My Invisible Disability

This is a true story. My story.

It begins at primary school, Primary 2 to be exact, when this started to become more apparent. As a child who was bullied by other pupils I created an anxiety towards other children. Along with anxiety, I became depressed and as many of you know, or don't, you have a million and 1 things flying around your head at any one time. Naturally I went to the teachers, showing them a written note of all the things they had done that day (due to anxiety, memory wasn't my best skill) and at first they pandered to me, but as time went on and so did the bullying, they started to care less getting more annoyed each time. Due to the anxiety and stress of the bullying I became physically ill. I had so much time off school due to this that my parents where being hounded by social services. I was branded a "trouble child who wouldn't get anywhere in life." I overheard this from my school teacher. I was bullied not only by the students but also the teachers. My primary school years where hell.

Fast forward to when I was 19. I survived primary and high school and now I'm expected to survive working life. I was working a full time job at a local pawn shop. Still struggling with anxiety, stress, and depression through every day life. Believe it or not, this is not what my story is about.

One evening before leaving work, I had a head injury in the store room. I was later that evening discharged from hospital with concussion.

I seemingly recovered and moved on to a new job at a local eye care store. I unfortunately got fired from this position due to an unexpected spiral in health. Seizures.

I couldn't walk, talk, move properly, I was totally dependent on my parents. And when I mean totally dependent, I mean bathing me, helping me to the toilet, waiting for them to come and get me out of bed in the morning. I was having around 12 seizures a day.

After thorough tests I was finally diagnosed with dissociative seizures, a mental health disability. They also diagnosed me with Sommatisation which, when the head injury occurred, it was exacerbated into a seizure.

The professional doctor explained to me that I wasn't a "trouble child" as I was made to believe. I had a mental disability that made me physically sick, which no one knew about not even my parents.

I want to explain what dissociative seizures are, but I also want to tell you the hard ship I endured from NHS professionals during my hardest time in my life.

Dissociative seizures are non epileptic seizures. For me, I am fully aware of my surroundings during an attack. I can laugh, murmur even. I live with a heightened level of anxiety that never goes down. Any added stress for example, tiredness, hunger, heat, or even being too cold, can send me into an attack. My brain doesn't tell me when I'm stressed or anxious. It tells me in physical pain or involuntary movements. So no, I don't have a visible disability. But I do have an invisible one.

During the time I was having around 12 seizures a day, I was constantly in and out of the hospital. They pumped me with drugs which yeah, they calmed me down, but also extended my recovery by a week or two. They would come in and stare at me as I lay there fitting. They would leave and finally I would start to calm down. All the embarrassment and anxiousness of them staring at me only added to my attack. When they came back again, so would my seizure. This is all physiological. I could not stop this if I tried. They then tried to prove to my parents that "I was faking it." That "I was attention seeking." These where their exact words.

Unfortunately they just didn't understand. And quite honestly at that time neither did we. But now 3 years on, I have gone 2 years without a seizure. I now have a job, an amazing job. I have brought my own home and most importantly, I am a proud single mummy to the most beautiful little girl. And I am managing my stress very well these days. My life isn't stress free, believe me, I do get a few involuntary movements now and again. But I'm managing. That's the main thing.

Please do not judge those with anxieties and depression. It is a lot more physical than you may think.

Not a lot of people are aware of this disability or illness, what ever you want to call it. So this is why I am writing my story. So I can help others understand.

I did get somewhere in life, and you can too.