Mindfulness

If there is one thing that I’ve learned through the years, it’s that the mind can be a powerful tool to help guide us and make sense of the world around us. It can help us create works of art, it can help us with various skills and talents, and it can even help us overcome challenges. However, despite the amount of good the mind can do, it can also do a lot of harm. While the mind has indirectly attributed to suffering in the world through creations and actions that have caused physical harm, it can also directly cause suffering to the individual it belongs to. This is usually brought about through ruminating on things that may cause fear, anger, or sadness.

By fixating on past events or possible futures that cause “negative” emotions to surface, one can become stuck in a “negative” thought pattern until they have learned to release them. And during this time the body undergoes physical responses without external pain. This is due to the activation of the “fight or flight” response which elevates the heart rate and blood pressure among other things. This can leave us bombarded with emotions and physical sensations, sensations all originating from one place- the mind. How do we escape a prison that we inadvertently put ourselves in?

My experiences and how many of them I’ve retained have enabled me to cause suffering within myself over and over again. Due to my ability to remember almost everything, you can only imagine how many occurrences I've had the fortune of dwelling over. I can remember experiences dating as far back as the age of four (and I'm currently 31). I don’t just remember monumental experiences like an 18th birthday or loss of a family pet, but also things like a glance from a passing stranger or a conversation being held by others. These memories can last for months or years, and that even includes the insignificant ones. And I’ve spent most of my life ruminating on a majority of them. This caused me to sentence myself to a well-thought-out prison many times over.

At some point, I had even begun to lose the person I once was to fear. Ruminating over past events deemed as “negative” caused me to plan out every instance of my life in order to avoid any unforeseen circumstances. Simple things like waking up and preparing coffee all ran on a schedule and I did everything in my power to make sure that schedule ran smoothly. I spent a lot of hours looking at a watch until everything I did went like clockwork.

Over time, this routine of creating routine altered the way in which I lived life and it buried my true self beneath a husk of clock-watching and planning. The days of living life and enjoying every breath were long lost, and so was I. Things like adventure, spontaneity, and having fun were all planned ahead of time. If anything was short-notice then it wasn’t happening, no matter how fun it could have been. But life isn’t lived on a schedule and some of the most breathtaking experiences can happen unexpectedly. Things like a last-minute road trip, a spa day with friends, or a movie date with yourself don’t always fit perfectly in your schedule. But that doesn’t mean you have to forgo them if they don’t.

The things I actually enjoyed doing were eventually left behind since I felt I had little time for them. It was as if I were preparing myself for some future tragic event. But that’s the thing, no matter how hard you try to prepare for what’s ahead, life will always throw you a curve ball. However, no matter how many twists and turns life has in store, the journey can still be beautiful.

After a myriad of life lessons, I eventually sought out a means to end my self-imposed suffering. But not in the way you might think. I had actually taken an interest in helping myself through meditation. I read about meditation multiple times through the years but never looked into it any further. A lot of misconceptions caused me to regard it as a technique used by gurus to achieve some mystical state of being. But after a few YouTube ads piqued my interest, I would discover that couldn’t be any further from the truth. Before actually diving into this new world, I decided to read more about it first. I plunged through any and every article I could find online relating to the benefits of meditation.

I learned that meditation was extremely old (approx. 3,500 BCE) and can help achieve a state in which external events do not cause internal strife. Through meditation, one can learn to cultivate mindfulness, which is bringing the attention to the present moment without judgement. This abandonment of judgment through mindfulness helps us to view the world objectively while remaining present in each experience. There’s no “good” nor “bad”, everything just... is.

Eventually, the knowledge I amassed was no longer satisfactory and I wanted to see firsthand what meditation could do. I began by downloaded a few meditation apps that had free trials available, but I only ended up using one. The sessions that were available for free dealt with anxiety, stress, and self-esteem. There was also a free introductory course for 7 days, so I decided to start there. Slowly but surely, I noticed an impact meditation was beginning to have on me. It wasn’t anything phenomenal, but it was a start.

I began to actually notice when I allowed myself to become lost in thoughts of the future or past. Rather than blindly diving in only to emerge hours later oblivious as to what had taken place, I was beginning to see. But this was only a few days' worth of training and I was barley scratching the surface. Also, my free trial was about to end and I had to make a decision on whether or not I wanted to pay for an entire year for something that may or may not work. I decided to continue practicing after the free trial, and I’m glad I did.

It’s been a long journey (approximately one year now), but once I continued practicing mindfulness, I witnessed firsthand the impacts it has had on my life and my outlook of life. Less importance has been placed upon the creation of schedules and the need to prepare for unexpected outcomes. My judgements of external circumstances have dwindled to the point to where I can remain present in each moment and just experience it as it is.

Mindfulness has also encouraged me to release my judgements of others and the actions of others. To be honest, not everyone and everything will cater to personal preferences so it is best to live and let live. Otherwise, you may find yourself greatly disappointed while creating unnecessary suffering. Slowly but surely, I’ve experienced this lesson time and time again. Fortunately, mindfulness has helped me to open my awareness to it and learn from it.

My journey with meditation and mindfulness has also helped me reclaim parts of myself which have long been buried. My love for art, music, and creating have resurfaced and become more of a priority rather than taking the backseat in my life. I’ve even grown bold enough to take photographs of beautiful landscapes during jogs in my city. All without wondering about the piercing glances I receive from passersby. Surprisingly to myself, I can even now make last minute plans with a friend without going into a small panic attack. Aside from learning how judgements have imprisoned me, I’ve also seen how they can imprison us as a whole.

Judgements aren’t just a means to deem something as “right” or “wrong”, they can also be used to label or understand an action, situation, person, or thing. For instance, a person seen wearing a suit may be labeled (or judged) as someone in a prestigious profession, but they could just be out for an interview. They could even be on their way to a high school reunion. However, without actually knowing this a simple judgement is made, often making something out to be what it is not.

Social behaviors are often altered through judgement as well. As societal norms are ingrained within our subconscious, we often learn to behave accordingly. Anything outside of the norm may be judged as weird, off-putting, or even wrong. We may even judge our own actions as such and conform to the standards set by society, no matter how much of ourselves or life's experiences we lose in the process. As an example, solo-movie going is often labeled as “weird” but can be an enjoyable experience. And many can miss out on seeing a good movie because they had no one to go with and going alone was labeled as “weird”.

But it’s not just about the movies, judgements can easily interfere with other aspects of life. For instance, a pleasant conversation with someone may lead an individual to label their interactions as a friendship. Or certain actions may be labeled as “more than friendly”. These “labels” or judgements can easily alter the behavior those creating them, and can often do more harm than good.

While it makes sense to try and understand the world around us, judgement can ultimately strip us of our freedom. We can lose our sense of self and purpose beneath a collection of “rights”, “wrongs”, this and that’s. By labeling everything we see, experience, hear, do, or say, we restrict ourselves and others from living freely (within the law) without the expectation of backlash from others. And eventually, the person we may become may not even be who we truly are at heart.

Fortunately for me, mindfulness has helped me to open my awareness and reclaim parts of myself that were once lost. While mindfulness has helped me thus far, I know there’s still a long road ahead. To paraphrase a song by Incubus, whatever tomorrow brings, I'll be there with open arms and open eyes.