Sleepless Thoughts

There were many sleepless nights. Tossing and turning throughout the bed, moving from the bed to the couch to the floor- trying to find some form of comfort.

But the truth is, maybe there was no easy comfort.

The clock kept ticking, as I slowly began to give in and accept the pain. I began listening to every racing thought in my brain, to every noise in the wall, to the beating of my heart.

My body slowly sunk into the mattress. The same twin size mattress I’ve had since college. It was surprising how comfortable it still felt.

Have you ever actually listened to those thoughts? All of them?

As I’m listening to my thoughts, I eventually found some type of peace. At least enough to close my eyes for a nap. Maybe I just need to be heard. I don’t need an answer or a plan, just heard by someone.

There were so many racing thoughts, they were stacked and stacked, speaking over each other like a child with no patience. I could barely hear myself think in order to acknowledge all of them. I probably sound crazy.

A normal person would say this is crazy, right?

How do I un-do this? How do I become un-crazy? How do I fix myself? … See, here I go again… thinking, talking too much.

I am never at ease, I am never calm, I never stop thinking. good thoughts, bad thoughts, or just pointless thoughts- it never matters. My brain never has a silent moment and has to make something out of everything, even when there are no ingredients to even make anything! ...I bet that didn’t even make sense, did it?

You’re probably thinking “girl, relax” or “stop being dramatic”…

You’re right. I should.

Doctors give us cocktails. And not the fun ones that include friends on a late night Saturday. But the type of cocktail with Ativan, Xanax, Adderall, Wellbutrin. You name it, they got it!

A normal person would think of this as a great time, I imagine. Which is quite annoying. Trust me, its debilitating most days.

Ten minutes of each morning before I go to work is spent shoving pills down my throat just so I can “function”. Most days, those don’t even work. I sit at work tired from the sleepless night. Staring blankly but with a racing mind, unable to focus, intense anxiety, and the depression? You don’t want to know how many times I have cried at work. Trying to hide it by staring at the ceiling thinking the tears will “go back in” like a suction cup. I’ve tried counting backwards, doing simple math to re-route my thoughts, deep breaths, and you know those anxiety exercises were all taught to do when were triggered?

5 things you can see
 4 things you can touch
 3 things you can hear
 2 things you can smell
 1 thing you can taste

That one is my favorite. I have it plastered to my work desk on a post-it note.

Isnt it ironic how we went from having a favorite quote from some corny 90’s movie, to a favorite grounding technique we learned from a therapist after having a panic attack?

But the day comes to an end. I’m greeted with a roof over my head and someone that tells me “I love you” every night. Although, at times my brain needs reassured, and overthinks anything it can, and most nights are spent sleepless. I will do this again, I will acknowledge the thoughts. Every time.

Eventually, I will get the rest I’ve been longing to find.