Forgiveness and Trauma

If you have been following my Instagram page, I have been mentioning Forgiveness a lot. Why am I stuck on that theme as of recent? And why, is the word Trauma listed with the word Forgiveness in the title? It has been a rather long week for me and those in my circle and anyone else who has been involved. Without giving you the specific details of the events that occurred, I will just say that an EXTREME Trauma has affected my INNER circle. If you have followed my blog previously, you know that I have survived numerous sexual assaults. I have written about one of them. I have not mentioned the others I have suffered as a child or the two events that occurred after the sexual assault I mentioned transformed me to become the yogi writing this blog.

Regardless of what type of trauma has occurred, it is still trauma. I of course ran to the side of the victim and those affected to assist in relief, support, and any other needs they may need. Throughout the day, I thought I had done all that I needed to do to assist both parties involved. However, later on in the week, I discovered that one party felt more love than the other. One party felt I had failed to focus on their pain and was imbalanced in support. Rage and Anger were present at the meeting as well. Words were exchanged. Certain actions were taken and then my psyche was analyzed due to my traumatic past. My actions were questioned if they were truly authentic due to my emotional reactions in the past. My actions were appreciated by one but not the other. It was the other’s pain that dominated the discussion. Although I was present during the conversation, I made sure to keep my mouth shut. I wanted to allow the party to release all the anger and the rage out without feeling attacked or anything like that. There were several things I didn’t agree with and some trigger words were said.

I must admit. Such words hurt deeply into my core. It brought back all the feelings and accusations I heard throughout my life from different individuals I trusted in my past. I have been blamed for putting myself in situations that caused my assaults. I have been blamed for certain misunderstandings that I wasn’t even party of. I have been blamed for poor communication when I wasn’t even in the room or part of the conversation. My psyche has been on trial numerous times. Some were rightfully so.

However, being an Empath and an individual diagnosed with PTSD, emotions can be a HUGE problem for me. WHY? Not only do I feel other’s emotions and energy as my own but also relive certain things that match those feelings. During this particular conversation, I began to have the overwhelming feeling of Betrayal and abandonment. Rage started growing. The words dug deeper and deeper and I started to see black which usually means I am going to attack the very next person in front of me in fear of being attacked. A part of me knew I had to leave and find an escape to cool off while another part of me wanted to become a dragon and burn the hell out of everyone in my way. I waited until the conversation ended to BLOW UP!!!!!

Again, I must admit during the times of my sexual assaults I did not think clearly. I was angry. I was in a rage at the lack of control I had in the situation. I was depressed in pure victim mode wondering, why the hell it happened to me? I was in deep search of understanding and emotional support. I was often met with anticipation and lots of people telling me that my focus should primarily be on my children. My role as a parent was much more important than my role as a victim. My role as a wife was more important than my role as a victim. I was to focus on those roles so that I may “get over” the things that had happened to me. I was told when I went into a depression that I was a horrible mother for not thinking of the kids. When I got angry, I was told that I was taken it out on the wrong people. Whenever I sought solace from the Church, I needed to forgive which meant to forget. If I didn’t forget, then I wasn’t a good Christian woman because I didn’t forgive. If I felt anything, besides joy it was WRONG!!!! I felt so utterly useless and worthless I thought it was a great idea to kill myself to stop feeling. Once dead, my kids will not suffer from their mother’s suffering. I thought my kids were better off without me. I was so anxious I would punish myself by not eating. I was so angry that I wanted to kill my assailant. I didn’t want to get caught and live in jail for my kids. I wanted my husband (at the time) to be my knight in shining armor, not the asshole telling me I can't press charges on his dad because my promiscuous past as a teenager will be thrown in my face or for me to just get over it and stop being so depressed or angry. Be happy for the kids and enjoy sex as a wife should. That was a little over 11 years ago. (I have since divorced that man).

Fast forward to the conversation, I could have easily dug myself into darkness. I could have driven to the house of the person who said those GOD awful things that triggered me in the first place and smacks the shit out of them. I could have driven to the house of the perpetrator who started the whole traumatic situation and feed him to the hungry hogs on a friend’s farm leaving no trace. I could have driven off a pier and finished my life so I don’t have to feel anymore. I don’t have to offend anyone anymore with my actions. I don’t have to begin or be a part of misunderstandings without any intention. Instead, I went into my Yoga Studio and screamed my head off. I said some good awful things. I ruined the energy in there and instead of feeling relief it was building and getting worse.

