Life

Take a walk through my life with me real quick.

I had two parents who drank from before noon until they went to bed, they never woke up with a hang over, they never actually had time to sober up.

They fought almost every night.

They kicked each other out.

We moved from house to house, city to city, at least we did until I was 10.

When I was 11 we didn't know how our lives were about to be turned upside down.

My aunt died in July unexpectedly, that hurt.

In November who knew my life could get worse? My mom, sister and 3 cousins were killed in a single car accident.

It can't get worse right?

Oh yes it can!

My father went to Jail for only God knows how long..

Okay, that's all right? It wouldn't get worse?! Right?

If you want to say all that I was used to was taken away.

I no longer wanted to live a life as a kid, I really didn't know I could.

Still can't get worse, I don't have parents, my sister, my best friend is gone.

But it did. I went into the darkest deepest depression, it turned to anger, I hurt the people I loved physically and mentally, I didn't mean to but I did. And I know I cannot take that back.

When I was 13 my best friends mom committed suicide right before our birthday. She was my moms best friend, and honestly like another mom to me, and it hurt to hear she was gone.

I didn't think I would lose another person for a while. I thought I had years left with some people but I should have known that life was short and I needed to spend time with the family I had left. when I was 14 my grandpa died.

I couldn't lose anyone else at 14 right? No, 4 months later my aunt died.

That's all right? Yeah that's all from my family, but not from the people I cared about. Since these people have died, I have lost the people I grew up around.

I didn't know it would hurt so bad but it did.

I didn't want to make it past the 6th grade. I hated school more than ever, and I didn't have my mom to help me through it, and I didn't have my sisters math homework to do for her.

I was ready to quit. I got through the 6th grade strong, and good grades.

I didn't care when I got to the 7th grade, I didn't care if I passed, I was dropping out in the 8th grade anyways, at least that's what I thought. I made it through, with decent passing grades.

I made it to 8th grade. I really didn't care and I had the worst attitude, it was my way or no way.

But I made it, with passing and decent grade. I did it for my mom.

In the 8th grade, I got into it a lot with my English teacher, we hated each other and we made sure that was clear. One day, he sent me to the principals office like he did multiple times before, it was my 6th referral that year, I didn't know what to expect as I walked in the office sat down, and waited. There was a moment of me getting yelled at, but then there was several minutes of an understanding principal that wanted me to finish 8th grade strong, and instead of spending 2nd hour in class I would sit it out in the office.

Awesome!

I knew that it wasn't over yet because I wasn't excused for my 3rd hour.

My teachers assistant walked through the door with a stack of papers, it was my search history on my laptop, I didn't care.

She told the principal she thought I was depressed and that I might harm myself. Okay, fine, she wasn't wrong, and I had done so without the people I live with knowing, and I often thought about ending my own life, because living with out my mom and sister felt impossible.

The school called a counselor to screen me to see if my teachers were right..

They were... My 8th grade year was the first of several counselors I would see in just a year..

I was evaluated twice in a year.

At the first evaluation I was diagnosed with major bipolar depression, and anxiety. I was at risk for myself and others. They wanted to send me to a mental hospital, yup. I was gonna go, and nothing anyone said could stop this lady from sending me, besides what I said.

She made me promise that I would not be screened again for 2 years, and I would not harm myself or others, and I would see a counselor once a week until I was in a better mind set.

I agreed.

At the second evaluation, from the counselor I had been seeing for a couple months now, I had grew to like her a lot. I was diagnosed with PTSD and Major panic disorder. PTSD from my parents fighting and throwing things almost every night.

At the beginning of Freshman year my counselor left, and a new one was assigned, I didn't like her so I stopped counseling.

I got through most of my Freshman year, fighting the battles on my own.

We had court for visitations with my dad.. The judge said the only way there was a chance to see my dad was to go to counseling to see if we were mentally ready to see him.

I went for a few months. About 6 months really. I didn't say much because it all went back to the court and I felt I couldn't trust her.

Freshman year was literal HELL for me..

I went into my Freshman year telling myself A's and B's that's what I wanted and that's what I was going to get...

