In 2022 I Want to <strike>Make Movies</strike> Live a Little

In 2020 I've mapped out a plan to be financially independent, by having a full time employment in the film industry. Before, or soon after turning eighteen.

I don't have to explain how this went wrong, right?

Year after that I've changed it to 'be financially independent, have a full time employment in film industry, and quit bartending. Before or during second year of college'

I didn't even notice that I've accomplished a smaller, but nonetheless, chunk of it.

Mid way through 2021, I was beating myself up over the fact that I'm definitely not gonna cross this one off the list before the ball drops.

I've been studying filmmaking for one and a half years, quickly approaching my twenties, and got nothing to show for it.

Well, this didn't go as I thought it would.

I was constantly reading about successful teens, thinking that I'm so behind in life, I'd need to invent light-speed travel to catch up.

But I was trying to, anyway.

Taking on more and more opportunities, every project and training. Work related brackets were slowly consuming everything else in my schedule.

I'd take away extra hours away from what should've been my sleep time, saved some more money by canceling plans with friends and later stopped making any all together, because I knew I wouldn't make it anyway. Why'd I waste valuable time on goofing around, or partying. And spend my hard earned savings.

And I thought it was not only a smart decision, but an adult thing to do. To create a better future for myself. To be happy.

Ironic, isn't it?

I dedicated all my efforts to working toward the big goal, doing serious things, throwing around words like 'networking' and 'pitch meetings'.

I started acting different too. The need to always seem mature, even after the meetings were over, started to spill across all dimensions of my life.

All I could think about was work, and ways to blend into the filmmaking community. Trying to conceal the fact that I was just starting out. If the mask came off, they would've never treated me as a reliable professional. Or so I thought. Deep down I was petrified of the idea that one slip up would cause a chain reaction leading to an impending doom. It sounds a little dramatic, but I kid you not when I say that's what it felt like at times. Like I had to be on high alert.

Constantly questioning if THIS or THAT is worth my time, and denying how rest and fun play a big role in the creative process. And not losing your marbles.

A pretty sad way to look at life.

But I was proud of it.

Juggling education, work and making my dreams come true made me feel mature in some way.

Subsequently, I burnt out out a little.

I lost my motivation and was left with shell of a person I thought I had to be to archive my dreams - a responsible grownup who denies themselves almost everything in the name of a crazy aspiration to be 'successful' (whatever that means) before turning 21.

All of this triggered a little thought rampage.

When I first started taking my career seriously, I thought that sacrificing a little in the presen moment would pay off big time in the future.

I still think it's quite reasonable. Until the keyword 'a little' gets lost somewhere along the way, and you find yourself half way down the pit called 'life'.

Continuously falling down, seeing the time pass faster and faster.

At that time, I was on the edge, staring down that hole.

These two years could've easily turned into ten.

Don't get me wrong, I still want to chase my dream. But I don't want to sacrifice every moment of my youth to get there.

'The Dream' can wait an hour or two. It's not gonna slip through my fingers just because I take a little break to see my friends. Or play some games. Or take a nap.

That's why, my 2022 New Years resolution is to act my age from time to time. Have fun for the sake of it. Not take myself so seriously. (I rephrased it a little, originally it sounded a little more like: 'finally buy a playstation - no, it's not a waste of money if it helps you relax')

We're often our own worst critics, and forget that people rarely care enough to call us lazy or stupid. Even if you take a day off to snap pictures of chubby birds, and someone finds it pointless, you're still winning. You've got a camera roll full of pure cuteness, and did your 45 minutes of recommended exercises.

There is, or shouldn't be, no shame in being spontaneous. Letting yourself be little childish. I'm gonna turn twenty soon, and as much as it does sound like a big and scary number sometimes...

I'm still a kid. Or at least I feel like one, deep down. (below the pantsuit and busy schedule layer) And perhaps I should honor it more.

To be honest, I feel like there is no expiration date to youth. (at least in the mental aspect)

In fact, maybe that's what we should aim for.

Maybe we don't have to rationalize every choice we make with logic, supported by a powerpoint and three types of graphs based on calculations and market research.

Maybe it's okay to choose chill time over grind every once in a while.

Maybe we don't have to give up all the little pleasures in life, while setting a foundation for the better future.

The world can wait. The opportunities will still come.

It'd certainly be easier to catch them, when your hands are not full all the time.