I decided to leave my home and go for a drive. MIND YOU, I can't see very well in the dark. I have night blindness yet I needed to drive. I was so ENRAGED!!! I turned off my Find Friends app locator. I ignored my text messages. Directed all my phone calls to voicemails except for one phone call from a long-distance friend who suffered the same crap I have in the past. At first, I wanted to drive to a church parking lot and just sit still. However, there was a carnival going on the church grounds and too many people were there. (Remember, I am an empath). That was the last thing I needed was more energy to get even angrier. I decided to drive to the beach. However, by the time I got there, it was PITCH BLACK. I am LIVID but I am not crazy enough to do something that may risk my safety. I drove for three hours up and down A1A before I returned home. The breeze, the smell of the ocean air comforted me. The rage and anger were slowly being drifted away by the ocean breeze. By the time I was ready to go home, I discovered my husband went out looking for me. It was so touching. I didn’t think he would come out especially knowing that he had to go to work the next day. I felt so bad about worrying him. I just wanted to let go of rage and not hurt anyone while being pissed.

When I came home, my daughter was still up and just held me tight. I felt so much love. The drive had wiped me out. But the love and concern my family showed me once I came home, fueled my soul. The fire that raged within me no longer wished to burn others but burn the darkness away while fueling my passions, my love, and compassion. The pain was still there but the emotions no longer tickled the trauma I had suffered before. The techniques I learned through therapy and yoga truly helped me from diving into the darkness. I even found a meditation that specifically dealt with trauma and transformation by Dr. Arielle Schwartz that I started doing that day. It was enlightening. The kundalini meditation on her website is meant to heal trauma from 7 generations in the past and the 7 generations in the future. Knowing that someone in my inner circle suffered from the trauma, I hoped that if I can heal my trauma with myself, 7 generations in the past and the future, it will transform me. Making me a better individual to assist my friends suffering from this trauma a little better while making sure I block myself from obtaining their feelings and triggering my PTSD. Read more about the meditation at Trauma Legacies and Transgenerational Healing Website.

My little escapade went back to the person who triggered me and I was criticized for not being real during the previous conversation. However, this time instead of getting triggered and enraged again. I spoke clearly about my feelings and how taking the drive was a lot better for everyone for me to calm down rather than speak out of rage and damage relationships. This conversation went a lot better than the first one. It wasn’t the best but it was a start. I believe the mediation helped. On the website, it says it works even better if one does it for at least 11 minutes for 40 days straight.

I have done it so far for three days. I feel so free. I feel forgiveness for allowing the words to trigger me. I forgive myself for worrying about my family. I forgive my friend for the hurtful words. I feel forgiveness for all the hurt and guilt I placed on myself for allowing myself to get enraged. I forgive myself for thinking that being a YOGI means I need to be perfect. I forgive myself for allowing judgment to be placed on myself. It is so freeing to know that with this meditation I can not only heal some deep wounds that I may not have known were holding me back but also heal some wounds connected to me by my ancestors and heal any other trauma that my future generations may feel. It is healing to learn that I may be able to end this ancestral curse of trauma with me possibly.

It is amazing how deep trauma can live in your DNA. It is amazing how trauma can transfer from generation to generation. When one generation suffers and doesn’t heal from such trauma, the next generation inherits it to suffer from it plus any additional trauma attracted to it. I thought about it. Even if you don’t believe it per se, it is amazing. As for me, someone in my family suffered from a sexual assault and didn’t deal with it. Then here I am suffering not only from the residue of their trauma but now my own. If energy transfers as well as trauma why would I want to end this trauma with me to protect my future generations from suffering? In the Bible, we are told that we are stewards to this planet, the children, and to all future generations. Even the Native Americans believe in Stewardship, we are stewards of the Earth. We are to take care of the Earth for the next generation. If that is true, why wouldn’t I do this meditation in hopes to not only heal my ancestral trauma but also my future?

If you are suffering from trauma and need assistance in forgiveness, try this meditation. Remember forgiveness is not for them, it is for you. Forgiveness doesn’t mean you accept their actions. It just releases you.