Stroke

Before 2009, I was actively singing in a professional group touring cities, making albums, and loving every minute of the performances because I felt that I wanted to minister to the messes. Plus, I was a mother of a disabled child who I love more than anything on earth. I graduated from college with a degree in social work and I worked in church on several boards like hospitality, decorating, user, and outreach worker.

I never really valued my abilities like my memory of versus to songs, and musical parts to the songs, performing full concerts on short notice. I was dating my future husband and I didn't think that I could be happier until one day during church service in 04/2009. We were giving praise to God. This time I was in the audience and not singing but enjoying myself. I had stood up to say aloud “amen” when a strong headache hit me then it turned into a migraine that I never felt before. I sat down thinking if I sit still and take an aspirin it may go away but I realize that I couldn’t move my body to reach for my purse. I grabbed my fiancé’s hand who looked at me wondering what’s wrong from the look on my face. I couldn’t respond to him. He quickly called the user, and they got a nurse who was in the church that day. They had to get me out but I couldn’t get up on my own, so a male from behind me had stood me up by pulling me up from behind and it scared me so bad that I peed myself.

They finally wheeled out of the service in which appeared to be moving along without knowing what was happening. They told me that they have called an ambulance and while waiting in the lobby they quickly got the pastor who arrived at the same time as the paramedics. The nurse from the church told them what happened to me and one of the paramedics asked me my name and I tried to respond, but and I couldn’t. My headache was getting worse and I couldn’t tell them. All I could do is pray to God for his help. Then, I force myself to speak because I needed to say my name, and the voice that came from me was like a deaf person trying to speak for the first time, and it shocked everyone even my pastor because they all quickly placed the hand over their months with a gap. I knew I was in trouble.

My fiancé was claimed and held my hand as the paramedics rushed me to the ambulance. I was rushed to Abbott Northwestern Hospital. When I got to the hospital, they were waiting for me and rushed me into a room took an ex-ray then rushed me into surgery. When I woke up, I was in intensive care with my fiancé next to me holding my hand. The nurse came to me saying she needed my pro mission to allow people from church to come to visit and I couldn’t see anything but gave a nod yes. I could see images of people coming into the room, and I raised my hand, and it was met by my pastor praying for me. They all wanted to rush to the hospital just to check on me because I scared them so bad. They didn’t stay long because the nurse made sure to tell them to leave and she was able to tell them what happened to me and heard them gaps again. All I could do it thank god that I was alive to hear them. Later, I was told by the doctor that I had a stroke, and it damaged my left side of my brain but with work, I will be able to see and function again. I was in the hospital for 2 weeks with extreme rehab services and I couldn’t use my memory like I use to. Some of the activities they scheduled for me were extremely hard and I was frustrated because using my memory was never an issue before. After, one of the evaluations they recommended that I do not do any complicated work that required precise details and recommended to me not to work in social services, but to work where not a lot of details are used. Plus, they recommend me to stop driving because of my condition. I was hurt because social services were all I knew, and I was good at it.

When I couldn’t remember any song to sing then I fell into despair, but I didn’t tell anybody from my church. The pastor told them to allow me some time to heal before calling on me to sing. However, other churches who knew me did not get the memo since I was a prominent singer a lot of churches knew me. In my church world, you just can’t say that you can’t sing because of my condition they don’t understand it, so I would leave their services abruptly and I heard they were terribly upset with me. I couldn’t sing in the choir or groups anymore and I had a tough time accepting what just happened to me. I realize that a lot of singers take their ability to memorize lyrics to songs lightly and then thought to myself it never came to mind until I couldn’t do it any longer and it hurt. People were so mad at me for not singing or going out to sing anymore and they would tell me to get back out there to sing but what they could not understand that I couldn’t remember anything, not even the simplest songs. My singing friends were the hardest on me and called me a quitter, and I shouldn’t allow the devil to trick me into not singing, they would tell me to get up and get out there. When I tried to tell them, what was happening to my memory they would ignore me and tell me to get up anyway. So, I had let go of a lot of friends and I didn’t go visiting other churches anymore. However, when returned to my own church and they would tell me that I didn’t look like I had a stroke, so they didn’t understand that my brain did not have memory. I thought to myself that they were expecting me to show physically the damage the stroke did to me, so I moved on. My son and fiancé were the only people in my corner and who supported my decision to stop singing they knew it hurt me, but I needed time. So, I resigned from my job in social services and went into collections and customer service jobs. Some days I felt like I wanted to kill myself, but I would wait until tomorrow to try it and this was an everyday activity that went on for years. Soon people didn’t care if I were in their church or not and they wouldn’t call on me to sing anymore. One day in 2017, a friend of mine called saying that she has found this church where they use stands with the words to sing songs so you could not forget what the song, and she wanted me to be a special guest soloist for their choir concert. I said yes and I been at the same church for years. In the same year, I enrolled in college thinking that now I can remember more songs than before and believed that I can try to remember educational materials. Anyhow, I graduated with honors as a medical coder. I was so happy because my memory came back. It's not like it use to be, but it is a lot better since my stroke. After college, I reflected on my past and how I survived my fear that I realized that my brain needed time to heal, it’s different from before, but I’m able to remember a lot more then I use to, and my despair has disappeared. I now look forward to what is next for me.