Tips for Staying Safe This Lick-A-Doorknob Day

As we all know, International Lick-A-Doorknob Day is right around the corner, and while I’m certain our fellow revelers abroad will take as many precautions as possible, here in the United States, I am not so certain of our ability to control ourselves. In the midst of the Covid-19 pandemic, our fellow Americans still traveled in record numbers to go be with loved ones for Thanksgiving and Halloween, and I fear more still will be traveling to go lick doorknobs with their friends and family across the country this December 11 when we all converge upon doorknobs and lick them. I would like to share a few tips and tricks for staying safe this Lick-A-Doorknob season, so we can all stay healthy in time for a Covid-19 vaccine early next year.

Tip 1: Consider only licking doorknobs at home this year!

This might be difficult to do. Obviously, you’ve spent the greater part of the year cooped up at home, learning new skills, watching new TV shows. You just want to travel someplace nice, like down south where it’s warmer. And it’s especially difficult this year. I personally have never spent a Lick-A-Doorknob Day at the house I grew up in, but this year, I am, because it’s just too dangerous for my family to travel down south to meet up with my aunts and uncles and cousins and grandma to go lick doorknobs. The doorknob-licking absolutely won’t be the same this year. The point of International Lick-A-Doorknob Day is to spend time with a wider-reaching community, and it’s just not as fun over Zoom. But, to keep Grandma safe, it’s worth it.

Tip 2: Maybe lick only 6-8 doorknobs this year!

This one’s a doozy, too, I know. The point of Lick-A-Doorknob Day is to spread doorknob-licking cheer high and low, to everyone everywhere. But maybe it would be wiser to put less emphasis on quantity and more on quality. Do you really need to attend your office doorknob-licking party, or your friend’s weird doorknob-licking mixer? It’s safer to limit your doorknob-licking sphere to 6-8 doorknobs this year, to limit the amount of contact you have with other doorknob-licking revelers, so we can all lick doorknobs safely.

Tip 3: Consider wrapping doorknobs in a protective layer of Cellophane before licking them!

Obviously this isn’t the same as the real thing, and obviously people aren’t going to be happy. Your crazy uncle is bound to say something like, “God didn’t make my tongue with a protective layer of plastic. Why should I use one!” My tip? Weaponize the children in the family. Adults don’t respond well to other adults telling them to take basic health precautions, but Uncle Larry isn’t going to react quite so violently when his grand-nephew Timmy asks, “Mommy, why isn’t Uncle Larry wrapping that doorknob in plastic before licking it? Is he trying to kill us all?” He might even feel ashamed of himself. Long story short, plastic wrap works. The CDC and WHO have released multiple studies that have shown that if everyone wrapped a doorknob in plastic wrap before licking it, then removed the plastic wrap, the number of doorknob-based Covid infections would be next to zero. Save a life. Wrap it before you lick it.

Tip 4: Remember the holiday’s Pagan roots!

You’ve heard the stories of the origins of Lick-A-Doorknob Day, where it celebrates the day Baby Jesus licked his first doorknob. However, what if I told you that Biblical scholars actually placed the Holy Door-Licking somewhere around March or April, and the Catholic Church actually moved the holiday to December in order to appeal to late Pagan religions? The date was selected to conflict with the Pagan festival Saturnalia, wherein, and keep in mind I am not a scholar on this subject, households would gather in large groups and lick one another’s doorframes, as doorknobs had not been invented yet. This was done to build community trust and, some scholars speculate, it may have helped build herd immunity for certain plagues, as viruses manifested in lesser quantities on doorframes. Obviously, it is not the same thing as the doorknob, but if you are looking for a safer alternative in your cluster, it is very easy to just lick different parts of the doorframe rather than just the doorknob.

Tip 5: Remember the reason for the season!

Lick-A-Doorknob Day isn’t about the doorknobs. It’s about the friends and family you have, and I know it will be an especially difficult holiday to get through if you can’t lick doorknobs together. But what the United States needs now more than ever is a sense of devotion to the safety of our communities. We’ve lost that lately, with people jeopardizing the health of themselves and those close to them by going out to bars and beaches and political rallies, partying like there isn’t a deadly pandemic spreading. It’s selfish, and this season isn’t about selfishness. So when you lick doorknobs this year, remember: We lick doorknobs apart now so we can all lick doorknobs together next year. Have a blessed Lick-A-Doorknob Day, and whatever other holidays you may celebrate this month.