The 8000th Immortal

Script for Live Feed: Nummy, 13 June, 17:30

Good afternoon, Chat, and a very special hello to all you Nummy Nibblers who subscribe at the platinum level and above. I love you so much!

Babes, have I got the announcement of all announcements for you. I, your humble streamer slash commentator slash fashionista, am on my way to Sonsonate, El Salvador!

(Delighted squeal)

That's right, chat. Eternahealth, formerly known as GE-Regeneron-Pfizer, has invited me! Nummy! To compete for the eight thousandth dose of Evernew!

Couldn’t you just eat it all up? Nom, nom, nomnomnom NUMMY!

Tune in to Season Fifty-Six of Ascension Island to watch me go toe-to-toe with twenty-three other normal humans for the grand prize.

(Echo effect) Immortality! (/Echo effect)

And guess what? I will still be streaming, too! I’ll be working with the Ascension Island producers to give you exclusive behind-the-scenes content, curated just for Nummy Nibblers. The more viewer votes I get, the longer I last. The longer I last, the more you get to see of Evernew!

When I win, I will be the eight thousandth person on Earth to Ascend. No more aging. No sickness. Ultra-healing from most injuries. Chat, if you love me even one tenth as much as I love you, then vote for me on Ascension Island Season Fifty-Six.

I love you all so much I could just eat you up. Nom, nom, nomnomnom NUMMY!

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Transcript of Vlog: Jason Moran, 13 June, 18:02

Hey everybody. Looks like the press releases are out and the relevant clause of my NDA has been met, so I can let y’all know what’s up.

You did it. I’m so grateful to you all. You did it. I’m really on my way to Sonsonate.

When my last round of chemotherapy didn’t work, I almost gave up hope. Doctors told me that the chance of surviving long enough for insurance to cover gene-edit therapy was tiny. Now, thanks to you all—thanks to your GoFundMe contributions, the #VeteransDeserve campaign, and especially thanks to that petition to Eternahealth, I have a real chance.

My odds of beating cancer went from one in a gazillion to one in twenty-four.

My dad told me that his abuelo grew up in El Salvador, before News Corp bought it. So, it’s like, really meaningful to my family that I get to visit Sonsonate before I… well, it’ll either be the last place I see, or it will be the last place to see me like this, you know?

Thank you, everybody. Thank you. And if you can watch me on Ascension Island and vote for me, I’d really appreciate that too. God bless you.

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Excerpt of text chain: Edalia Kennedy and Rebecca Swaine, 15 June, 8:15

Edalia Kennedy: Becky what the actual fuck

Rebecca Swaine: Good morning Mrs. Kennedy. I’m eager to understand the problem and help resolve it.

K: My PA just showed me the list of AI56 contestants. I don’t have you bitches on retainer so you can model Gucci skirt suits.

S: Of course not, Mrs. Kennedy. Bunch, Swaine and Carmichael are at your service for all your legal needs, as evidenced by your successful inclusion in the list of this year’s Ascension Island contestants.

K: There’s a handsome young veteran w/ cancer on that list

K: There’s a bimbo with huge boobs and only one leg

K: There’s a single father of five and his oldest brat is some sort of alphabet-rainbow-whatever

K: Well??

S: The AI56 producers did mention that they amp up the drama with high-pathos, low-viability “candidates.”

K: This is ridiculous. Why can’t I just buy my dose of Evernew?

S: Perhaps it would help to think of Evernew doses like Birkin Bags.

K: I CAN BUY BIRKIN BAGS BECKY

S: YOU can buy Birkin Bags, Mrs. Kennedy. If some upper-middle-class nobody saved up enough money, strolled into Hermès and asked for a Birkin, she’d be told they’re out of stock. She’s no Edalia Kennedy. She doesn’t have a reputation for timeless style or refined taste.

K: Go on

S: Participation in Ascension Island is one of the steps you’ll take to build your reputation with the Immortals. They already know your social, political, and capital appeals. Now they want to ensure you’ll abide by the policies deemed most favorable to Eternahealth shareholders.

K: And how will I build that reputation when all the votes are going to that awful influencer who live-streams her showers and makes disgusting eating noises?

S: We’ve already bought votes for you, Mrs. Kennedy. Your ratings will be in the sixtieth percentile until The Culling, then the seventy-third in following episodes. You’ll experience a dramatic dip after the Episode Eighteen “change of fortunes” and then a surge in popularity for the last few weeks.

