The Worst Exercise Playlist

Anyone who looks at my body knows that I don’t exercise nearly as much as I ought to. I’ve gained forty pounds since the start of this pandemic, in part because I’ve transitioned from an active university lifestyle of walking frantically everywhere while jamming out to sick tunes, into a sedentary lifestyle of sitting in my old satellite chair, munching on whatever food I’ve brought upstairs with me and rewatching old episodes of sitcoms that premiered when I was too young to stay awake through the whole show. But that’s beside the point. Truth be told, I do not live an active lifestyle. Frankly, I never have. For the most part, it’s been due to circumstance that I’ve gotten even a modicum of exercise in. But, Vocal has been pestering me to drop an exercise playlist for a few days now, so here we are.

The Cloud Atlas Sextet

I have not listened to this song in quite some time, and frankly, all I remember about it is that it’s from the film Cloud Atlas. My ex-girlfriend was bitter about it because there is an actual piece in the film called The Cloud Atlas Sextet which does not actually appear on the film’s original soundtrack. I think the lady who played Cat Woman was in that movie. And Woody from Toy Story. But I digress. Truth be told, this is an awful song to work out to. One of the worst. It’s pleasant-sounding, but not motivational at all. It’s more suitable to sitting on a high balcony, sipping a warm beverage and pondering the circular nature of life and time and the universe. But I don’t care for warm beverages. Moving on.

Temporary Secretary

Written by Sir Paul McCartney, Temporary Secretary offers an answer to the question, “What if music made you feel the worst things imaginable?” Critics have hailed this single as “a song not necessarily ahead of its time, but rather removed from the flow of time completely.” I agree. Every time I listen to this piece of music, I weep. I also laugh. I feel the full spectrum of every human emotion in the worst possible way. Does that burn calories? I’m not sure. But it sure does burn something in me.

The theme song from Curb Your Enthusiasm, on repeat, forever

Can’t stop exercising if your playlist never ends. Right?

Back in Black, specifically the cover by Wing

Imagine all the rousing instrumentals and woodchipper-esque vocals of this classic by AC/DC, but sung by a dainty Japanese woman with a MIDI keyboard. This is a work of art that should only be accompanied by strenuous physical activity. I love this cover, not because it’s good, but because it’s there.

W.A.P. by Gilbert Gottfried

Let me tell you something. Cardi B Megan Thee Stallion covered this song from Gilbert Gottfried, not the other way around. I know chronologically and anatomically, that does not make sense. An awful lot of life doesn’t make sense. Pair this with some Kegels and you’ll be all set, I think.

And that’s it. Those are my top five songs for an exercise playlist. I hope Vocal is happy with me. Note how I did not include one solid workout song. I certainly did not bring up the Spirit: Stallion of the Cimarron soundtrack, wherein a lot of Hans Zimmer’s tracks such as Run Free have excellent forward momentum that make for a great training soundtrack, nor did I bring up the discography Skald, which deals heavily in heavily-percussive Norse music. No, this playlist was hand-picked to be as ineffectual as possible for your next workout. You know why? Because honestly, I just don’t care. Good luck, stay safe, get toned or whatever.