Make It Stop

Ever wake up in the morning and your body just says, nope, not today!

Well, that is my daily struggle. The stiffness, the extreme cramping in my abdomen, the pain in my breasts, and the radiating pressure in my lower back from my discs bulging to the left.

Oh! Shoot! Did I mention the fibromyalgia and feeling nauseous because of the constant gastrointestinal issues that come along with fibro. Ugh! I’m sure there is more I’m missing but you know, brain fog, can’t remember.

So I get out of bed and the feeling of "why me?" just starts to flow through my veins. I sometimes just burst into tears because here lately I just feel so out of control of my own emotions. Damnit I’m depressed, I guess that happens too.

So how do I keep on going everyday? I have three kids and a boyfriend (who half the time is helpful, the other half is pretty useless and doesn’t understand). I have such a hard time taking care of my kids, getting them ready for school, making them meals, showering them, etc.

I remember when I could take them to the park, or run around the house shooting nerf guns. Now... my health has just spiraled out of control and I'm constantly in pain.

Yesterday I went to the ER for abdominal pain because my OBGYN was going to make me wait another two weeks for an ultrasound and I was just in too much pain to wait. Yup! I’m stubborn and refuse to wait around when I’m curled in the fetal position crying on the floor when I’m trying to get my kids out the door to school.

My favorite part of going to the ER or a new doctor is when they ask what medications I take, and then we sit there for 10 minutes as I give them my long list of pills, pills, pills...

And then they ask well what’s this for!? My fibromyalgia. And this one? My migraines. Ok what about this one? Oh that’s for my Supraventricular tachycardia! Oh!! Ummm okay, well what about this one? That’s for my degenerative disc disease! Hmm, alright, and why do you take amoxicillin on a regular basis? Ah! Because I have interstitial cystitis and I get chronic UTIs/bladder infections so the amoxicillin is a preventative for that.

I could go on and on about that but we would be here all day. Again the question, how do you go on? Especially right now when most doctors are hesitant to even give anything for the pain due to the fact that there are so many narcotic abusers out there.

I have never used narcotics for my pain, because I had never been bad enough to need it. But now... it’s bad. It’s the worst it’s ever been. I don’t want to move, don’t want to be touched—it makes me nauseous to eat and even sometimes drink.

I work at a prison so medical marijuana is out, damn! I need a new profession, HA! I’m on FMLA right now because the pain is so bad, but I’m supposed to return to work in a week and the pain is only getting worse.

How do I keep going! I just want to stay in bed and never have to move again. I know I’m not the only one that feels this way. My babies are the only thing that keep me going because I love them with all my heart and I know they need me.

I just wish I could give them what they needed from me right now.

It’s time to get out of bed and swallow my breakfast. My daily morning concoction.

Breakfast 🙄

Maybe today will be better. I can only hope, right!?