K: Oh

K: Good

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Excerpt from Buzzfeed listicle “6 Shocking Things Less Expensive Than Ascension Island Ads”: Derek Willow, 16 June, 10:56

It's no secret that Evernew is the most expensive medical treatment on Earth. Between the rarity of the natural ingredients, the length of time invested in the process, and the careful vetting process for potential new Immortals, Eternahealth spends approximately $4M North American Dollars (€4.87M Afrikeuros) on every single dose of Evernew. But did you know that the advertisement campaign for Ascension Island Season Fifty-Six costs even more?

According to the latest Corporate Transparency Hack published by Al Jazeera, Eternahealth spent a whopping $5.2M NAD (€6.33M AEU) just to advertise a reality show. Sure, Ascension Island is the uncontested most important program of modern entertainment. Billions of people tune in to watch the gory, tragic, and/or humorous deaths of 23 people and the Ascension of the winner. Besides, contestants can come from literally any walk of life. There’s a spark in almost every viewer’s heart that says, “Next year, it could be me.”

So why does Eternahealth feel the need to spend so much money on advertising? Why does the Ascension Island logo appear with our wake-up alarms and on our ration tickets? Here are six shocking things that would cost Eternahealth less than their AI56 ad campaign.

1. A dose of Evernew

That’s right. If Eternahealth just trusted us enough to watch the show and vote for the next Immortal, they could cut back on ad sales and literally just Ascend another person.

2. Housing for the entire Seattle-Portland Megalopolis for six months

Taking into account the median mortgage payments, property taxes, and rents of every single district, plus the estimates for homing the unhoused population per the Every Child Under Roofs Foundation, housing literally every person from Mt. Vernon to Eugene for six months would cost $4.71M NAD (€5.73M AEU)…

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Headlines from the News Feed for white men between the ages of 25 and 42 within 80km of Seattle: Algorithmically compiled, 16 June, 12:17

Freak Accident Smashes Defunct Satellite Into Seattle Office

Four Dead, Six Wounded in Satellite Snafu

Nine Ugly Truths About A Popular Housing Foundation

Wardrobe Tips for Men from Ascension Island’s Chief Stylist

Buzzfeed Office Struck By Space Trash

Quiz: Which Type Of Immortal Would You Be?

Scientists Graft Cybernetic Corals On Remains Of Pacific Reefs

Eternahealth Donates $25k To Help Survivors Of Buzzfeed Office Tragedy

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Transcript of Video Letter: Jaylynne Quince, 28 June, 16:13

Hi, Baby. I know they tried to prepare us for the official sequester, but it feels weird to record this for you without being able to hear and see you too. I want to ask questions like, “How did your thermodynamics quiz go?” And, “Do you really think you’re going out the door in that outfit?”

Your semester will be done before the season finale airs. Then I guess you’ll have to wait a week for this message and any others I want to put together for you. I’ll probably be dead then.

I know, Baby, I know. “Stay positive.” You were always ragging on me to hope. And it worked this far. I kept up my spirits and I kept up with my prayers. Every time that gat-danged Rheumatoid Arthritis made my joints swell up and hurt, I kept telling myself, “My daughter may be a grown up all on her own now, but she still needs a role model.” Thinking about you like that always pushed me to take the next step. Whatever that next step was.

Look at me. Look at this room. Everything feels so unreal. Look at this here. You can see palm trees out of my window. Eighty-something percent of the places that these things used to grow is all desert now, and I got them right outside my bedroom. I get meals with real fresh food in them two whole times a day. I haven’t even seen a tube of cricket paste on this whole island. Even the staff here is eating clams and shrimp. It feels like I’m not even on the same planet anymore.

So you’ve got to forgive me if I can’t stay positive any more. I’m in your time zone but I’m not on your world. I’m in Ascension Island Land. I’m in Eternahealth’s money-machine. Last week I had holes in my shoes and today, I placed fourth in a gat-danged cravat tying competition. That was the first official challenge! Tying fancy bows around the necks of fancy mannequins because Heaven forbid a single one of us “potential Immortals” doesn’t know how to be fancy, too.

It's unreal, Baby. It’s unreal.

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Transcript of Vlog: Jason Moran, 15 July, 21:20

I, um. I don’t know where to start.

That’s not really true, I guess. It’s more like, I don’t want to start.

But y’all need context, right? None of these are going to be released until after the season finale. You already know what happened in Episode Six. It was even a long time ago for you. But for me it’s, you know, fresh.

