If Hindsight is 2020; Then Could 2020 Have Been Amazing?!

2020, my gawd it gives me shivers to remember, for me it was the best/worst/weirdest/most amazing roller coaster year of my life.

My husband I decided to split amicably after ten years on Valentine's Day and people always go, "Ohhhh, sorry" when they hear that but for me it was the most romantic day of my life because now I was free to find love again. When I left for work that day and was saying good bye to my husband he went up to give me a high five and I said I thought it best we hug it out after ten years. I was hopeful, rejuvenated and the prospect of dating again seemed like such a novel idea to me and I was curious and optimistic until Covid started to creep into our lives and boom, two weeks later lockdown.

Mega depression ensued all of spring, I felt trapped again but in a new way, now I was trapped and alone. It was terrifying. But it was those feelings which made for the freedom of summer to be all the more sweet. Things were evening out; the crisis' were averted and I was going to make it even if the world did still seem like it was falling apart I was keeping myself together.

By fall things were looking really good. I was in love with myself, with life, and with a new fellow. The future felt so bright that when the lawyer called to say my separation was final and I needed to sign some papers, I rejoiced! It was the last piece, financial freedom from my husband. I was now free to rebuild my life as I envisioned it. I signed my separation papers at the lawyer's office on 15th of November and I was free for three days until I got my biopsy results back and was diagnosed with breast cancer on 17th! I was like, "What the actual fuck 2020!?! Enough is Enough Already!" Separated on a Tuesday and Cancer on a Thursday.

Until this past year, I had followed that old fashioned adage that God or the Universe never gives you more than you can handle but then 2020 comes and goes and you are like, is there even a God?

I have always been lucky, who meets THE love of their life during COVID in a random scramble to find a 'dedicated pandemic partner' we stumbled upon seven amaze balls months of bliss together... but he bails on me about a week or two into my diagnosis. Wow, talk about a tough take.

Then, three days before Christmas during a global pandemic lockdown-no less, sorry we need more biopsies. Fuck you 2020, like for reals man, like just stop. I hate you already. Insert a gazillion sad emojies here and yet why am I so fucking and happy and at peace?

Cancer gave me an immediate tune up. My inner dialogue due to depression can be grim, I have had years where every time there is a quiet moment in my head I hear that voice saying it wants to just die already. For so long I thought that was me, but this year I am learning it is only a part of me, a chemical imbalance that can be managed. With my diagnosis thought I feared that my body had listened to that voice saying for so many years that it wanted to die but now I want nothing more to than to live. Like I said, cancer gave me a tune up, this was like a life over limb moment, my brain had to focus all its energy now to the cancer because I chose to live, I want to live. We have a lot of work to do to make sure the mental health stays head high above water so the body is getting consistent messages for continued survival.

I decided that this was happening for me and not to me and I am treading water. Having just lost 140 lbs over the last two years 70 before and 70 after bariatric surgery, this was a crazy year to be learning a new lifestyle but it's working. I am the healthiest I have ever been in my life considering I have cancer, to me it seems so ironic.

When you get diagnosed with a major illness there are gifts, I found out how loved I am by the truly overwhelming amount of support from friends, family, coworkers, community members.

One friend who owns a women's clothing boutique in small town Manitoba sent me a box full of my favorite types of clothes from her store when I got diagnosed so I could do cancer in high style.

A neighbour of mine noticed I wasn't doing well in the spring and summer keeping up with my garden without my husband. He worked tirelessly while I was back home in Manitoba for a funeral to whip my garden back into shape before I got back and since then he just kept helping. He is living with cancer too and is an older bachelor so I have started to cook wholesome meals for him in exchange. This feels like community.

When my husband and I separated in February we had been running an Airbnb. I had a guest form Korea who was here through it all decided to stay on living with me until she knew I was going to be okay. Her name is Sun and she is has been pure sunshine for me all year. Like a sister.

Another neighbour arranged for a Bye-Bye Booby Boudoir Shoot for me to remember my breasts, she fasciliated this by engaging a photographer in the community who offered to do it for free.

People are kind.

The world is good.

You see what you are looking for.

I am finding reasons to want to live.

Love.

Family.

Community.

Keep breathing.