapy) in the program might give us the answer.

Both partners need to use miniature toys (people, plants, animals, means of transportation, etc.) in turn to create a scene in a box filled with fine sand. There is no theme restriction. During this process, there can be no communication at all, including language, actions, and eye contact.

Then, by observing what kind of toys people choose and how they place them, we can understand their inner worlds.

At the start of the game, the boy wanted the girl to place the toys first, but the girl refused and insisted that the boy go first.

The reason is:

“I want to see what he will notice first if we live together. What is the most important thing in his eyes?”

Yes, this is a test for the boy by the girl.

So, the boy placed a small house first:

“This is a courtyard-style house that she likes. I put it in the middle of the sandbox. All the things that happen next should revolve around it.”

Isn't it wonderful?

But the girl was not moved by this. Instead, she asked him, “Is it placed in the middle because it is important?”

The implied meaning is: “Am I the most important one in your heart?”

Then, the boy took an old grandma and put it behind the house. But the girl took a dragonfly and put it in front of the old grandma's feet.

Obviously, the old grandpa and the old grandma are a couple. Why didn't the girl take the old grandpa?

The girl explained later:

“I know that he took that old grandma to make me take that old grandpa. But I can't do what he wants.

Because I want to see if he will take the old grandpa himself if I don't take it.”

The girl is testing the other party at every step.

Testing her position in his heart and testing whether he really loves her.

“Fortunately”, the boy passed the test this time. He took an old grandpa with hair and stood beside the old grandma.

However, the girl's tone is still full of doubts:

“I am quite satisfied because he knows that I don't like that old grandpa being bald. So he took an old grandpa with hair.

I think he may truly love me.”

On the contrary, the boy did not show any happiness or excitement because he passed the test.

Instead, he is full of unhappiness. It is the helplessness of not being trusted and the exhaustion of being cautious.

In fact, what the game reflects is exactly their daily life:

One side is constantly testing and confirming a certain answer they want;

The other side responds carefully, fearing that they will make a mistake in the next step.

But such testing cannot bring the expected sense of security. Instead, it pushes the relationship between the two people further and further away.

In the end, the two people still chose to break up.

The girl is so addicted to “testing”. In fact, it has a lot to do with her “lack of security” in her heart.

“I am like a little girl who needs to be protected very much.”

Security is extremely important to her.

So, she will keep confirming:

“Can you provide protection for me? Are you that reliable person?”

“No matter what happens, will you love me as always?”

Even adopt some seemingly “capricious” ways:

For example, being unreasonable, making trouble out of nothing, saying breakup easily, testing the bottom line again and again...

In an intimate relationship, the side lacking security always pays excessive attention to and depends on the other side.

Always feel neglected and alienated, worrying that the partner will deceive or leave us;

Will be swayed by gains and losses, be emotional, and constantly confirm the partner's company and guarantee;

Even easily start the “threat mode” and cut off all relationships.

This phenomenon is called “anxious attachment personality” in psychology.

In the process of getting along with your partner, do you often do this:

If the other party replies to your message slowly, you will think a lot. Does he not love me anymore? Is there someone else in his heart?

If he forgets to wake you up and doesn't say good night, the feeling of being neglected and abandoned will come, and then you will be angry and have a big fight;

Deliberately ignore him, stimulate him, want him to be jealous, and let him coax you well to prove that you are the most important in his heart...

Going back and forth between “self-torture” and “torturing others”.

Eager to have a high-quality intimate relationship.

But also worried that the other party does not love you as much as you love him.

This doubt and fear will magnify the inner uneasiness and distrust.

Then drive yourself to do some things that seem “unreasonable” in the eyes of the other party.

Check the other party's mobile phone, report whereabouts regularly, delete all contacts of the opposite sex, use a small account to test whether the partner is loyal, and so on.

The result is like that couple at the beginning:

The other party will not love you more and want to protect you more.

Instead, it will bear huge pressure and distress.

This intimate relationship is not far from collapse.

“She wants me to take care of her all the time and reply to her immediately at any time;

She wants more than I can give her.

I can't please her. I can't give her what she wants. I can't satisfy her.”

In the documentary “Couples Therapy”, the husband said this to the therapist.

