Now Hiring: Aripiprazole Administerer

Would you believe that the key to eternal life wasn’t a holy grail, or a fountain spring, or even God himself? It came from roundworms. Well not exactly, but it was through roundworms that the key was discovered – in 2022, Jiang, et al, by running tests on the parasites, discovered that “The clinically approved antipsychotic aripiprazole holds potential as a novel anti-aging drug.”

Apparently the drug activated the worms’ D2-like receptors which…sorry, I shouldn’t go and torture you with all that. I’m a nerd for that type of stuff, but I’ll spare you the boredom. That was many, many years ago anyway. I was barely out of school then.

Of course, we don’t get access to this eternal life – we don’t get any sort of discounts for working here. And folks like you and me don’t quite have the funds to live forever, if you know what I mean. The second the more affluent of our country discovered the drug’s potential, they set about making it exclusive to the men who could afford it. But, the good news is, by administering aripiprazole to the rich, now I can pay for my insulin. Silver lining, right?

Ok, let’s talk job responsibilities.

The job isn’t very complicated – all you have to do is administer it. And I mean it – you have to administer it. Eternal life is a binding contract. Even when the takers decide they don’t want it anymore.

I know what you’re thinking – who the hell would no longer want eternal life? But turns out, when you give an anti-psychotic drug like aripiprazole to non-psychotic individuals, especially in these higher doses…well, let’s just say the side effects are amplified.

You’ve heard those sing-songy drug commercials before, right – the ones where they list off all the shitty side effects with a smile while perfect people play at the park? Difficulty sleeping, feeling sleepy, feeling anxious, headache, nausea and vomiting, constipation, diarrhea, blurred vision…the list goes on. They got one of those ads for aripiprazole too.

But the biggie here is loss of impulse control. This is the side effect that takes the cake. A lot of the takers lose all ability to control themselves – and they didn’t have much control to begin with, being raised with a silver spoon in the mouth and all.

Take our client Donnie for example – he hasn’t slept in, geez I don’t even know…not in a really, really long time. And his impulse is to eat cheeseburgers – lots and lots of cheeseburgers.

I don’t blame the guy for wanting to call it quits – I mean he has to be rolled through the doorway now he’s gotten so huge, and to not sleep on top of it…yeesh.

Anyway, he comes in this morning, he’s kicking and screaming, begging to get off the stuff. That red curtain over there, the one with all the rips in it – he did that. If he wasn’t 6’3 with hair plugs, you could’ve sworn he was a toddler.

I had to call in the enforcers to hold him down. He got his dose, whether he liked it or not. Like I said – eternal life is a binding contract. And these rich guys sign no matter what – they don’t care about the sing-songy side effects or the fact that their signature is eternal.

And listen, I don’t mean that as a metaphor. The pharma guys really make the takers sign away eternity – no taking aripiprazole unless you agree to take it forever. And let me tell you, they don’t care one cent that it turns into perpetual torture for the takers either – these pharma guys are making a fortune off it. But hey, I guess the rich will even eat their own.

Back to the task at hand – I mentioned I called in enforcers. Again – you must administer the dose. You’re legally bound to give it and they’re legally bound to take it. But, if you feel like that’s not possible in the taker’s current state or that you’re in danger, we do have enforcers to call in: big, tough guys with all the right tools. So don’t worry – you won’t get hurt. I mean, it’s been months since one of the takers seriously hurt or killed anyone.

In the office, at least.

Some of the taker’s impulses can get pretty nasty out there. The kleptos now take everything. The pyros light everything. And say their particular impulse involves the ‘between the sheets’ kind - they just take whoever they want, no matter what their target’s answer is.

(Well, let’s be honest, even before this the word ‘no’ has never meant much to the well-to-do of the world.)

But now it’s next level. And you know how it goes with the these guys – the courts couldn’t find the will to dole out punishment even if it bit them right in the ass. I’m sure you’ve seen the constant news stories about the butchered women they’re finding and…ah, I can’t get into the gory stuff like that.

I have mouths to feed right? I need my own medicine, right? People like you and me have to have this job. The side effects aren’t our fault. They should’ve seen the writing on the wall: you find the key to eternal life with parasites, you’re bound to create worse ones.

Ok, what have I not covered yet? Oh yeah, qualifications.

Don’t worry if you don’t have a degree. Hell, I’m technically a chemical engineer, but I probably don’t need to tell you that no one can get a job based on their degree anymore, right? I mean, I thought the AI revolution would have AI stuff doing the bullshit jobs like this one, not replacing the artists and musicians and engineers of the world. We keep the radio on all day here (supposedly it has a calming effect), but I can’t remember the last time I heard a real, human-made and human-sang song.

But enough of my whining. And I didn’t totally mean it about this job – it isn’t all bullshit. It pays the bills, and sometimes there’s a little dash of revenge on the ones who take everything from this world, if you know what I mean.

Anyway, that just about covers it. So, what do you say? We’d love to offer you the position. Will you accept?

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Author's note: A study by Jiang, et al on roundworms really does exist with the quoted finding at the beginning of this story. This story is fiction though - it is not intended to say that the study's researchers had an aim of the outcome given in this story.