Yeah, well it wasn't going to happen like that at all.

I started out strong, passing all of my classes with A's and B's just like I planned...

Then my English and Biology Teacher started assigning so much homework everyday and I couldn't keep up..

I started failing both classes badly, and I tried really hard at the end of the quarter to pass but the first semester I just couldn't pass it, I was close yet so far.

Second semester only got harder.

I didn't know if I would make it, and honestly I knew I wouldn't.

It was time for finals, I need 120% to pass English for the semester, well that's impossible. It's okay, I tried my best. But I failed English Freshman year.

Biology, I need a 75% to pass the semester, that felt impossible, but I knew it wasn't.

I got an 85% on my biology final and I passed the semester.

I had to retake English one my Junior year, and I was going to stay focused and not let anything get in my way (I didn't I had an A in the class all year, well until Covid, and then I didn't have to do anything to keep that A) And I had one semester of Biology to retake. I passed it with a 110% in the class.

Back to freshman year..

It was hard but worth it the struggles the ups and downs. I hated every minute of it but I passed all of my other classes, and none of them were with an A but I didn't care.

Sophomore year, I was pregnant, and I had another human I needed to make proud. I worked hard all semester first semester and I was going to get A's and B's no matter what.

I did it!

Second Semester got really hard. I was on Homebound the entire semester (by choice).

I was failing every class because I had Brentley, it was so hard to be a mom with a newborn baby, and to only get a week off of school work was the worst thing in the world. I couldn't balance being a mom and finishing school, could I?

Yes I could, I just needed to rearrange things.

While Brentley slept I did school work.

I got all of my grades up to passing, taught myself Geometry and I passed with an A all year long.

English... I got into it a lot with the Sub.. I didn't want to do the speech he wanted me to do and I felt he couldn't make me (Yeah by law he couldn't just saying but I was forced to). I did the speech, I passed the class, I moved on with my life.

Spanish... I was so close to passing and if I would have turned one more assignment in I would have passed, but my homebound teacher was done, she didn't want to meet, and she told me to give it up, so I did. I gave up passing a class I could have passed. That's okay it was only one semester.

Junior year, that was an experience in itself. I was going to pass all of my classes. And I did, but it was harder than I thought, I spent the first week of school switching classes because I didn't like them. I was retaking two classes full of ignorant Freshman because I didn't give it my all my Freshman year.

I got through all of my classes with at least a C and that's all that mattered to me.

Senior year has been a living hell for me.

I decided to do it all remote because I thought it would make it way easier for me, but it hasn't been, it's only been harder.

Honestly there were many times I was about to kiss my graduation goodbye, and drop out. I couldn't do it. I had a teacher I couldn't stand and she was the worst teacher I've ever had, worse than my 8th grade English teacher, thanks to my assistant principal, who was once my 8th grade math teacher, I didn't drop out and I didn't give up, I only had a few months left. He also reminded me of the smart girl I used to be, and the mom I am now, the harder worker, the one who was always so positive after all I been through, and the one who stood up for what I wanted, the one who knew where I wanted to be in life, and the one who was always so sweet, caring and had a heart of gold. He said that I didn't fight all these battles to give up right before it was all over. He's right. I fought so fucking hard to get here! I fought myself when I wanted to give up! When I was going to let school take me down, I stood taller and told myself I didn't come all this way to give up!

There have been so many times in these last 6 years I was ready to call it quits, throw in the books, and say I was done, but I had teachers who stood behind me and reminded me that I can do it because I am smart enough.

This last semester of High School I surely didn't want to do it. I actually quit several times, but I didn't quit forever.

I had one amazing teacher that reminded me "5 minutes a day will get you to the top of the mountain, it will start to shrink and it won't feel like it's so much!" He was right! 5 minutes a day, and I did it. I have a week of high school left, and I am sad to say goodbye to all my teachers, because no matter how many times we butted heads they still pushed me to be a better me. I will forever be thankful for them.

I am so proud of myself, and I know my mom and sister are so proud of me for making it so far, and not giving up every time I wanted to.