The Eye of the Beholder

Oh my, oh my! Tonight I sit here contemplating the power of words. I don't know about the rest of you, but I grew up with that little childhood claim that "sticks and stones may break your bones, but words can never hurt me." I am here to proclaim that the claim is WRONG! It is so wrong that it should be classified as an outright lie! Words can often leave bruises that take decades to heal; some so hurtful I think the essence of the initial punch often leaves a single bruise that can be felt to the present day.

We can forgive, we can move beyond, but the truth is we don't truly forget the power those words had over us, so when words from the past suddenly become manifested and increased in the present day, they pack a punch so strong it can completely take away one's breath. I know this to be truth, because it just happened to me.

Recently, I joined a group of ladies who are all on a 30 day quest to learn to love our own bodies. This has been a struggle of mine for the majority of my life. One look in the mirror and I can cut myself down better than most. I absolutely cannot stand to have my picture taken. It is like a freeze frame of myself that provides ample opportunity to truly discover all I dislike about all my features as photographs reveal us frozen in time.

To make matters worse, my self esteem had really taken a hit in the last couple of years due to a neck injury. I was in so much pain, it hurt to brush my hair, so eighteen months ago, I cut the majority of it all off. It was too difficult to brush due to my spinal chord being crimped causing massive nerve irritation. Now, when I say I cut it off, I mean I cut it off! It is now just barely long enough to add some curl or rather some bounce, some volume, rather than having it lie thin and flat.

Now, to current day and the group I belong to. Part of this growth challenge I am in currently involves learning to like the image of myself in pose ~ pictures ~ stills and in the mirror. With that being said, I had taken the time to curl and style my hair in order to take a selfie. I took this selfie, cropped it and put it up as my profile picture on my social media page. It was not even a day later that I got the most hurtful message in my inbox:

Commenter: Why did you change your profile picture? This one does not flatter you. I hope I didn't/don't hurt your feelings.

My reply: No, you didn't. It was part of a challenge. I never take my own pic ~ my camera sucks and I have no practice with selfies.

End of story. I went back and looked at my picture and thought, yeah ~ it isn't great but I don't like any of my pictures so I left it alone. That is until the next day (yesterday), when I got this message:

Wendy, LOOK at this picture. I'm telling you YOU ARE BEAUTIFUL, THIS PICTURE IS NOT. Your eyes are crossing, "I think" because you do not have your glasses on, and the fact it looks like your camera is RIGHT IN YOUR FACE, (anyone's would like like that IMO) whatever the challenge don't accept it. Your hair, this pic looks like you just got out of bed, you look so sad, EVEN Pitiful, and I really don't think you want to be seen all over social media with this look. If you want to leave it, obviously your choice, but I'm pretty sure this is not the image you want. I'm telling you it's creepy so S T O P.

I am telling you, I could not breathe for a full minute, hot tears rushed down my face. This was way worse than "not flattering". It was like me saying to me everything I have been tearing myself apart for all of my camera conscious life. In the end, I took the pic down and replaced it with an object; a covid-19 egg.

After some ladies in my challenge party saw what I had done, I was encouraged to put my photo back up. In the end, I put up an old photo taken by a professional 9 years ago. I don't like it either, but it was the only other one I had of me. This literally enraged all of my friends. They insisted I put the newer picture back up, but I could not bear to get more negative feedback, so instead, I childishly shared why I had removed it.

I did state that this person commented that they thought I was beautiful and that they were only taking issue with my picture. I did not name names, I just stated that the reason I had removed the photo was because I had been told how badly it was viewed by someone. I laid in bed defeated. I over ate on chips and salsa and still feeling raw went to bed. You could easily count the day a loss for my ego.

As it often happens, I woke up in the middle of the night and decided I needed to journal all of this and when I went to copy verbatim my conversation from messenger, I discovered more!

Obviously I hurt you and I am truly sorry. It wasn’t your lazy eye as I said I thought it was being so close to the camera that caused it. IF YOU LIKED THAT PICTURE OF YOU YOU SHOULD HAVE LEFT IT UP. BUT NO YOU HAD TO REMOVE IT.

At this point, I find myself once again shaken. I try to not offend others, I try to have adult conversations and discussions without harm. These days, that talent is getting harder and harder. I did no harm to this person, threw back no insults and didn't openly convict them of cruel words. I have yet to even reply to any of this outside of my blog here, nor will I, for I don't feel there is anything to say. I have no response.

My only advice is when you want to help another woman out with how she looks, don't tear her apart after you give a compliment. You can be honest without being so harsh. Maybe I'm over sensitive in this area, honestly I know I am. With that being said, I am off to bed once again. Tomorrow is a new day. May my day be kinder and blessed and may yours be as well!

Wendy Glidden