He and his wife have been married for 11 years and are facing a serious marriage crisis.

In his opinion, his wife is always angry. Always because of a little thing, she will be hysterical and unrelenting.

He loves his wife and also wants to make his wife happy.

But later he found out:

Making her happy is an impossible thing to achieve forever.

She can call you 20 times a day. No matter whether you are in a mess and busy dealing with work.

When you answer the phone, you will hear accusations:

“Where have you been? What were you doing just now? Why didn't you answer the phone?”

In a week of 7 days, you accompany her for 6 days.

For the remaining 1 day, you want to be alone or drink with friends.

But once you have this thought, all your previous company and efforts become in vain.

What she sees is your absence on the last day. It is your carelessness and not enough love.

So dissatisfaction and anger arise, and conflicts and quarrels are inevitable.

As the number of quarrels increases, the husband's heart also cools down.

To avoid conflicts, he will deliberately reduce interaction, choose to retreat and escape, and no longer think about solving problems.

But such an attitude will only make the wife more dissatisfied, and the quarrels will become more and more intense.

“The more you retreat, the more she will feel abandoned, isolated and rejected by you.”

Obviously they are two people who love each other. Why can't they love each other well in marriage?

We need to go back in time.

Before knowing her current husband, the wife had a bad emotional experience.

Her first husband often went out to drink and beat her with his fists from time to time.

During her pregnancy and when taking care of the baby, her husband's domestic violence behavior never stopped.

Unable to bear it anymore, she left with her child in another domestic violence incident.

And all these have become the source of her fragility and anxiety when dealing with intimate relationships in the future.

We can easily bring past emotional traumas into our current intimate relationships.

Including previous intimate relationships, including the influence of the original family.

And all these experiences will gradually shape our beliefs about partners and marriage, as well as our coping models for intimate relationships.

In fact, everyone will more or less have a little “anxious attachment personality” in intimate relationships.

Because of love, so worry.

This is normal. A moderate “anxious attachment personality” is harmless. Just accept the real self.

But if it has affected the stability of the intimate relationship, try to make adjustments.

The following four small suggestions hope to be helpful to you:

1. Learn to separate relationships.

He is him, and you are you.

You can share life and experience all the beauty together.

But also leave some time and space for each other.

You are not Siamese twins, but two individuals with independent thoughts.

“You don't become complete because you fall in love with someone. Instead, when you fall in love with someone, you want to share your complete world with him.”

2. Seek security inwardly.

Security is given by oneself.

Rather than seeking security from others, it is better to enrich yourself and be a strong person inside.

Absorb abundant power from reading and gain love and sunshine from exercise.

Be your own little sun. You can also live as a light of your own without relying on the light source of others.

3. Face real emotions directly.

Having emotions is not terrible. What is terrible is letting emotions get out of control.

What troubles you is not your emotions, but the way you deal with emotions.

Accept the real self and reconcile with your emotions and personality.

Only by facing the problem directly is it possible to solve the problem.

4. Let go of the past and focus on the present.

It is really difficult to clear the past and start over.

But what we have to live is the present and the future.

Let the past scars and pains pass as much as possible.

We can try to establish a new emotional response model in an intimate relationship.

It is not a stress response to past pain, but a tacit understanding and consensus developed through long-term getting along between two people.

In “Journal of a Solitude”, the poet May Sarton once wrote:

“You have to fight anxiety again and again and tirelessly save yourself from fire and water.”

In an intimate relationship, once your focus is only on whether the other party loves you, what the other party is doing, and what the other party is thinking.

You also hand over your initiative to the other party.

You will be uneasy because of one of his words;

You will be suspicious because of one of his actions.

Forget that you are also one of the protagonists of this relationship.

Forget that paying attention to your own feelings is the most important thing.

Admittedly, the formation of anxious attachment personality has a lot to do with past experiences.

But the amazing thing about human beings is that we will grow.

We who have been through many battles have the strength to embrace the injured self inside and have the courage to face possible tests and difficulties.

From now on, try to bring your attention back to yourself.

You are worthy of being loved and will definitely be loved.

Not just for an intimate relationship, or even just for the rest of your life.