To See Myself More Clearly

I read a meme recently that said, "there is more to life than work and losing weight!" HA! Ain't that the truth! Having been a weight obsessed workaholic my whole life until 2019 that really hit me. People are impressionable, we learn what we see, we are taught to hate our bodies, I don't know why yet but (in my experience) this has been true.

I was the 'fat' kid my whole life. I am not sure what age I accepted the role as mine and made it my own but its been with me for as long as I can remember until last year. I was also conditioned to believe fat is unacceptable so therefore I believed I was not acceptable because of my weight and for four decades I struggled with my self worth.

I worked too hard, too much and ran my body into the ground. Treating it horribly for failing me at being normal sized, not once did I ever have a moment of gratitude for my working legs, my brilliant mind, my tender and couragous heart, none of that mattered because I was over weight. As far as I was concerned, I had no worth.

For years I was angry at my family for my bad genes, blamed everyone for fat hating me, but in reality I was my number one fat shamer. My number one bully! I took the comments of a few choice assholes from my past and ran with it for forty odd years! The things my mind creates to say to myself baffles me, where does one even learn to speak to oneself like this!

I always admired larger women who could 'own it' and be sexy. I thought that was something they were capable of that I wasn't, but that wasn't true, it was just a muscle that needed to be worked, the self love muscle.

Obesity is a complex issue don't let anyone tell you otherwise. I had so many things out of balance in my body that my doctor referred me to the bariatric clinic-weight loss surgery was my best bet at regaining my health.

One year of careful counselling prior to surgery, to learn how to eat for your nutrition, how to start moving the body, how to track food, prep food, relearning this all from scratch! It was invaluable. I lost 70 lbs before surgery and 70 after.

Diabetes is in remission, no more high blood pressure, no more chronic aches and pains, PCOS symptoms under control. I undertstand my body more and I listen to it now and respect its needs for sleep and nourishment and peace. I understand my emotions more, I have developed skills, I have good days and bad days and I am still human and I am still obese but the difference is that I don't hate myself anymore. I had to go 140 lbs up and 140 lbs back down to the same weight I was at twenty to understand that I had been beautiful all along. My beauty is more than my skin, my physique, my size, it is me.

When I start to forget I look in my wallet of a picture of me at about age three smiling up at the camera, unapologetic, unself-conscious, a perfectly imperfect human. I was perfect then, I am perfect now just like everyone else.

The key to real beauty is self love, love yourself and the light that radiates from you will help others connect to their own radiance.

How does one learn to see themselves more clearly?

By learning to recieve a compliment. Believing the good things instead of just the bad things.

Looking for what you love about yourself in the mirror instead of every imperfection. I smile at myself and say, 'God your gorgeous!" every time I look in the mirror and blow myself a kiss.

I celebrate every small success with ridiculous levels of joy!

And finally...

I make sure I dance a little bit, sing a little bit and sex a little bit every day! Keeps me smiling. The three staples of the joy and delight diet for me!

Try it, you might like it! Loving yourself, even if for just a moment a day, it is the most rewarding work you will ever do.