Social Distancing is Screwing with My Mental Health

I had every intention of writing something more meaningful, more powerful. Something that may help others or make an impact. But as I sat on my couch evaluating each option and the content it would include, I found myself thinking about everything else... then eventually thinking about nothing.

I've been stuck in my house, more or less, since March 13th. I haven't done or seen much of anything or anyone aside from those who live with me, and we are driving each other crazy. My kids are bored and the weather has been less than cooperative for outside play. My husband is still working, from home, and I can feel his frustration seeping from his pores. Our roommate spends most of her time in her room, probably trying to avoid the craziness that is our household. And I don’t blame her, because I would too.

I would do anything to be completely alone for just a short moment. Truly alone, with the silence and calmness it brings. I’m not one to enjoy being alone, but having uninterrupted time to myself to sort through my thoughts and emotions has been one of the few healthy ways I cope during tough times. Doing this has only become more difficult since the stay-at-home order, especially with two young children.

Prior to losing my job and being stuck at home, I was feeling lower than usual, like my depression was creeping back into my life. Always tired, always stressed, always worrying, always upset. I knew exactly what was coming, but things changed when the world began shutting down. Suddenly, I was thrown into a completely different setting and I was not prepared for it.

The past two months have consisted of lots of tears, numbness, sadness, frustration, fear, and feelings of inadequacy. I'm sleeping too much, but never feel rested. I'm not eating well, hardly at all, but not on purpose. My mind is filled with worries about things I can't control, and some things that I can... but I don't have the energy or desire to change them. Always knowing I NEED to be productive, but never caring enough to do so. It's a vicious cycle that I've been dealing with for years.

This time feels different though. I have a husband and two boys that need me to be reliable and productive and positive. But there's been times where I just can't do it. I lose my temper and have very little patience. I shut down and keep my feelings to myself until I explode. Being stuck in this house with little to no idea of when things will begin to change has completely screwed with my mental health. As if it weren't bad enough already feeling that downward spiral coming on, a global pandemic happened and put it into full swing.

I worry the most about my husband losing his patience with me, no longer seeing potential in me, or realizing that my mental health illnesses have taken control of my mind. Again. I feel lost within myself, like I no longer know who I am, more so than before. I've tried to think positively, manifest positivity, and surround myself with positivity. Sometimes it works, sometimes it doesn't.

Maybe I'm feeling this way because today is a bad day, a difficult day. I tell myself that in hopes that I'll wake up tomorrow and feel just a little bit better. Hope is something I try to never let go of, even on my worst days. If I have hope, even a little, I know things will turn around. I just have to keep telling myself that better days are coming, even if I don't know when. If I can hang on until then, everything will be okay.