Car Thoughts

The one place I feel most relaxed and comfortable is my car. Is that odd? My car is my "safe place" from the world. I don't think I have an illogical attachment to my car, in particular. If I had to get a new one, I would be fine with it, but in that car, I would still find solace. When I am in my car, I can avoid the things that are out of my control. I can sit there, in a relatively small space, and be in control of the moment. The world sometimes seems so large and so many things in the world are out of control or unpleasant, but in my car, I can be free from all of that and just live in the moment. I am limited to the surrounding environment, and I feel safe.

In my car I don't have to deal with the constant deadlines of bills. I don't have bills in my car. The electricity for my house doesn't matter in my car. I'm not using it there. The pending court case that could very well leave me homeless, a probate situation where the lack of my father having a will means that the home I live in will be sold and the profits split between me and my siblings. That doesn't matter as much in my car where I can be free of worry that anything will happen to it, because it is mine.

Speaking of my home, its always a wreck. Not just messy, in that classy way they show on TV shows. A true disaster. I live with 5 people who refuse to clean up after themselves. Its a very uncomfortable mess and I often don't have the energy to do anything about it. I work all day, I come home and I see the trainwreck that is my home and I feel defeated, but in the moments after I get home and I am sitting in my car, I am calm. I am free of the stress. I don't have to deal with the world beyond my steering wheel.

I struggle with depression. That is an odd saying, struggle with it. I don't struggle, most of the time I just let it take me. I feel sometimes like I absolutely can 't handle the pressure of the world anymore. After all, I never asked to be born. but yet here I am, forced into existence by my parents, who then died and left me to fight my way through the murky sludge that is life. What an awful task to set upon someone. However, when I am in my car, all of that seems a little less. Not quite as heavy. Not quite as real. My car is my shell and I am protected within it.

Life isn't all bad. There are good things about life. as well. Sunshine and rain storms, watching a grandchild learn something new and clever, waterfalls and leafy green trees. I know all of those things exist and make the endless trudging through life a little easier to bear. And those are the things that make it ok to come out of my car at the end of the day. To stay in my car would mean I miss the pleasant things peppered into life among the bad. So while my car is my temporary solace, it is just a buffer between me and the world outside.

Everyone needs a "car" to find a bit of peace from the world. Some people meditate. Some people find a place to go. Some people find this outlet in another human being (that can lead to serious co-dependency issues, but that's a topic for another day). Some people find this bubble of detachment in drugs or alcohol. Everyone is looking for a way to handle the pressure and the weight of simply existing. It's quite a task, if you really think about it, and my car is my escape. Everyone needs an escape.