Grief

Grief is like feeling trapped in a different realm of life. The feeling like being in two bodies at once. Getting on day by day with a supermodel smile but a feeling like your sinking internally. Like life is going on but you feel at a standstill inside. A feeling of nothingness. Grief is being surrounded by people but feeling a complete emptiness. Grief is wanting to be checked up on but feeling the lump in your throat when asked how are you. The feeling of having no one to talk to. No one to understand what is is your going through. Grief is bottling up your emotions because you don't want to burden others. Grief is the simplest of triggers that punch a whole in your heart all over again, like hearing a name. It's the restlessness and sleepless nights entangled in your thoughts. Grief is the last moments you remember that replay in your head like never ending nightmares. Grief is the feeling of wanting to curl up and not do or care about anything. Grief is feeling okay one moment and being struck with an avalanche of emotions out of nowhere. Grief makes you stalked by anxiety. The heart racing, the tightness in the chest, the difficult swallow and gasp for air followed by worry and fear. Grief is dreading the birthdays and holidays to come with unbearable sadness that deepens as time gets closer. Grief is wishing to turn back time, rewind and pause. Grief is asking yourself why?, what could I have done? (Differently or better). Its all the what ifs or could ofs. It's the memories you wish you had and the relationship you had longed for. Grief is people thinking you've overcome but your giving it absolutely everything you got not to fold. Grief is the intensifying growing ache as the time passes because the reality hits you harder and harder. It's getting out the house to escape your mind. Its the washroom escapes and the breakdowns in the shower. Grief causes you to detach from loved ones with a feeling to want to be alone. Its begging in prayer for your pain to be soothed. Grief is the story you wish you could rewrite. There are many stages to Grief and everyone experiences it differently. Grief makes you realize that there is no shortcut through it and there is no time frame for it to end. It is something that hits you once you experience a loss. It's an uncontrollable journey that you attempt to conquer as each day comes holding onto hope that healing will mend your shattered heart. It's hope for understanding and acceptance. It's hope that the brightest days will arise again and you will reunite with happiness.

Until then.. Grief.