Patience is the Key

A morning cup of Joe is essential for starting any day off right. It’s hard for me to stop at one. If one works well, wouldn’t two work even better? Plus I like the taste. Over caffeinating myself for years gave me the false belief that I could get more done in less time, burn the candle so to speak at both ends, work hard, play hard and not have to suffer consequences. The worst thing about overcaffeinating myself is that it tends to make me impatient, even anxious.

This is not an article on my trying to stop drinking coffee. Nor is it an article about how drinking less coffee saved my life. I am just setting to tone to describe one of my favorite states of being: energized by the coffee bean.

In 2020, I continued my love of coffee and used it to fuel a quest. For I had this revelation. I’ve worked in the equine industry and ridden horses most of my life. And I had started a job I really liked 4 years prior; and because of this, I slowly decided I wanted to like myself and improve myself so I could really do the things I wanted to do at this dream job in the equine field.

In 2020, my quest led me to discover there is such a thing called Equine Assisted Psychotherapy. I took a clinic in Vermont to learn more about such a topic. And came to the conclusion that led me to ask, “if being around horses is supposed to be healing and therapeutic, why is it that there are so many of us in the field who could use some serious help?

In the clinic we did exercises on getting in touch with our emotions through how they manifest in our physical bodies. We did some written work and shared some stories, and then did some deep breathing. We had the chance to partner with a horse and get ready to ride this unknown horse. Before we set a foot in the stirrup we had to stay still and breath and pay attention to what we were feeling. Having a silent equine support partner, most of us felt the discovery of an honest awareness of what was going on in our bodies and souls. Emotions came to the surface and many had moments of release. Tears were shed and past trauma revealed. Collectively, watching and experiencing these moments, was beautiful and eye opening for me. I felt I was drawn to such work.

When I started my dream horse job, I had gone through many detours and derailments. I was a hell of a lot older; old enough to know I had many riding flaws and my body was becoming more and more physically limited in flexibility and ability. I had years of bad habits in the saddle that do not go away no matter how hard I try. I can take lessons and hear “You’re falling off to the right,” or “Stop pulling on the reins,” or “Where are you looking?”—-anywhere but at the jump I am supposed to be heading to.

One would think that failing to fix these things when I sacrificed many of my weekends and social activities, including performing as an electric bass player in a cover band, to ride horses as part of my work, would lead me to pull my hair out, or quit, but I kept going, in spite of noticing an increase in frustration. Which in turn led to impatience. With myself, my instructor and even my horse. When things didn’t go perfectly, which they rarely do in horseback riding, I would get more and more frustrated. I even began rides already frustrated to the point of tears from thinking of my lack of ability and success within the sport. I have noticed some other riders going through similar difficulties at times.

“I’m trying,” or “It’s not working,” or just “Arrrrgh!” and “He’s just not listening to me!” are some examples of the exasperation coming out of my mouth in lessons. I can remember to this day the heat and tension created from this attitude, and how it must affect the horse as well as my own success rate in having a good ride. It affects my coach as well; at times I was so frustrated with myself that I would be combative in my comments back to her. She would stop the lesson if I was too argumentative. Apparently this was a problem I was going to have to deal with.

As my 50th birthday approached, my mental and physical health was starting to decline. I started getting migraines and painful periods, before they finally ceased. I started experiencing mood swings, rage, tears and irrationality. Is this menopause? I started feeling like the people who surrounded me especially at work were starting to think I was crazy. For awhile I resisted showing my friends how torn inside out I felt. I had always played the role of the strong one in my friends circles, so it was very difficult to start sharing my daily ups and more frequent downs, the emotional meltdowns, anxious insomnia and reactiveness often tears that would not stop for over three hours.

I slowly began drawn to books about sports psychology. And Books to become happier, like Dan Harris’ 10% Happier. There are a plethora of self help books and podcasts on everything from addiction, fear, longevity, and even life coaches, webinars, masterclasses teaching us how to improve our lives. Meditation is making a huge comeback. I started with one book called Atomic Habits, by James Clear and Relentless, by Tim S. Grover. I listened to Tim Ferris’s podcast and tried many things he recommended from Magic Spoon Cereal to Peter Attia’s The Drive podcast, Happier with Gretchen Rubin, and the Sam Harris Waking Up app, for meditating. The list went on and on and on.

I studied Buddhism, and Minimalism. I bought so many supplements from Collagen, to Maca Root, Oregano, Amazing Greens superfood powder for my smoothies, to which I started adding bee pollen and cacao nibs. I tried Wobenzym for joint pain and then Zinzano balance oil and extend joint supplement. I tried therapy, CBD oil, even Celexa.

I had so many different substances going on, that I realized my minimalist intent was not at all being practiced. I couldn’t make meditating a habit. It just didn’t bring me the instant rewards I needed to persist. All the while I kept riding and didn’t enjoy it the way I used to.

My boss actually scheduled a meeting with me. I wasn’t sure what was going to happen. When I sat in her living room, she told me that she had noticed I’d been unhappy for a long time and wanted to know if it was the job or something else. I burst into tears and talked of some of the things at work I felt upset over, even as I knew they were irrational. She listened and empathized, and suggested I used some vacation time and perhaps I was suffering from a bit of burnout.

I did, and started committing to morning pages. I had kept journals most of my life but not religiously lately and wanted to try again. I found myself setting my alarm earlier and earlier so I could read and write. I began rereading some old journals with thoughts of doing some memoir writing. The therapist had suggested this and I found it more helpful than I had originally guessed it to be.

During this time, I also had chosen to give up alcohol. I had been a drinker for several years and rarely thought of it as a problem. I found I couldn’t have more than one drink without ill effect so I gave it up. It was not the first time I had tried sobriety. This time, it was much easier to stop as I realized it felt like poison to me. Lockdown situations with Covid made it easier to avoid liquor stores or bars with friends. And I knew I was not the only one during this pandemic to focus on improving ones physical health.

I started rereading “The Surrender Project” by Michael Singer. I started hiking more. I joined a Meetup group to hike occasionally with strangers who like to do the same things. I weeded out the two men I was considering to date; one for being a heavy drinker with a very different lifestyle than what I wanted to lead, and the other was a man who was very passive and depressed, checked out and not communicative.

I really enjoyed the hiking. And continue to make it a regular practice. But something from reading that book again really sent a message to me. What I needed the most in all areas of my life was to surrender to what the universe was giving me during the present moment. Accept what Is. I tell myself these two things all the time and it really helps.

I see my other employees wanting to pride themselves on how quickly they want to get their work done. I am instead enjoying being mindful as I work. The mindfulness is slowly creeping into every area of my life. I am being patient with the horses. I and listening more. I am being more patient with myself. And my riding lessons are so much more productive. It doesn’t mean I don’t have some negative thoughts at times. When I recognize the negative voice in my head, I try to interrupt it by saying “blah, blah blah!” It give me the pause I need to accept the present, and let it go. Another helpful tool is the one when I am experiencing negative emotions I can choose to reflect on them by saying,

“There is sadness.

There is depression.

There is anger.” Without making any judgements, it makes it easier to let go of the emotions sooner.

Patience then, is slowly blooming. I’m not sure how much of it is from all these books and supplements and trends. It is a subtle practice, but one that is slowly saving my life and making me a better person to be around. And that goes for my own feelings towards myself. I sometimes even like myself again. I’m trying not to compare myself to other riders. I’m enjoying nature and animals. I realize I have different needs than many others, such as a great deal of time alone to decompress. I still make my morning smoothies and do my morning pages. But I am open to what the Universe wants to provide for me. And can only call this peace “Patience,” for now; a hard won gift.