I’m recording this at the end of the day on Tuesday, the fifteenth of July. We’re on the second day of our watercraft challenges, because we potential Immortals have to be, heheh, we have to be ready to join the yacht club.

(Laughter)

Oh Heavenly Father, please give me strength. I must sound like a lunatic.

(Laughter)

It really isn’t funny. I don’t want to disrespect the lady who died. Edalia Kennedy, she didn’t deserve to drown. No one does. And now that she’s gone she deserves to be remembered with grace and dignity. For goodness sake, grace was practically her brand. She was all heirloom pearls and Kentaro Kameyama dresses.

(Sigh)

She was a person. She lived. She dreamed. She wanted to be something more, just like me and the other twenty-two people jumping through all these hoops. But she died.

I barely knew her. I feel like I am supposed to grieve her loss for her own sake, but we barely spoke at all. I can’t see her die and not immediately wonder, who is next? Is it the heavy-drinking post-doc from Hong Kong? Is it the poet from Mombasa? Is it me?

If this contest doesn’t kill me, then I will watch another twenty-two people die. I can’t win unless I participate in the games—hah! The “games!”—that kill them.

(Silence)

If I win, I’ll become Immortal. I’ll outlive every single person I’ve known and loved.

(Silence)

Did y’all see me get sick with cancer and then think about your own mortality?

Did y’all grieve for losing me when I was still right there, available to make new happy memories?

Did y’all ask yourselves what it would be like to live with the memories of me fading away?

(Silence)

May the good Lord have mercy on my soul. I thought if any of us could manage sailing it’d be Mrs. East-Coast-Private-School-Pony-Stables-Silver-Spoons.

What am I even doing here?

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Script for Life Feed: Nummy, 14 October, 6:15

(To the tune of “We’re In The Money”)

We’re in the Culling, we’re in the Culling

We’re getting hunted by Immortals who have guns

We’re in the Culling, the drama’s enthralling

Of ten survivors I am sure that I’ll be one

We’re in the Culling, I’m in the running,

Remember: vote for Nummy, Nummy, nom nom num!

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Transcript of deleted footage from Platinum Plus feed: Nummy, 29 October, 23:43

Babes, you’ve got me so far and I’m doing literally everything I can for you… I want you to be entertained, but it’s so much more. I want you to feel like you’re really in on my life with me. I love you so much. Chat, you’re…

(Sniff)

You’re the closest thing I’ve ever had to a friend.

(Silence)

I watched seventeen people die recently.

You might be like, “Oh Nummy, you’ve got the number wrong. So far, only fifteen contestants died.” Well, that’s officially correct. There is no evidence that an assistant grip got eaten by caiman, and the Immortals are perfect with perfectly calm temperaments and they would never accidentally put a bullet through the skull of a PA just because she brought a latte with too few packets of perfect monkfruit sweetener! So forget I said the wrong number! Fifteen! I saw fifteen…

I saw people die. I ran through an agility course; I learned how to taste the difference between Pinot Noir from Newfoundland, Pinot Noir from Siberia, and Pinot Noir laced with arsenic; I dodged and hid from bullets so that other people would die instead of me. But tomorrow…

I have watched every episode of Ascension Island since my birth. I saw twenty-two years of duels—yeah, gotcha, I’m not really a teen idol. My producers make me lie about my age so I can trend in the “barely legal” demographic for ephebophilic creepers. Whatever. My point is I knew that competing on Ascension Island meant either dying or killing. I understood this fact. Everyone knows it!

I just didn’t feel its reality until now.

I have to fight a duel against Jaylynne Quince. She’s, like, the Internet's Mama. She’s like a mom to everyone here. She gave me a cool washcloth for my headache on the second week of the show.

What is immortality worth? One dose of Evernew is, like, a bajillion Afrikeuros, but what does it really cost?

Um. Thanks for hearing me out, Nummy Nibblers. I love you. I’ll do my best for you tomorrow, and every day after, too.

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Headlines from the News Feed of South Asian women between the ages of 42 and 63 within 80km of Jakarta: Algorithmically compiled, 8 November, 05:00

AI56 Victor Jason Moran’s Glow Up In 15 Photos

“When He Was Mortal,” Interviews With The Folks Moran Left Behind

Eternahealth Buys High School Chemistry Student’s Bone Repair Recipe

Doctors Are Afraid You’ll Erase Wrinkles With This Skin Hack

Fertility Past Fifty: What You Need To Know

Caiman Not So Threatening As You Might Think

How To Get On Ascension Island Season Fifty-Seven